Kyle Minor - Praying Drunk

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“That right there is called Witch’s Titty.”

“Why?”

“Because look at it. It looks like a Witch’s Titty.”

“Yeah. I guess it does.”

“You know what I think whenever I pass this place?”

“Tell me.”

“There was this dance in high school, and there was this boy, let’s call him Bob, he asked me to this dance. He was a senior and I was a freshman. I got all dressed up and he got me a corsage. When you go with a senior and you’re a freshman, it’s exciting, you know, because he picked you. You’re the one he picked, and he passed over older girls to pick you. And before I left, my dad told him he could keep me out until midnight but no later. And he kissed me on the cheek, my dad, and he said I love you and we trust you, me and your mother. So we went to this dance, and it was all right. There was music, there was food, there was dancing. And afterward, I wanted this guy, Bob, to kiss me. It was something I really wanted. I had built it up big time in my mind. He drove me out to this park I’m going to take you to later, out by the ski lifts. It was the place where all the kids went to sit in their cars and make out. We had to drive past Witch’s Titty to get there. And I knew that was why we were going to this park, and it was okay with me. But when we got there, this guy, Bob, he started acting really nervous. He was staring straight ahead and he started sweating at his forehead. I felt sorry for him because I could tell he was very nervous. Then he said, like he was apologizing, ‘This is just something I really have to do.’ And he leaned toward me and I thought he was going to kiss me. But then he put his hands up my dress. I wanted to say no to him but I was so surprised I guess my voice caught in my throat. And then I put my hand down there to push his hand away and he grabbed my wrist and held it so hard it bruised a ring around my wrist where he was holding it. Then he put his hand in my panties and he stuck his finger up inside me and poked around. It didn’t hurt. It didn’t feel good, either, but it didn’t hurt. Then he just held his finger in there like that for a while and moved it around. Then he drove me home.”

“What did you do?”

“I didn’t do anything. I went inside and went to bed and stared at the ceiling for a long time. It wasn’t until a lot later that I cried.”

“So nothing happened to him?”

“He’s still around. We became friends again later. I forgave him.”

“I don’t forgive him.”

“You don’t have to. But that’s something you’ll have to work on. Unforgiveness. Like the things you sometimes say about your mother.”

“I just feel protective of you. I don’t like it that for him there were no consequences.”

“You carry the consequences around inside yourself, don’t you?”

“Me or him?”

“Something about you reminds me of him sometimes.”

“That makes me feel terrible that you would say that.”

“I just think there’s things you should know about me if we are really going to think about being together.”

“Is that what we’re doing?”

“It’s just something I thought of because we were driving by Witch’s Titty. That’s all.”

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“When a long time passes like this and you’re so quiet, I wonder what you’re thinking.”

“Do you think you have the right to know what I’m thinking?”

“I had a girlfriend in college one time who used to say things like that. She used to say, ‘You know what I like about my thoughts? They’re mine. I don’t have to share them with you.’”

“Did she say that after you were prying at her to give up her thoughts?”

“Usually, yes.”

“All right. What do you want to know?”

“So many things.”

“You choose one thing. Any one thing. I’ll tell you.”

“One thing. Okay, the visions. You told me one time you would tell me more about the visions.”

“You see this here?”

“What? The road? The mountains? The sky?”

“The motion, through space. Through time, too. Once I was driving this road, and I had a vision of motion through space and through time.”

“While you were driving?”

“I saw all of creation as though it were a liquid, and we were swimming through it. Me, and all the creatures, land creatures and water creatures, too. The water was a deep blue, sparkling, but also translucent. You could see through it. And the rock faces were shimmering like precious jewels.”

“Was this a distraction while you were driving?”

“It was almost as if I were no longer driving anymore. I had given up control and although in the physical world my hands were on the wheel, and even though in the vision I was moving through a space not unlike the one we are moving through right now, and even though I had given up control, and even though there was that drop-off there just out your window, a couple thousand feet, maybe, I wasn’t afraid. What I was mostly was in awe.”

“Was it like you imagined seeing these things, or was it like you actually were moving through these things.”

“It was physically real. I could even smell the perfume of it.”

“What did it smell like?”

“There was a sweetness to it. There was a honey and almond quality to it.”

“Was the car moving through it, too?”

“The car went away. It was just my body being carried forward on the current of it.”

“Sometimes when you talk about these things, I want to believe you, and I want to understand, because I do believe you, but it is very hard to believe you, and it is very hard to try to know how to understand.”

“Because you aren’t yet seeing with the eyes of the Spirit.”

“Because I haven’t had experiences like this, and I’ve never known anyone else who has. There is a certain light that gets in your eyes when you talk about them, and it is a little bit frightening to me.”

“That’s something you have to let go of.”

“Maybe so, but I don’t know how.”

“You do it by doing it.”

“That’s easy to say, but if it were easy to do, wouldn’t many other people do it? If nothing else, to speak the tongues of angels and harvest the gold dust and sell it at market rate?”

“When you speak of it that way, it makes me angry.”

“I don’t mean to make you angry, and I am not making fun. I like you and possibly want to love you. I’m just trying to look at what you’re saying from all different directions and turn it over in my mind that way.”

“That’s not letting go. That’s holding onto control.”

“I don’t know what to say.”

“Maybe it would be better not to say anything else for a while.”

“Okay. All right. Okay.”

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“Rise and shine.”

“I’m so tired.”

“It’s morning.”

“It’s dark.”

“The idea is to hit the slopes early.”

“Really, I’m wiped. I’m sorry.”

“I’m turning on the light.”

“Please don’t. Really. I don’t know if it’s the altitude or the nonstop going or just maybe general emotional exhaustion. I’m not trying to bail out on you. I’m still willing to ski. But my body doesn’t want to get up so early right now, and I feel like I should listen to it so I don’t get sick.”

“It smells like sickness in here. Your breath has a sinus quality to it.”

“That’s what I’m talking about.”

“The only way out is through. Please, get up. Let’s ski.”

“You know people there. Why don’t you go on without me, and let me catch up with you this afternoon.”

“Really?”

“Please understand.”

“Really? This is really the choice you are making?”

“Please?”

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