Mark Leyner - The Sugar Frosted Nutsack

These measures came after bards in southwestern France burned cars and a police station, following the death of a blind, blitzed-out bard who was shot by a husband whose wife had just left him for the bard at a public recitation of The Sugar Frosted Nutsack 2: Crème de la Sack . The jilted husband almost immediately gouged out his own eyes and became a bard. He continuously chanted The Sugar Frosted Nutsack 2: Crème de la Sack (including, of course, this sentence) during his arraignment until the judge threatened him with a laryngectomy.

Bards are also being recalled because of “quality-control problems” (i.e., not blind, vagrant, or drug-addled, lacking chunky chachkas, etc.). Ken Howard, president of the Screen Actors Guild (SAG), said that he “must reassure disappointed aficionados of the epic and persuade them to once again attend public recitations.” Howardsaid that The Sugar Frosted Nutsack 2: Crème de la Sack owed its first responsibility to the unkempt, hairy, sweaty, heavyset, middle-aged women who’d left their husbands for vagrant, drug-addled bards. The Sugar Frosted Nutsack 2: Crème de la Sack has since revamped and centralized its quality-control operations, installing state-of-the-art molybdenum-steel melon ballers for double eye enucleations and a strictly enforced policy of random drug-testing of bards to ensure that they are blind and blitzed-out.

Tuesday: 9:00 PM Eastern

“Vandalizing the Denouement”

XOXOis vandalizing the epic’s denouement, a denouement that’s been foretold and basically guaranteed for thousands of years by blind, blitzed-out bards beating time with their chunky chachkas against jerrycans of orange soda. He’s plying the denouement with drugged sherbet. He’s giving the denouement an enormous military-grade ass-cheese enema.

As anyone with even the faintest familiarity with The Sugar Frosted Nutsack 2: Crème de la Sack knows, Ikeis supposed to make a lewd mandala of Italian breadcrumbs for the Goddess La Felina, and then engage in an extended adagio with the waitress at the Miss America Diner, and write his narcocorrido, “That’s Me ( Ike’s Song).” And then he’s supposed to get high with his daughter’s boyfriend, Vance, and make a list for him called “Ten Gods I’d Fuck (T.G.I.F),” and neglect to include Shanice, which incurs her eternal enmity (FYI: La Felinawas #1 on his list).

And then the scorned Goddess is supposed to wage a vindictive campaign against Ikethat begins with her inducing the zoning board to ban Ike’s latest pornographic monument to La Felina—“a teetering monolith of marzipan.” (“Ike laughs, gathering up his notes and tapping them against the table into a tidy stack: ‘Look, guys…you’re fated to authorize the demolition of my pornographic monument to La Felina. I’m fated to die in the confrontation outside my modest two-story hermitage after performing my narcocorrido with my band, The Kartons. So why don’t we just get this over with?’”)

(But, of course, XOXO—who fucks with your mind, who will discomfit any denouement — is preventing everyone from “just getting this over with.”)

And then Koji Mizokamiis supposed to help Ikeshoplift an Akai MPC drum machine from a Sam Ash on Route 4 in Paramus, New Jersey, and Bosco Hifikepunyebegins supplying Vancewith the hallucinogenic drug Gravy to sell on the street. And La Felinapromises Ikethat before he martyrs himself, she’ll appear to him in human form and fuck him, and she says she’ll get in touch with him on his cellphone and let him know exactly when and where.

And then a God (very possibly Bosco Hifikepunye) is supposed to impregnate Ike’s teenage daughter while Ikeis interviewing for a butcher’s job at Costco. ( Ikesays to the Costco meat department manager re: his relationship with the Goddesses: “I’m just a fantasy they jerk off to.” Explaining a gap in his resume, he says that during Spring Break in 1989 he was hit by a Mister Softee truck, but told police that it was a Hasidic ambulance in an effort to foment an apocalyptic Helter Skelter — type war between club kids and Hasids. And, in response to a question about his “availability,” Iketells him that he can only work for a week because he’s going to be killed on Friday by Mossad sharpshooters.)

Then Ikeis supposed to accidentally kill his father as they wrestle for Ike’s cellphone because Ike’s father is trying to change Ike’s ringtone from “Me So Horny” to John Cage’s 4'33'' —the composer’s notorious “silent composition,” which would almost certainly ensure that Ikemisses La Felina’s call, which, for Ike, is “the booty-call of a lifetime.”

(None of this is going to happen, of course, as anyone with even the faintest familiarity with The Sugar Frosted Nutsack 2: Crème de la Sack knows, because it all has to be set in motion by Ikemaking his list of Ten Gods I’d Fuck (T.G.I.F.) , which XOXOis thwarting in his effort to sabotage the epic.)

And on the morning of his father’s funeral, Ikeis supposed to wake up with an incredibly gross case of conjunctivitis, and then try to pull the pillars of the synagogue down and crush the congregation, and then his daughter is supposed to give birth to a half-divine, half-mortal infant named Colter Dale. (“ Colter Dale’s teenage mom is not even pregnant for two whole days — she got pregnant on Tuesday night and gave birth on Thursday night, about forty hours later. Even hamsters and marsupial cats have longer gestation periods! This preternaturally truncated pregnancy could simply be the result of the exceedingly clever way that episodic reality is edited (see TLC’s I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant and MTV’s Teen Mom ), or it could point to a wider trend that experts are noticing in which very young mothers, after preternaturally truncated pregnancies, are giving birth to precociously mature infants who almost immediately get pregnant or father children themselves, each generation a miniature version of that which preceded them. This is being called The Russian Nesting Doll or Matryoshka Doll Phenomenon . Shorter and shorter gestation periods for pregnant teens who are giving birth to precociously mature infants may not be the result of endocrine-disrupting chemicals like polybrominated biphenyls or phthalates or high-fructose corn syrup or smartphone radiation, as experts have previously proposed, but may actually be caused by military-grade ass-cheese and Gravy leaching into the water supply.”)

And soon after that, the The Kartonsare supposed to begin their “Last Concert” (which is also their first concert). Ike, who has refused to suspend work on his banned monument, his “teetering monolith of marzipan,” wears an impenetrable, bulletproof protective groin cup, fashioned for him by Bosco Hifikepunye, the God of Miscellany (Fibromyalgia, Chicken Tenders, Sports Memorabilia, SteamVac Carpet Cleaners, etc.), at the behest of La Felina. “This is the first single from our new album, Folie à Famille, ” Ikesays in his raspy, almost inaudible whisper. “We call it a ‘narcocorrido’ because it’s about mortal men who traffic in Gravy.” Ike’s daughter plays her bass guitar tuned to cello standard tuning, in intervals of fifths (C — G–D — A) using a banjo string for the high A. She’s recently been seen using a five-string setup, tuned to C — G–D — A–E, with banjo strings for the A and E.