Jerry Pinto - Em and the Big Hoom

Em began. ‘I won’t do it on the first night, I told him. I was thinking of poor Audrey. She had screamed fit to bring the house down, she said. The hotel people had to come and stop things. I was dying of shame and pain for her as she told me all this, but when I saw her face she looked as pleased and proud as if she’d been mentioned in Punch !’

Susan and I squirmed. The Big Hoom was silent. Em, thankfully, fell silent too. Susan shot up to clear the table. On her way to the kitchen, she switched on the radio.

• • •

One day I found a pair of letters in an envelope marked ‘Contract’.

Dear Angel Ears,

I know we have agreed to pledge our troth & etc. And this may come as a shock but it is best said now before it is too late and you discover the awful truth for yourself and end up hurt and miserable and believing that you have been cheated.

Without further roundaboutation, then.

(She takes a long steadying draught of tasteless tea. Just so you should know how difficult this is to write.)

I do not think I am much interested in the whole business of copulation. I love you deeply and I enjoy very much our ‘necking and petting’. I must say I thought it pretty disgusting that one should open one’s mouth but I closed my eyes and prayed to Saint Anne and that seemed to work and now I’m quite accustomed to the taste of it. I may even have developed a taste for it, which, I suppose, I might attribute to the magic of love.

But from what I have read — and I must say that Three to Get Married was not very explicit on the subject and, despite all the fierce warnings from the pulpit, nor was Alberto Moravia — it seems as if the whole penetration thing might be more fun for you than for me.

Please read this letter seriously. I can almost imagine you smiling here. I feel warm thinking about your smile, but you must not imagine me smiling. You must imagine that my eyes are meeting yours directly and I am refusing to smile. (I am the greatest hypocri-sissy in the world.)

So: what if I don’t take to the thing? How often will you expect it? Will I be within my rights to refuse? I asked Father Fabregad but he said, ‘That will settle itself by and by,’ and went all twinkly and rosy and Portugoosey on me. Though why I should ask a celibate man what a woman’s rights are, beats even me. But who else, I wondered, and that’s when I thought, well, there’s him to whom… He’s the most concerned in this affair, after all.

I will never speak to you again if you mention this letter to me or if you do not reply in full and with frankness.

With all that my mind and spirit can muster,

Imelda

Only recently, after some years of an on-again-off-again search, I found a second-hand copy of Three to Get Married . It’s a book by Fulton Sheen, now Servant of God. Written in the beautifully expressive prose of the pulpit, it is quite clear about certain things:

If love does not climb, it falls. If, like the flame, it does not burn upward to the sun, it burns downward to destroy. If sex does not mount to heaven, it descends into hell. There is no such thing as giving the body without giving the soul. Those who think they can be faithful in soul to one another, but unfaithful in body, forget that the two are inseparable. Sex in isolation from personality does not exist! An arm living and gesticulating apart from the living organism is an impossibility. Man has no organic functions isolated from his soul.

It’s easy to mock. No organic functions isolated from the soul? You fart and your soul knows what you ate at the last meal? Your hair falls and your soul clucks its tongue over your failure to use conditioner after a shampoo? And the book never mentions the genitals at all. Nor does it mention the word orgasm. It is an abstract work as befits the idea of a man, a woman and a god getting married; it is full of paradoxes which stop short of the Chestertonian. Yet, it was the book that was given to almost every affianced couple of the Roman Catholic persuasion, and it had a lasting effect on many.

Thirty years after Em was a teenager, we were being told the story of the Pieta in school by the Father Henrys and the Sister Marias: Michelangelo was asked why his Virgin was so young and beautiful even as she held the broken body of her thirty-three-year-old son in her arms. And he is supposed to have said: ‘Do you not know that chaste women stay fresh much more than those who are not chaste? How much more in the case of the Virgin, who had never experienced the least lascivious desire that might change her body?’ Even in the 1980s, when I entered the ‘dangerous’ period in which I might violate the temple of the Lord, Sin was about sex; Sanctity was about chastity. Imelda must have been prey to far greater fears and shame in her youth. It is a small miracle that she wrote Augustine the kind of letter she did.

But the reply she received had all the hallmarks of the man who became The Big Hoom. He got straight to the point and got past it.

Dear Imelda,

In accordance with your wishes, I did not imagine you smiling. I did not smile myself.

But I am willing to take my chances.

Your body is yours to give or not. Should you decide not, I will respect that, although I must warn you that I will work hard to reverse your decision.

Let me say, though, that I find all the signs most encouraging.

Shall we go forward then?

Love,

Augustine.

I showed Em the letters. She read them both and began to cry, but only out of one eye. (‘I gave up crying from both eyes after Vietnam,’ she said, and meant it.)

‘It was the first time,’ she said after a bit, ‘that I knew there was an alternative. And only after that, I knew how scared I was of the whole sex thing. We had been told it was the gateway to hell, that we would lose everything if we went all the way. We were told that men were dangerous. Unpredictable. Violent. You could never be sure what would happen if you were alone with them. They could not be relied on if they had had something to drink. A girl had to be ready for anything. Then, as soon as you were all ready to get married, the same people told you: close the door and be his wife.’

‘Have sex with him, you mean.’

‘That was only one part of it. In those days, it wasn’t even a problem if he gave you a slap or two. Everyone gets a couple, they’d say. They don’t know their own strength, that’s why he broke your jaw, how else is he to make sure you respect him, what else can a man do…’

She stopped. Perhaps she saw something on my face.

‘No, no, not him. He never did. Though God knows I gave him enough cause. Do you remember Black Pants?’

‘Black Pants?’

‘You should remember. You were there.’

‘I was where?’

‘No, maybe you were too little. It was the time that the fan was sending messages.’

The fan had been sending messages for a while. Often, these were innocuous messages that had very little impact on the family. The fan — or the people in the fan, we were never sure since the singular and the plural were both used — might dictate a jam sandwich to be consumed at three o’clock in the morning or the washing of the curtains a few days after they had been hung. But this time, the message was clear. Take your son and leave the house.

She did.

‘I think it was some time in the afternoon. You didn’t want to go but you came anyway because in those days you followed me around with a sad look in your eyes. Did I ever tell you that you broke my heart?’