Haruki Murakami - South of the Border, West of the Sun

I nodded. And suddenly recalled hearing from Yukiko about how her brother and his wife weren’t getting along. Her brother, a year younger than me, had a girlfriend and didn’t come home much anymore. I imagined my father-in-law was worried about his oldest son and that’s why he brought all this up.

“Anyhow, don’t get involved with some worthless bit of tail. Do that and you’ll soon be worthless yourself. Play around with a stupid woman, and you’ll turn stupid too. Which isn’t to say you should get involved with some high-class woman. That’d make it tough to go back to what’s waiting for you at home. Do you get what I’m telling you?”

“I think so,” I replied.

“As long as you keep a few things in mind, you’ll do okay. First, don’t set the woman up with her own place. That’s a definite mistake. Second, no matter what, come back home by two a.m. Two a.m. is the point of no return. Finally, don’t use your friends as excuses to cover up your affairs. You may be found out. If that happens, well, there’s not much you can do about it. But there’s no need to lose a friend in the process.”

“It sounds like you’re speaking from experience.”

“You got it. Man learns from experience alone,” he said. “There are some people who don’t; I know you’re not one of them. You have a very discriminating eye, something only experience can teach you. I’ve been to your bars just a couple of times, but it’s plain to see. You know how to hire good people and how to treat them right.”

I was silent, waiting for him to go on.

“You also have a good eye for choosing a wife. Yukiko’s very happy living with you. And your children are wonderful kids. I’m grateful to you.”

He’s pretty drunk, I thought. But I didn’t say anything.

“You probably don’t know this, but Yukiko tried to commit suicide once. Took an overdose of sleeping pills. We rushed her to the hospital, and she didn’t regain consciousness for two days. I was sure she wouldn’t make it. Her body was cold, and she was hardly breathing. She’s a goner, I figured. I felt like the world had collapsed.”

I looked up at him. “When did this happen?”

“When she was twenty-two. Right after she graduated from college. It was over a man. A real jerk she’d gotten herself engaged to. Yukiko looks real quiet, but underneath she’s a tough cookie. And smart. That’s why I can’t figure out why she’d ever get herself involved with a guy like that.” He leaned against the pillar in the traditional-style room we were in, put a cigarette between his lips, and lit it. “Well, that was her very first man. The very first time, everyone makes mistakes. With Yukiko, though, it was a huge shock. That’s why she tried to kill herself. For a long while afterward she wouldn’t have anything to do with men. She’d always been pretty outgoing, but she stopped talking to people and stayed holed up in the house. Once she met you, though, she began to cheer up. She did a complete turnaround. I remember you met each other on a trip?”

“That’s right. At Yatsugatake.”

“I nearly had to shove her out the door to get her to go. I thought travel might do her good.”

I nodded. “I knew nothing about the suicide,” I said.

“I thought it was better you didn’t know, so I never mentioned it But it’s high time you knew. The two of you are going to be together for a long time, so you’d better know everything—the good and the bad. Besides, it happened a long time ago.” He closed his eyes and blew a puff of smoke into the air. “It’s funny for me as her parent to say this, but she’s a good woman. I’ve played around a lot and have an eye for the ladies. Whether she’s my daughter or not, I’m able to judge women pretty well. My younger daughter’s much prettier, but Yukiko’s the better person. You’re a good judge of people.”

I was silent.

“You don’t have any brothers and sisters, do you?”

“No, I don’t,” I said.

“Do you think I love all three of my children equally?”

“I have no idea.”

“How about you? Do you love both of your daughters the same?”

“Sure.”

“That’s ‘cause they’re both still little,” he said. “Wait till they grow up. First you’ll like this one, but then you’ll start leaning toward the other. Someday you’ll see what I mean.”

“Really?” I said.

“I’d never say this to them, but of my three kids, I like Yukiko best. I feel bad for the others when I say this, but there you have it. Yukiko and I get along well, and I can trust her.”

I nodded.

“You have a good eye for people, and that’s a wonderful talent you’ve got to cherish. I’m a hopeless case myself, but at least I’ve helped raise something not quite so hopeless.”

I assisted my now thoroughly drunk father-in-law into his Mercedes. He sank back into the rear seat, spread his legs apart, and closed his eyes. I hailed a cab and went home. As soon as I arrived, Yukiko wanted to hear the upshot of our luncheon meeting.

“Nothing really important,” I said. “Your father just wanted to have someone to drink with. He ended up pretty drunk. I wonder that he can go back to work in that condition.”

“He’s always like that” Yukiko laughed. “He has some drinks at lunch, then takes an hour’s nap on the sofa in his office. The company hasn’t gone belly-up yet. Don’t you worry about him.”

“He doesn’t seem to hold his liquor like he used to.”

“No, he doesn’t. Before Mom died, he could drink like a fish and never show it. He was tough. But it can’t be helped. Everybody gets old.”

She brewed a pot of coffee, and we sat at the dining table, drinking it. I decided not to say anything about the dummy company and her father’s request. She’d only think he was bothering me, and she wouldn’t like it. It’s true you borrowed money from Father, but that has nothing to do with this , Yukiko would no doubt say. You’re paying it back, with interest right? But the situation wasn’t quite that simple.

My younger daughter was fast asleep in her room. When I finished my coffee, I enticed Yukiko into bed. We stripped naked and held each other tight there in the glare of the sun. I took my time warming her body up, then entered her. But all the time I was inside her, it was Shimamoto I saw. I closed my eyes and felt I was holding Shimamoto. And I came violently.

I took a shower, then went back to bed, to sleep for a while. Yukiko was already dressed, but after I slipped into bed, she got under the covers and put her lips against my back. I lay silent, with eyes closed. I’d had sex with her, all the while thinking of another woman, and the guilt was getting to me. I lay there, silent eyes closed.

“You know, I really do love you,” Yukiko said.

“We’ve been married seven years, we have two kids,” I said. “‘Bout time for you to get tired of me, don’t you think?”

“Perhaps. But I still love you.”

I held her close. And began to undress her. I pulled off her sweater and skirt, her underwear.

“Whoa! You’re not planning what I think you’re planning, are you?” she asked in surprise.

“Of course,” I said.

“Special-entry time for my diary today,” she said.

This time I tried hard not to think of Shimamoto. I held Yukiko’s body, looking at her face and concentrating only on her. I kissed her lips, her neck, her breasts. And I came inside of her. Afterward, I held her for a long time.

“Are you all right?” she asked, her eyes on me. “Did something happen today with you and Father?”

“Nothing happened,” I replied. “Not a thing. I just feel like staying like this for a while.”

“Be my guest,” she said. And she held me tight, with me still inside her. I closed my eyes and pulled her hard against my body, as though, if I didn’t, I would fly off into the void.