Qiu Miaojin - Last Words from Montmartre

I am not in turmoil anymore. The conflict within me is no longer serious. If you try to reconcile my words and my behavior, you’ll find that they are not as contradictory as you might believe. I’m aware of what each person I know means to me; I’ve always been clear about what I want. And I still have the power and freedom to choose whom to devote myself and my soul to, and hopefully always will. I know I’m complicated, but I’m also lucid. I feel things deeply but my desire is like a pure crystal. This is the rarest, most beautiful part of me, that sparkles brightly in the crowd.

APRIL 29

Xu,

Last night I went with White Whale to the Centre Pompidou to see Angelopoulos’s The Travelling Players . We sat there for four hours and didn’t emerge until it was already half past midnight. I was in such a good mood and kept laughing and laughing, hopping around and humming the Greek accordion tune from the film. So happy and so content. It was the first time I’d seen White Whale since Bunny’s death. Seeing me this happy, White Whale thought something was wrong with me.

During the four long hours of the movie there were a number of tedious, awkward scenes that made it feel like political propaganda, but there were also some serenely tender and astonishingly beautiful scenes as well. I was wholly attentive for the first three hours before I started to yawn, but then, for some unknown reason, laughter burst, from deep within my body, just suddenly burst out…. Life is so beautiful! Particularly when I think about my future life. It’s so beautiful! J’arrive pas : This expression has repeatedly flown from my mouth lately. It’s so beautiful! In Chinese it literally means “I can’t do it,” but that sounds too flat. Or it can be translated as “I can’t get there,” “I’m not up to standard,” “I’ve failed”… I remember Ya Yuan once sent me a newspaper clipping on “the benefits of being defective.” Lin Qingxuan said something that left a deep impression on me when he quoted Master Hong Yi: “I only hope that I will fail in my endeavors, because when things don’t turn out, the failure shames me into realizing my moral defects. How terrible if success leaves me complacent!”

And I have some serious defects indeed. My life has never been healthy and complete. It has some serious flaws, just like this film! Twenty-six years diffuse with memories of failure and incompetence, several moments I just wanted to escape forever. But do these failures matter? My twenty-six-year-old self is simply one big J’arrive pas . The film is Angelopoulos’s second, shot in 1975, seven years after his first. After that, in 1988, he made Landscape in the Mist (by this time he was perhaps the second-best director in the world), and in 1991 he made The Suspended Step of the Stork (this film is what made him my personal God, without equal; Tarkovsky was already dead by then). This year, 1995, he’ll release his latest film: Ulysses’ Gaze. (It was the last of a hundred films in the Greek Film Festival at the Centre Pompidou and premiers on July 22. I go crazy with excitement just thinking about seeing this film.) We shouldn’t have waited until The Suspended Step of the Stork to appreciate his exceptional vision. Rather we should have recognized the enduring presence of “a certain quality” in his work even when it was still awkward and rarely screened, whether it was sixteen years ago or four years ago. I love this artist precisely because I recognize this unfinished quality of his; and so this film, which White Whale found clumsy and inferior, is to me as satisfying and joyous as any of his other films. I can’t explain the difference between loving a film and loving its director (someone might mistake this for blind idolatry). I suppose I’m being ridiculous, but it’s difficult for me to put into words. There is no other way for me to draw near to him or pay homage to him besides my writing. There are eight of Angelopoulos’s other films screening and I won’t miss a single one. In addition to the closing film, I plan to see the others by May. The Suspended Step of the Stork I can watch again the day before my birthday. The accordion music is so joyous that I just want to keep singing and singing along with it. I’m a total nutcase, aren’t I?

MAY 1

Life has suddenly become overcrowded. Too many people I can care for are swarming in and filling up my chest. Too many things I want to do are rushing headlong into my new life for reasons unknown to me. All of a sudden my new life is like a field overgrown with strange flowers and exotic grasses or the shimmering, starry sky of my unbridled imagination….

A REMINISCENCE

So many people I’ve loved are reappearing after a long absence: Yong has tracked me down and made a place for me in her life. For the first time in a long while I feel like my family understands me and can console me. I feel like I’ve returned to their warm embrace. My eldest sister has been the one who has sustained me through time. Not only do I completely trust her now but I tell her everything about my life. On the evening of March 13, I cried and told her: Sister, for years other people have been hurting me and I can’t take it anymore. My spirit is decaying. Sister, sister, I’m so lonely. I’ve done my best to live as others want me to, but this time it’s serious. I’m afraid I could die at any moment, that’s why I called you. If something bad happens, please take care of Ma and Ba for me. She wept silently, saying: You’re not alone. People may hurt you or reject you, but you can always come home. You’ve still got us. If anything bad ever happened to you, how could I tell Ma and Ba? How could they bear it? All I know is that my little sister has always been brave. She has chosen her path and will step bravely forward! After that phone call, she called me several more times, once three days after Bunny’s death she happened to call again when she offered me the encouragement I most needed. On March 13, I also called my mother to tell her I wouldn’t be able to complete my studies and that I would be suspended from school. To my surprise she said gently: It’s okay. If you can’t finish school just come home . On March 15, Ba called and said that he only wanted me to be safe and happy, and that he would come and take care of anything that needed to be taken care of, and that I was always welcome home. I also got back in touch with my younger friend from college, Xiao Mei, as I knew she needed my support just then. When I called her from Tokyo, I only told her that I was there to see Yong and that Yong was taking good care of me. She said that she was relieved and that she wanted to send me a Chinese-language keyboard. I feel so ashamed. I’ve been in Paris for three years and it’s as if I haven’t spoken to her nor listened to her. I never offered her a “window” for her own self-exploration, and so it became harder and harder for her to be honest with herself, until that part of her life related to the humanities stagnated in favor of the sciences. I figure that besides her dependence on Li Ying, the deepest reaches of her soul have never been fathomed and are blank even to her. Back in 1992, she hoped I would leave all my books with her, but I didn’t. Doing so would have deprived me of the shared cultural memory that she and I had accumulated together during our four years of college. She was my main conspirator during those years and this decision must have really hurt her. Later, I even ceased to nourish her spirit. I thought she’d be apathetic, but she actually wanted me to have a happier life. She accepted me, and not once did she ever reveal to me her profound sense of loss. I don’t know what’s been wrong with me all these years, hoarding all the nourishment I should have been giving to others for one person!