Hanif Kureishi - The Last Word

Liana picked up the stick with the rabbit head and approached him with it. ‘Why don’t I take your stick and tap out some nice words on your forehead? I could hear you from the kitchen laughing together — while I make your favourite spicy parsnip soup! You disappear to be an artist, and leave me alone all day! You absolutely forbid me to enter the room. Then you let her in.’

‘She is like a daughter to me — to both of us! You know that perfectly well.’

‘You filthy man, what’s wrong with me, why can’t I be your daughter? And then you condemn me for talking to Harry!’

‘I do?’

‘You accuse me of flirting like a fishwife and plumping up my breasts pneumatically! And then, finally, you deliberately and cruelly deny me the thing I want most in the world!’

‘What, Liana, please, you know I’ll do anything for you!’

‘A place in Chelsea! You’re too mean to spend the money.’

‘Don’t raise my blood pressure or I’ll slap your fat face, you ignorant bitch, and knock your aura right into the gutter.’

‘You’re not man enough.’

‘Get out!’

‘What did you say?’

‘No, no, Liana, sorry, you know that though I find you irritating, I love you,’ he said, putting out his arms and stretching across the desk towards her.

‘If you love me,’ she said, moving away from him, ‘you will agree to the following. I was dancing with Alice to Abba in the barn a few weeks ago. Julia was the DJ. We were in something of a stupor. I had a flash of inspiration. I’m going to write a self-help book.’

Mamoon looked startled, but, in the circumstances, could only continue to listen.

She said, ‘It’ll be about me, my story.’

‘What exactly is your story?’

‘Don’t you know?’ When he shook his head, she leaned across the desk. ‘An attractive, feisty woman captures the heart of an artistic powerhouse, revives his career while dealing with his impossible ego, and helps turn him into a monument while running a country estate.’

He said, ‘The story you describe is a miracle, and its heroine clearly a parasite. Where is the self-help in that?’

‘It will include good advice on how to seduce a man and get him to marry you.’

‘It’s true, you have mainly used me for money,’ he said.

‘I wish I had,’ she said. ‘It was what people advised me to do.’ Liana turned to Harry. ‘Didn’t you say the book was a brilliant start, Harry, when I showed it to you a couple of weeks ago?’

‘Well, yes, but I only glanced through it, Liana—’ Harry began.

Mamoon said, ‘Is it true that your filthy stain extends even this far?’

Liana said, ‘You depress me, Mamoon. What really is the point of you?’ She was looking at his desk, as was Harry, who noticed a journal held open by a couple of beach stones. Next to it were some white pages with Mamoon’s scrawl across them. ‘Give me that diary to read,’ she said. ‘We’ll go through it together. We don’t have secrets, do we?’

He snorted with laughter. But not for long. Liana picked up a full cup of the tea which Julia brought Mamoon continuously throughout the day, and tipped some of it over the journal, and the rest over the other writing. They watched the writer’s words suddenly dissolve and disappear into a puddle on the desk, dripping onto the floor.

Liana leaned her hip against his desk, and tried to shove it to one side. ‘I am not your fan, and I don’t want to be just a sucking and shopping spouse! I am moving in here, beside you. You can advise me on the finest words.’

Mamoon said, ‘It’s laughable, us side by side like school children. I will never come in here again.’

‘Wherever you are, I will be next to you.’

‘Then I will kill myself.’

She laughed wildly. ‘You lack the courage.’

‘To get away from you, I will do it.’

She picked up a rock he used as a paperweight. ‘Why don’t I insert this into the middle of your face?’

She even threw it, and not limply; he put up his hand and it bounced away. If he hadn’t laughed, she wouldn’t have taken a step forward and struck him across the face. One of her rings must have caught him, because suddenly there was a line of blood and his cry, when he realised he’d been slashed.

She had done it and gone, running out of the barn towards the house. Mamoon hobbled out behind her, his handkerchief at his face, with Alice and Harry behind him.

Inside, Liana flew upstairs, shouting, ‘Leave me alone, you deceivers! If any of you follow me I will kill myself!’

In the kitchen Alice led Mamoon to the sink. She staunched his bleeding cheek, cleaned the wound and applied a plaster. Harry put the kettle on and made tea. He tried to catch Alice’s eye to indicate that this might be a good opportunity to leave, but he guessed they wouldn’t be able to get out until this dispute was settled.

Mamoon was upset, but not devastated; he had seen this before. Later, he would open a bottle of champagne for Liana. All would be well. Glancing at the notebook which Harry always carried with him, he said, ‘I hope you’re not writing this down in bad English to make us look like mad people.’

‘Maestro, I’ll make sure he won’t,’ said Alice.

Mamoon said, ‘I’m sorry that Liana somehow blames you for this.’

‘She does?’ said Alice. ‘Is it really my fault? Harry, please tell me if it is.’

Liana came down, carrying a suitcase. ‘I am wearing my necklace of skulls — a piece I hate. But I slam the door and goodbye! Alice, please hold onto the dogs.’

Mamoon hurried across and took her arm. ‘Liana, I beg you, this has gone too far.’

‘Yes, who will change the batteries in your toothbrush? Who will rub cream into your injured foot and give you your pills? You will die here alone. Do you really believe these young exploiters care for you?’ She pulled the case towards the door. ‘I will go to those who love and appreciate me.’

‘Like who?’

‘You can take Alice, you old fool, but you’re too stupid to see how she used you!’

‘What nonsense!’

‘Harry sent her to persuade you to confess to things with Marion that you never did — I heard it from Rob.’

‘You didn’t do that, Alice?’ Mamoon said, in incomprehension.

‘In a way I did,’ she said.

‘Dear girl, I cannot think of you like that,’ said Mamoon. ‘Harry must have been behind it. Don’t worry, I’ll take him down for that.’

Harry said, ‘Why don’t you sit, please, Liana, and we can talk this through.’

‘Yes,’ said Mamoon. ‘Please, Marion, I mean Liana, you are working yourself up too much!’

Mamoon tried to pull the suitcase from her, but she pushed him away. He fell against the table, turned, twisted and collapsed.

‘Oh my God, Mamoon,’ said Alice, going towards him. ‘Your back’s gone!’

‘You see, you see!’ cried Liana. ‘Now give me the car key!’

‘Never.’

‘I will walk across the fields to the station,’ she said, disappearing out of the door and into the rain. ‘Goodbye for ever!’

‘Don’t let her go,’ said Mamoon to Harry.

‘What can I do?’

‘It’s dark already. Suppose she falls in the pond and drowns! Fetch her back!’

‘ I will,’ said Alice, and out she went.

Harry had to pursue her as she headed for the track up to the road. The rain was heavy and the wind was loud, but Harry could hear her yelling for Liana. It didn’t take him long to find Alice. She was his priority. He had to lead her back to the house forcibly, while urging her to be quiet. Yet he could hear nothing of Liana.

Alice was soaked through, and when Harry had brought her in, he found a towel and fetched her warm clothes. Then he went to Mamoon with a blanket. ‘Please, just lie down on the sofa and wait. Liana will be back soon.’