J. Coetzee - The Childhood of Jesus

‘Please, Elena, don’t mistake me. I place no value on my tired old memories. I agree with you: they are just a burden. No, it is something else that I am reluctant to yield up: not memories themselves but the feel of residence in a body with a past, a body soaked in its past. Do you understand that?’

‘A new life is a new life,’ says Elena, ‘not an old life all over again in new surroundings. Look at Fidel —’

‘But what is the good of a new life,’ he interrupts her, ‘if we are not transformed by it, transfigured, as I certainly am not?’

She gives him time to say more, but he is done.

‘Look at Fidel,’ she says. ‘Look at David. They are not creatures of memory. Children live in the present, not the past. Why not take your lead from them? Instead of waiting to be transfigured, why not try to be like a child again?’

He and the boy are taking a walk in the parklands, on the first of the excursions sanctioned by Inés. The gloom has lifted from his heart, there is a spring in his step. When he is with the child the years seem to fall away.

‘And how is Bolívar getting on?’ he asks.

‘Bolívar ran away.’

‘Ran away! That’s a surprise! I thought Bolívar was devoted to you and Inés.’

‘Bolívar doesn’t like me. He only likes Inés.’

‘But surely you can like more than one person.’

‘Bolívar only likes Inés. He is her dog.’

‘You are Inés’s son, but you don’t love only Inés. You love me too. You love Diego and Stefano. You love Álvaro.’

‘No, I don’t.’

‘I’m sorry to hear that. So Bolívar has departed. Where do you think he has gone?’

‘He came back. Inés put his food outside and he came back. Now she won’t let him out at all.’

‘I’m sure he is just unused to his new home.’

‘Inés says it is because he smells lady dogs. He wants to mate with a lady dog.’

‘Yes, that is one of the trials of keeping a gentleman dog — he wants to be with the lady dogs. It’s the way of nature. If gentleman dogs and lady dogs no longer wanted to mate, there would be no baby dogs born, and then after a while there would be no dogs at all. So it may be best to allow Bolívar a little freedom. How about your sleeping? Are you sleeping better? Have the bad dreams gone away?’

‘I dreamed about the boat.’

‘Which boat?’

‘The big boat. Where we saw the man with the hat. The pirate.’

‘The pilot, not the pirate. What did you dream?’

‘It sank.’

‘It sank? And what happened next?’

‘I don’t know. I can’t remember. The fishes came.’

‘Well, I’ll tell you what happened. We were saved, you and I. We must have been saved, otherwise how would we be here now? So it was just a bad dream. Fishes don’t eat people anyway. Fishes are harmless. Fishes are good.’

It is time to turn back. The sun is setting, the first stars are coming out.

‘Do you see those two stars there, where I am pointing — the two bright ones? They are the Twins, so called because they are always together. And that star there, just above the horizon, with the reddish tinge — that is the evening star, the first star to appear when the sun goes down.’

‘Are the twins brothers?’

‘Yes. I forget their names, but once upon a time they were famous, so famous that they were turned into stars. Maybe Inés will remember the story. Does Inés ever tell you stories?’

‘She tells me bedtime stories.’

‘That’s good. Once you have learned to read by yourself, you won’t have to rely on Inés or me or anyone else. You will be able to read all the stories in the world.’

‘I can read, only I don’t want to. I like Inés to tell me stories.’

‘Isn’t that a bit short-sighted? Reading will open new windows to you. What kind of stories does Inés tell you?’

‘Third Brother stories.’

‘Third Brother stories? I don’t know any of those. What are they about?’

The boy stops, clasps his hands before him, stares into the distance, and begins to speak.

‘Once upon a time there were three brothers and it was winter and it was snowing and the mother said, Brothers Three, Brothers Three, I feel a great pain in my insides and I fear I am going to die unless one of you will seek out the Wise Woman who guards the precious herb of cure.

‘Then the First Brother said, Mother, Mother, I will find the Wise Woman. And he put on his cloak and went out in the snow and he met a fox and the fox said to him, Where are you going, Brother? and the Brother said, I am seeking the Wise Woman who guards the precious herb of cure, so I have no time to talk to you, Fox. And the fox said, Give me food and I will show you the way, and the Brother said, Out of my way, Fox, and he gave the fox a kick and went into the forest and was never heard of again.

‘Then the Mother said, Brothers Two, Brothers Two, I feel a great pain in my insides and I fear I am going to die unless one of you will seek out the Wise Woman who guards the precious herb of cure.

‘So the Second Brother said, Mother, Mother, I will go, and he put on his cloak and went out in the snow and he met a wolf and the wolf said, Give me food and I will show you the way to the Wise Woman, and the Brother said, Out of my way, Wolf, and gave him a kick and went into the forest and was never heard of again.

‘Then the Mother said, Third Brother, Third Brother, I feel a great pain in my insides and I fear I am going to die unless you bring me the precious herb of cure.

‘Then the Third Brother said, Never fear, Mother, I will find the Wise Woman and bring back the precious herb of cure. And he went out in the snow and he met a bear and the bear said, Give me food and I will show you the way to the Wise Woman. And the Third Brother said, Gladly, Bear, will I give whatever you ask. Then the bear said, Give me your heart to devour. And the Third Brother said, Gladly will I give you my heart. So he gave the bear his heart and the bear devoured it.

‘Then the bear showed him a secret path, and he came to the Wise Woman’s house and he knocked on the door and the Wise Woman said, Why are you bleeding, Third Brother? And the Third Brother said, I gave my heart to the bear to devour so that he would show me the way, for I must bring back the precious herb of cure that will heal my mother.

‘Then the Wise Woman said, Behold, here is the precious herb of cure whose name is Escamel, and because you had faith and gave up your heart to be devoured, your mother shall be healed. Follow the drops of blood back through the forest and you will find your way home.

‘Then the Third Brother found his way home and he said to his mother, Behold, Mother, here is the herb Escamel, and now goodbye, I must leave you because the bear has devoured my heart. And his mother tasted the herb Escamel and at once she was healed, and she said, My Son, My Son, I see you are shining with a great light, and it was true, he was shining with a great light and then he was borne up into the sky.’

‘And?’

‘That’s all. That’s the end of the story.’

‘So the last brother was turned into a star and the mother was left alone.’

The boy is silent.

‘I don’t like that story. The ending is too sad. Anyway, you can’t be the third brother and be borne up into the sky like a star because you are the one and only brother and therefore the first brother.’

‘Inés says I can have more brothers.’

‘Does she! And where are these brothers to come from? Does she expect me to bring them to her as I brought you?’

‘She says she is going to have them out of her tummy.’

‘Well, no woman can make children all by herself, she will need a father to help her, she ought to know that. It’s a law of nature, the same law for us as for dogs and wolves and bears. But even if she does have more sons, you will still be the first son, not the second or the third.’