Mark Leyner - The Tetherballs of Bougainville

WARDEN wipes tears from eyes.

She looks up at him with an expression of profound sadness and infinite wisdom, and flicks the tip of his dick with her tongue.

MARK ejaculates immediately.

NOTE:

The “Aggghhhh” soliloquy beginning on this page and continuing onto this page is one of the most musical speeches in the entire screenplay, and much of its power derives from that musicality — its permutations and variations on a theme.

Like music, it produces a dual effect, that is, both instantaneous and cumulative, as the echoes of the earlier variations reverberate in the mind as one hears the latter.

Here, whoever plays the role of MARK faces what is widely considered a supreme test of an actor’s range.

The challenge is first and foremost to memorize the speech, with its many philosophical and often cryptic shadings. Perhaps even more daunting is the need to scrupulously observe the subtle shifts in pronunciation and time value as indicated by the meticulously nuanced spellings—“Aggghhh” as opposed to “Aggggghhhhh,” for instance.

A metrical tour de force, the speech requires an actor to reconcile two simultaneous but dissynchronous rhythms — the syncopated syntactical cadences that are inherent in an award-acceptance speech and the steady rhythmic effects of the WARDEN’S hand on MARK’s penis.

It’s critically important to remember that gagged speech is fundamentally different from dental-patient locution, although the two share some phonetic characteristics. And gagged speech during sexual stimulation is considered by linguists to be a completely distinct language, which some contend may actually predate the Indo-Iranian and Balto-Slavic branches.

Nowhere are the insuperable difficulties of the translator more conspicuous than in the “Agggghhhh” soliloquy. Notwithstanding the inevitable sacrifice of certain musical and poetic effects, the subtitled translation strives to reproduce with all possible fidelity both the words and their rhetorical form. Although the delicacy and poignance of MARK’s concluding “Aggghh. Agggghhhh. Agggggghhhhhh. Aggghhh” is irreparably altered and coarsened in translation, one hopes that, at the very least, the subtitled “You’ll always be my bikpela numbawan” evokes and sustains the thought and feeling within.

MEDIUM SHOT of WARDEN unfastening ball-gag.

CLOSE-UP of MARK, bursting to speak.

MARK

(the very instant the gag is removed)

That was phenomenal! That was, like, the absolute best sex I’ve ever had.

WARDEN

You’re a honey.

OFFICE briefly fills with pink mist.

There’s a fleeting sense now that this is all taking place in a Cocteau Twins video.

It’s like the afterschool afternoon you always dreamed of.

In slow motion, WARDEN unlocks his handcuffs.

MARK takes a swig of cough syrup from a bottle he finds on the credenza.

She lights a cigarette and hands it to him.

MARK takes a drag and glances at his watch.

MARK

(realizing that it’s not going to be feasible for him to get to the Maplewood Public Library before it closes)

Shit … Do you have any, like, food?

WARDEN opens small chrome Miele refrigerator atop credenza and peers in.

WARDEN

I have a strawberry Ensure, I have a hazelnut Sustacal … and somewhere in here I thought I had a chocolate Slimfast.…

MARK

I’ll have a hazelnut Sustacal and vodka.

In slow motion, WARDEN fills two highball glasses halfway with ice and Stoly, shakes then pops a can of hazelnut Sustacal, shakes and pops a strawberry Ensure, pours simultaneously — a can in each hand — not quite filling the glasses, and then tops off each drink with more vodka, and stirs with New Jersey State Penitentiary at Princeton — Capital Punishment Administrative Segregation Unit swizzle sticks.

As she serves him his drink, she reaches down and gives his dick an affectionate squeeze.

He ejaculates again, this time on the sixteenth-century Kashan silk carpet.

MARK

Sorry. Is that an expensive rug? Will that come out?

WARDEN

Don’t worry about it.

MARK

Can I ask you a stupid question … Have you ever done this before?

WARDEN

(laughing)

I’m thirty-six years old.

MARK

No, I mean like — I know you’ve had sex before — I mean have you ever had sex with someone whose father survived an abortive execution and was then sentenced to NJSDE?

WARDEN

(lighting a cigarette for herself)

Yeah, I have.

MARK

In a prison where you were the warden?

WARDEN

Uh-huh.

MARK

In this office?

WARDEN

Yes, in this office. Does that bother you?

MARK

(hurt, but masking it behind phony truculence)

I don’t give a fuck what you do, as long you do it after hours, on your own time, and not on taxpayer time. The taxpayers of the state of New Jersey pay your salary — don’t you ever forget that! And the taxpayers of this state don’t pay you to suck cock. Just punch out first, bitch.

WARDEN

You’re angry.

MARK

I’m not angry.

MARK chugs entire hazelnut Sustacal and vodka, smashes glass against wall, and then takes a shard of broken glass and carves into his forearm the words “Satan,” “I Love Satan,” “Jews for Satan,” “Satan Rocks My World,” “Hey Satan, You’re So Fine, You’re So Fine You Blow My Mind, Hey Satan!” “Destroying Everything That’s Good and Beautiful Is, Like, Funny;” “Committing Suicide on Your Birthday in Your Parents’ Bed Is Excellent,” “I Support a Woman’s Right to Breed Babies for the Sole Purpose of Ritually Sacrificing and Eating Them,” and “Buy Only Procter & Gamble Products.”

WARDEN

Mark, you’re obviously very angry and very alienated.

MARK

I am not angry, and I am not alienated.

MARK takes pair of Rollerblades, tied together at the laces, from credenza and swings them wildly at the WARDEN’S head.

WARDEN ducks, kicks MARK in the solar plexus, grabs Roller Blades, and — wielding them like nunchakus — twirls them in blurred arcs over her head and behind her back before delivering, in rapid succession, two precise and devastating blows to MARK’s forehead.

Repeat sequence, this time:

REVERSE ANGLE — in slow motion—

WARDEN ducks — kicks MARK in solar plexus — grabs

Roller Blades — twirls them like nunchakus ambidextrously in blurred arcs over her head and behind her back — then delivers two concussive blows to MARK’s forehead.

EXTREME CLOSE-UP of MARK as — in super slow motion — we again see the Roller Blades impact his head, driving it first to the right and then to the left of the frame.

MARK

(before he loses consciousness)

Your in-line kung fu … is very powerful.

FADE TO BLACK

INT. WARDEN’S OFFICE

RACK FOCUS to MARK slumped on couch.

WARDEN is bringing him to with smelling salts.

WE HEAR dark, hip-hop ambient-techno mix of “A Whole New World (Aladdin’s Theme).”

And then, WE HEAR the following original lyrics written and performed by the WARDEN to the melody of “I Will Always Love You” from The Bodyguard .

WARDEN

(gazing into Mark’s eyes,

and singing)

Look, I really don’t understand

Why you’re getting so upset about all this.

It’s been my experience that whenever you

Introduce drugs and alcohol into the workplace,

You end up in sexual situations with people whom

(in all likelihood)

you ordinarily wouldn’t have had sex with …

It’s just human nature.

(Chorus)

And I will always love you.