J. Powers - Wheat That Springeth Green

“O.K., Dom. My friend wants in.”

“One g on Gene, eleven and six to five, parlay.”

“Right. Nice talking to you, Dom.”

“Nice talking to you, Father.”

Joe, doing some calculations, found that he stood to win a little better than a third of his assessment. “Sorry,” he said, “to keep you waiting. What is it? Something about the school?”

The young man got up again, though Joe waved him down, and flapped his wallet open for Joe to read.

“George Z. Barnhart,” Joe read, aloud, and asked, “What’s the Z for?”

Mr Barnhart, saying “Mind if I close this?” closed the door between the offices.

Whereupon Joe said, “No, go right ahead,” but couldn’t see that this had any effect on the man, obviously one of the new prehistoric types. “What’s it all about, sir?”

Mr Barnhart had sat down and unzipped his briefcase, from which he took a document. “I am authorized to read you the following regulations. ‘Gonorrhea, syphilis, and chancroid, hereinafter designated venereal diseases, are hereby declared to be contagious, infectious, communicable, and dangerous to the public health. It shall be the duty of every person who makes a diagnosis of, or gives treatment for, a case of gonorrhea, syphilis, or chancroid, to report immediately to the State Board of Health on a form supplied for the purpose, the name and address, age, sex, color, occupation, marital status, and probable source of infection of such diseased person together with such other information as may be required. Local health officers are hereby directed to use every available means to ascertain the existence of, and immediately to investigate, all known or suspected cases of gonorrhea, syphilis, or chancroid, within their respective districts and to ascertain the sources of such infections. In such investigations said health officers are hereby vested with full power of inspection, isolation, or quarantine, and disinfection of all infected persons, places, and things. It shall be a violation of these regulations for any infected person knowingly to expose another person to infection with any of the said venereal diseases or any person knowingly to perform an act which exposes another person to infection with venereal disease. All persons reasonably suspected of having a venereal disease shall submit to an examination as shall be deemed necessary by the State Board of Health, provided that where such examination is of a personal nature it shall be made only by a licensed physician. All persons infected with a venereal disease shall continue under treatment or proper observation until no longer able to transmit the infection. In the case of chancroid this shall be until all ulcerations are completely healed. Whenever a case or suspected case of venereal disease is found on premises used for immoral purposes, or whenever a case of venereal disease is found upon premises where it cannot be properly isolated or controlled, or where the infected person will not consent to removal to a hospital or sanatorium where he or she can be properly isolated or controlled during the period of infectiousness, the health officer or representative of the State Board of Health shall put in a conspicuous place on the entrance to the premises where such venereal disease exists, a notice in words as follows: Warning, Venereal Disease Exists on These Premises, Posted by order of Health Officer (name and date). Such notice shall be printed in black boldface type upon a red card with the words Venereal Disease in letters not less than three inches high.’” Mr Barnhart produced such a red card from his briefcase and flashed it at Joe. “Any questions?”

“Many. If you’re talking about somebody else, why are you talking to me? And if you’re talking about me, what’s it all about?”

“I’m talking about you.”

“You think I have VD?”

“You’re a suspect.”

“And why’s that?”

“Your name came up in connection with another case.”

Joe sniffed. “ Another case, huh?”

“We have to follow all leads.”

“Somebody with VD mentioned me as a likely prospect?”

“Suspect.”

“ Who? ”

“That has to remain confidential. The Board has to protect all cases, or they wouldn’t cooperate. You can understand that.”

“Not quite. What if you’re wrong? What if I’m not ‘another case’?”

“We have to follow all leads. It’s the law. I’m just doing my job.”

Joe sniffed. “I’ll put it another way. What if this is a dirty trick, somebody’s idea of a joke?”

“It’s no joke.”

“I agree. I’ll put it another way. Has the Board ever been sued?”

“Sued?”

“For causing people needless, grievous embarrassment?”

“It can’t be helped.”

“Can’t, huh? Why not write a letter? What’s wrong with that?”

“Some people wouldn’t answer a letter.”

“O.K. Then go and see ’em. Why come out here and throw your weight around? Some people would feel insulted, as I do, but wouldn’t be so polite. The Board could be sued. You could get your ass kicked. I’m surprised it hasn’t happened before now, if it hasn’t.”

“I am authorized to inform you that you are suspected of having a venereal disease, and that you have forty-eight hours to provide the Board with medical proof to the contrary.” Mr Barnhart then got up with his briefcase and left his card on the edge of Joe’s desk. “What’s wrong with your hand?”

“Thumb,” Joe said. “Ulcerations.”

After the young man departed, which he had immediately, without a word, Joe sat on at his desk, wondering Who ?

So that evening, by appointment, Joe visited Dr Wylie. After an X ray was taken of Joe’s thumb — he wouldn’t have to wear the splint but would have to be careful — he stripped down to his shorts and was given a physical.

“That’s it,” Dr Wylie said, blowing smoke in Joe’s face. “Get dressed, for God’s sake.”

“What about VD?”

“What about it?”

“I thought I’d be tested for it.”

“Whyn’t you say so?”

“I thought, the way things are today, it was part of having a physical.”

“You thought wrong. If you’re worried about syph, it’ll show up in your blood test. You worried about clap, or what?”

“No, I just want medical proof that I’m A.O.K.”

“ A.O.K.? You? You want to see A.O.K., look at me .” Dr Wylie, that evening, wore overall cutoffs and cowboy boots (with, Joe thought, elevator heels), and as before was bare above the waist except for his lavaliere.

“I want medical proof I haven’t got VD, in case I decide to become a chaplain.”

“Do that, you should have your head examined.” Dr Wylie kicked a metal stool over to where Joe was standing, and sat down. “O.K., let’s see what you’ve got. Whip it out.”

Joe exposed himself, saying, “If this and the other — the blood test — are negative, would you put it in writing?”

“Sure, for the Commander in Chief. Milk it down.”

Joe did as directed, wondering again, but more poignantly than ever before, who had caused him this needless, grievous embarrassment.

“Again.”

Joe did as directed, wondering again, Who ?

Dr Wylie said, “What you should be worrying about is this corporation of yours. It’ll only get worse, you know. You guys are always going on about the primrose path and the wages of sin. Boy, this is it. Give the horse any thought?”

“Horse? Oh, yes. Some.” Humor the man.

“One more time.”

Joe did as directed.

“Clean as a whistle. Get dressed .” Dr Wylie turned away in disgust and lit a cigarette. “Tell you what. The wife’s home, and she hates the Catholic Church, but we’ll go up to my den and have a few. I’ll show you my horse. Maybe let you try it on walk or canter.”