John Casey - Spartina

Dick heard Elsie moving around behind him. After a while she said, “Let me get this straight. You want a loan.”

“That’s right.”

“You’re not begging. A loan isn’t begging. I know you went to Joxer Goode—”

“Joxer Goode is a businessman. He stood to gain. But even talking to him I felt I was stripping myself naked. I’ll tell you something I don’t like to remember. Joxer asked me about collateral, and after I’d listed the house and truck I said, ‘There’s my eighteen-foot skiff and there’s the boys’ little skiff.’ ”

Elsie said, “I don’t get it. What’s so bad about that?”

“Jesus, Elsie. It was like I was going into the next room and coming back with the boys’ piggy bank. It’s the boys’ boat. And it was so … puny. Joxer’s a decent enough guy, so he didn’t laugh. Not to my face at least. But there I was in front of him, turning my pockets inside out. I might as well have been taking off my damn pants, I might as well have said, Go on and take the boys, take May. They’ll pick crabs for you, they’ll clean your house.…”

Elsie said, “I don’t think he saw it that way. I understand how you feel—”

“Do you?”

“Yes, I do,” Elsie said. “Goddamn it, I do. And it’s wrong of you to think I don’t.”

Dick turned around.

“It makes me mad,” Elsie said. “The way you think of me. You should have made this clearer to me before now. Much clearer. Either you think I’m a moron, or you don’t trust me. I know things, for God’s sakes. I built this house, I live on a salary. And I’m trustworthy.” Elsie pursed her lips. “I’m not perfect, but I’m trustworthy.” Elsie suddenly deflated. She said, “I know it’s complicated. I mean, we are having an affair and that’s always more than anyone imagines.… And I’m tied up in odd ways with all sorts of people you might not trust — there’s my brother-in-law for one, building his dream resort for the right people on Sawtooth Point. He’s not a bad person but … One thing I’ve always felt is how unfair it is that my family just swooped down on Sawtooth Point. And now my sister and brother-in-law are doing it again. I’ve always felt my family owed you something. And I understand how hard you’ve worked. I feel guilty. I can even imagine that it might make you angry to come here and see this house.”

“No. Jesus, Elsie, I don’t hold your house against you. And if your father bought land from my father, that’s their business. My old man needed the money. And it was later when he sold the rest of the point. Once he knew he had cancer, he was scared they wouldn’t treat him right if they thought he couldn’t pay his bills.

“It’s funny — these last couple of weeks I’ve softened up a lot. I’ve never laid around so much in my life. I’ve never spent so much time in bed.”

Elsie cocked her head. “Is that so? Sloth and lust drive out anger and envy. So what does that make me? Some siren luring you to a doom of pleasure in her enchanted cave?”

“No.”

“Do you want me to start nagging you about working on your boat?”

“No.”

“Do you think we should stop? I mean, do you think there’s some correlation between our affair and your not working on your boat?”

“No.”

Elsie said, “You always get so gloomy when I ask you questions. Submerged swamp Yankee. But it does you good, you know. On a scale of one to ten, how guilty do you feel about sleeping with me?”

Dick said, “Jesus, Elsie.”

Elsie laughed. “Isn’t our little spat cheering you up? It does me.”

“Come on, Elsie. Don’t just fool around. I’ve screwed everything up. I’ve blown it all into the air. Every goddamn thing.”

Elsie sighed. “I suppose I should be a comfort to you. The problem is, every time we get all cozy and tender, we don’t have sex. But go ahead. This is my last good deed of the day, though. I’ve spent all morning driving Miss Perry to her doctor and back.” Elsie took off her jacket, sat down on the sofa, and said, “Come on over here.” She took his hand and held it between hers on top of her knees. “Tell me one thing that makes you think you’ve fucked up.”

Dick shook his head, but went ahead and said, “You know most of it. I just told you about why I don’t want to go to Miss Perry.”

Elsie said, “I’ll tell you about that in a minute, that’s not out of the question at all.” Elsie reached up, stroked his head and said, “Something else.”

Dick leaned back and said, “I think Charlie’s got a crush on you. While I was waiting here I couldn’t get it out of my head that he spends time dreaming about you.”

“Oh. Yes. I see.” Elsie cocked her head. “Don’t worry. He may have a little sneaker for me but it’s tiny. And I think he has a girlfriend in school. But no one will find out about us. You don’t have to worry, it really is all right.”

Dick let go. He thought he might regret it, it might be games to her. But the effect of her saying “I know, it’s all right” was too much relief to resist. He told her he was the one who’d dug the clams from the bird-sanctuary beach. “I know. Don’t worry.” He told her he’d once smuggled coke in his boot. He told her he’d done it again. Recently. “I know,” she said. “That’s probably why Parker and Schuyler went to New York.”

“I didn’t get paid.”

“Don’t do it again. You’ll be all right if you don’t do it again. It’s good you didn’t get paid. That’s all right.”

He told her about the detective on the dock, the dog, the whelks. “Jesus,” she said, drawing in her breath, “don’t try that again.” She laughed. “Whelks!” She said, “It’ll be okay. Parker’s got enough sense to let Schuyler do it his way. Schuyler probably sells it where he plays squash.”

As she said “squash” soothingly, Elsie took Dick’s head between her hands. “You really are miserable,” she said. “You really do feel just terrible.”

Dick had never imagined such indulgence, such soothing, indulgent pleasure.

Elsie pulled him toward her so he lay with his head in her lap. She smoothed his forehead with her palms, closed his eyelids.

Dick said, “I sometimes feel like I’m caught already. Like there’s a whole other force nosing around, nothing clear or smart about it, just a bunch of dumb sharks, they can’t see anything, but they’re nosing around.”

“I know, I know,” Elsie said. “But they’re not after you. Believe me, you’re not what they’re after.” She smoothed the furrows in his forehead with her fingertips. She said, “And Parker won’t sell you out. He might use you and cheat you, but I’m sure he wouldn’t ever turn you in.”

“It’s not just that,” Dick said. “I’m all spread out, everything can go wrong.”

“It won’t,” Elsie said. She kissed his temple. “It’s going to be all right. Really. May doesn’t have a clue, I can tell. You’re going to get your boat and be busy. You and I will be friends. You’ll see. Miss Perry is going to lend you the money. It’s all set.”

Dick said, “What?”

“Maybe I shouldn’t have stuck my nose in, but there wasn’t a lot of time — she’s going into her depression. You don’t have to go see her.”

Dick started to get up.

“Not yet,” Elsie said, putting a hand on his chest.

“No,” Dick said, “Jesus, Elsie …”

“It’s all right,” Elsie said. “I know I should have checked with you, but it’s set now, and I want you to let me help. Miss Perry wants to do it. We talked with Captain Texeira, who came by, and he said you’re good, that your boat’s a good investment. She’s going to lend you ten thousand. You pay back a thousand a year plus ten percent interest. And I’m going to lend you a thousand that I borrowed from my brother-in-law.”