H. Adler - The Wall

And, in mentioning this, I have thus informed you why you haven’t heard from me in so long, for certainly you will think, What, you mean throughout the entire war he never thought it necessary to send me a little card to tell me what happened to him, all the while I was worried about him, and now that the whole affair is barely over and everything is back on track, then he steps to the fore and pretends that nothing happened in between?

I can’t deny any of that. When I think back, this is exactly how it seems: damn little has happened, my friend, but you can believe me when I say that during this war the mails functioned miserably. How often I inquired with the appropriate authority whether it was possible to write to you, but my request was only scoffed at, while I had to keep quiet so that they would think me harmless and not suspect me of being a spy. That’s why I couldn’t follow through on my intentions, and therefore it resulted in an awkward disruption in our correspondence.

As you well recall, you quickly took off right before the war began and hardly had time to properly say goodbye to me. But I was not upset about that, I really wasn’t, but rather concerned, for I was worried that, in between, too many things could happen that could take you away from me. Those are reactions that you have to forgive! They would have been quickly dispensed with if it had been at all possible for you to visit here even once or invited me to visit you. Everything would then have been cleared up, and I am convinced that we could have continued our conversations just where they left off before the war.

I am deeply interested in how you are. The news that reached me made it seem that things were not at all easy for you all on the outside, and I can imagine that it would be hard to overestimate the difficulties endured by the citizens. Hopefully, you gained a foothold somewhere and lived with others you could trust. It would only set me at ease and please me no end to hear from you that everything went as you hoped it would.

That’s also the central reason I am writing. I can only imagine that you and other old friends feel a horrible hesitancy in trying to tie together the frayed threads of the past. Please believe me that such thoughts, at least on my part, are not necessary, for there is no reason that you have to worry about me. The weather is as lovely as ever — a lovely summer and an even more glorious fall have come to the old city. The streets and parks, in which I spend so many exhilarating hours thinking of you and so many other dear people, are full of joyful hustle and bustle, and whoever can ignore the fact that a familiar face rarely shows itself hardly notices that any kind of unusual years have occurred in this country.

Which is why I have to readily declare that one should not be too sentimental about such things, because otherwise weak nerves could cause one to feel gloomy. People have even been overcome by such feelings. Only with steady calm can one tread upon reality. Then you can bear life in a cheerful state of mind and reassure yourself that you are no exception.

If there is anything I can do for you here, be it privately or through the authorities, please just let me know!

That your dear mother perished, you no doubt have heard from others, as well as your father, Walter, whom I was often with (we became very close; he was a real character). Also, our mutual friend Hans Georg is no longer alive. Do you remember Arno Seiler? He was very political and paid for it with his life. I still see his sister Anna often, whom you also no doubt knew. Yes, it was especially tragic with Hans Georg. He appeared to have survived up until a few days before the end, when, during a march, he was shot by the troop escort because he was so weak.

Those are very tragic events, which one experiences here at every turn. They cannot be ignored, and so I mention them, even when I assume that you have already heard more about them than you care to. However, I will spare you the details. It’s always the same story again and again, and that’s why I think …

No, I can’t expect So-and-So to understand such painful matters. It was smarter not to mention anything that could upset my friend. I erased the last two sentences and wrote something else.

You’ll certainly be pleased to hear that the situation here has generally gotten much better, signs of progress visible almost every day. People are moving on with fresh courage and dignified cheerfulness toward a better future.…

Peter came into the room and looked over my shoulder. “You are completely mad,” he said, not wanting anything to do with this approach, which he disapproved of as dishonest. As I began to defend it, because it seemed to me practical, he got upset because of my indifference to the fate of so many who suffered such misery. Even if his bride were to finally be released from prison, there were still ten thousand others locked up, and another hundred thousand hunted. This made me feel ashamed that I had written such optimistic claptrap. As an excuse, I quietly suggested that I couldn’t report on the new injustices being done, for the mails were censored. Peter laughed at me for being so stupid. No one was asking to hear from me about such expulsions, and indeed there had never been any need for me to go into such drivel. My task was first and foremost to just share the most important things. Should I wish to suppress anything uncomfortable about myself, that was no reason to conjure misleading nonsense. Thus I had to erase again and write something anew.

There’s little to say about the situation here. I could imagine that to you our circumstances here seem somewhat otherworldly. Even if that were not true, the newspapers, in which everything worth knowing is printed, would be enough to give you that sense. That’s why I’m limiting myself to telling only about me personally. Hopefully, I won’t bore you too much with it.

Certainly you will be happy when I say to you: I’m well, in fact surprisingly good. I live comfortably with a friend in a quiet suburb that is near the forest, with easy connections to the city and, since a couple of weeks ago, a really good job that suits me quite well. Don’t laugh, but I am working in a museum! In fact with paintings, exceptionally interesting ones. I’ll perhaps tell you more about them another time, for my skills will hardly allow me to describe them properly in a few words.

The life that I lead is thoroughly orderly and stimulating, as well as simple and humble. It suits me quite well. However, I have to think about where I want to be later on. I have to look for my own apartment, which, unfortunately, is not so easy, and there are many other questions that are pressing which under constantly changing conditions anyone here has to face, more or less.

What So-and-So might imagine lay behind such obscure sentences was anyone’s guess. But I let them stand, though Peter didn’t like them at all.

How keenly and inwardly free I felt in approaching these and other problems, and without any fear of insurmountable difficulties, and thus I thought at times that it would probably be more reasonable, given my talents and my research plans, to try to spend a longer time in a foreign country without decamping there too quickly. This was why I had not taken on too much, mainly because of a dearth of possibilities. To explain myself more precisely:

You must know that I am a bit isolated. I say that without any squeamish self-pity, but it’s true and carries with it advantages with which I would think you could empathize. There are still people outside who know me, or should know me. Unfortunately, I have had no success in coming into contact with them so far.

You are the first one I have written. That explains why I am going at it in such a circuitous manner. Can you understand that? You know, it’s hard to keep your sense of balance when you have been alone for so long. I don’t want to overwhelm you, and certainly I don’t want to ask of you something that is not possible, but perhaps you indeed still have time for me, even if in today’s world, after such a hard battle to get a sustainable situation, you cannot help me. Please understand that I certainly don’t need that at all, and you should certainly not misunderstand me; I am only asking for friendly advice in order that I can form an idea of how things are on the outside — what I should aim for if I wish to get ahead without expecting too much, such as perhaps giving a lecture in my field, and to build contacts who could be useful to my further studies.