H. Adler - The Wall

Thus I at last knew my next destination. Now what I really wanted more than anything was to leave the station. That’s what I wanted to ask to do next, but then Otto suddenly seized control of the conversation with another offer.

“I’m thinking you could also stay a couple of nights with me. I just have to ask Sylvia, but I know she’ll agree. I have a little room, which is really a bit small, for I use it mostly as a darkroom, but I can set up a chaise longue for you there. Many others have slept there already. I think that it even might be best for you, amid all this hustle and bustle, to stay with an old classmate, where you can almost feel at home while you get used to things. I can tell you everything about the city, what you need, and so on.”

This suggestion was not to my taste. I looked searchingly at Oswald.

“Naturally,” he said, “only what feels right to you. It will, however, mess up all the plans I’ve put in place.”

“Just let Landau decide,” interrupted Inge. “He’s old enough to decide for himself. One shouldn’t speak for him.”

“No one is speaking for him,” said So-and-So angrily. “The darkroom, Herr Schallinger, is a lousy idea. Nowhere can he be as comfortable as at Birch’s. It’s close by, and it means a lot to Arthur. That’s been the plan all along. Now, enough!”

Thus I was saved from having to make a choice and didn’t need to turn down Otto’s intrusive offer. But now I had really had enough of the station and was growing impatient.

“Can we finally go?”

“That’s not up to me,” explained So-and-So.

“Me, neither!” I responded indignantly. “That’s up to you, and you all finally need to decide. I cannot and don’t want to decide anything, and I’m happy to leave it to you all, but I’m begging you to come to a decision quickly! Get me out of here before I collapse!”

“Are you tired, Arthur? Did you have a bad trip? A bit overwhelmed? Do you want to sleep? You can sleep at my place.”

“I don’t want to sleep, just to get away from here! I’m starting to feel irritable.”

“He’s irritable!” exclaimed Inge excitedly. “Irritable because his friends are only thinking of how to best take care of him! We should be irritable and not you!”

Oswald stamped his foot and threw his sister an angry look. Then he turned to me.

“Naturally, we want to leave. Not a minute more. The station is very stifling. Just say what you want to do. Or maybe Kauders has an idea.”

“I have no idea!”

So-and-So was frustrated. He had never liked taking on the least responsibility, and perhaps more so now than ever.

“Arthur should decide!” he suggested.

“You know what I want — to get away from here! How to do that is up to you. Certainly, you’ve made a plan.”

“We have,” Oswald agreed. “Only if it’s all right with you, Arthur. I don’t tell anyone what to do. You are a free man. You, of course, know that.”

“Oh, anything that gets me out of this station is fine with me. Just tell me finally what the plan is!”

“Well, there are several possibilities,” offered Oswald, “any of which you can choose from. We could leave the luggage here, then head to a restaurant, for you are naturally hungry and thirsty, and it’s time for lunch. Then we can look at my place so that you see where you will be sleeping. Afterward, we can pick up the luggage and then decide what to do next. Or — and this is perhaps the best idea — we can pick up the luggage first and then head over to my place. It’s not very far away. Or we could also go to my place next, with or without the luggage, so that you can rest a bit and sleep, or not — naturally, whatever you wish — and then afterward we can go to the restaurant. We can decide, as the case may be, what to do with the luggage.”

“Those are pretty simple possibilities.”

So-and-So said that, and I didn’t know if he was being ironic or not.

“May I decide?” I asked.

“Naturally, with pleasure!”

“If it wouldn’t be too much trouble, I suggest that we take the luggage to Oswald’s and then do what you would like. Perhaps we could do so without taking a taxi. I’m not so spoiled that I can’t schlepp the luggage myself.”

“Then my place it is. Excellent, but with a taxi. It’s really the simplest and the quickest way. And, as for the luggage, we will—”

“That’s out of the question!” said Otto, chiming in. “We can carry it ourselves. I’ll, I’ll carry most of it myself.”

I didn’t argue when Otto and the others took hold of my luggage. Even Inge lifted up my satchel, and I let her do it. Then I glanced back at the attendants in left luggage, in order to ask their forgiveness and to wave goodbye, but the men were unconcerned with me. I walked behind the others, who marched along like ducks in a row, weaving through the crowd and hardly noticing whether I followed behind or not. There seemed to be no end to the station’s main hall, but finally we did indeed exit it. Oswald engaged a taxi driver, who took care of the suitcases, and before I knew it all five of us were sitting in the car. I sat in the middle, between So-and-So and Inge; Oswald and Otto sat across from us. We didn’t drive fast, but I couldn’t even get a glimpse of the city, for there was no way to look out with all of us crammed in so. It also didn’t help that Oswald kept nattering on at me, pointing excitedly this way and that in order to explain the layout of the streets and squares and the significance of the buildings, about which I was not able to understand anything, since everything looked the same to me and this senseless talk only beleaguered me the whole way. Yet I said yes, yes to it all, for I didn’t want to undermine Oswald’s enthusiasm, my gaze appearing to follow everything that he pointed out, though the eyes didn’t register anything at all. We traveled only for a little while, but it felt like a long time to me. The car finally braked sharply, causing it to lurch, Oswald and Otto jumping out quickly and busying themselves with the driver and the suitcases, while So-and-So, derided by Inge, worked to extricate himself with slow awkwardness. I wanted to follow quickly, and not to be mocked as well, yet Inge was actually nice to me for once.

“Let the fools be; they’ll do it the way they need to do it. They’re taking care of it all for you today, so just get out.”

That was an unexpectedly comforting bit of advice, and that was the Inge I remembered, rather than the one who had shown up at the station. It was good advice, for my limbs were half numb, and I had hardly any control of my body, really wanting my friends to leave, for their welcome had overwhelmed me so. How easy it was to compare it with the send-off given me by Anna, Peter, and Helmut! I just wanted to be alone, and not see anything, hear anything, or feel anything! I almost said that to Inge, but I preferred to avoid any kind of intimate exchange.

“I’m not tired, I—”

“Not tired?”

“Believe me, it’s true — no, not at all! But I feel a bit shaky. That’s why I’m grateful to you for sympathizing with me.”

“Grateful, ungrateful — I’m not here to argue with you about that. You are a poor soul. I know, Franziska. Don’t tell me anything about her, I don’t want to know! And now just get out and let what happens happen, so I can get out, too.”

Thus, as quickly as possible, I got out of the car. My foot hurt more than it had earlier, as if something had bitten it, but I carried on, determined. I leaned back in the car in order to be a gentleman, but Inge didn’t want any help.

“Go on, go on! The others are waiting.”

Which was true. Schallinger and Birch had disappeared into the house with the luggage; So-and-So stood waiting in the entrance and led me on ahead without worrying about Inge, who remained behind us. Oswald lived on the third floor and was there to greet me above, where he gave me an elaborate welcome, as if he had not already seen me. He wanted to lead me right away to a room where Otto was already, but since there was no sign of Inge, nor even the sound of her climbing the steps, he hesitated.