Moni Mohsin - Duty Free

So I said to him, “What is better than helping people find happiness? I’m better than you who just sits and rats and raves about the world’s problems. And, besides, it is a duty of all Muslims to help others find happiness. Ever since ancient times in Mecca good Muslims have been doing it.”

“And ever since ancient times good Muslims in Mecca have also been riding on camels,” said that traitor Kulchoo, who was also sitting there. Father and son laughed like hyenas and said maybe I should sell my air-conditioned Toyota and buy a camel. To be like good Muslim of ancient times.

And then I said loudly, “Listen to me, Sheikh Ilyas and Farva are seedha-saadha , honest—”

“Sheikh Ilyas, did you say?” said Janoo. “The Sheikh Ilyas of the betting syndicate and gold-smuggling ring? The same Sheikh Ilyas who, a couple of years back, when things got too hot for him, took off for Dubai for several months? That one? I wouldn’t be surprised if he’s wanted by the law-enforcing agencies of several countries. No wonder he’s ready to bestow the London flat on Jonkers. He probably can’t go near it himself.”

For two full minutes, I tau passed away in shock. Look at Mulloo. Doing this to us. She’s always been so greedy. Thanks God I found out in time. But between you, me, and the four walls, I tau immediately knew Farva and all were bad news the second I slapped eyes on them. First expressions are always right.

“So, Mum, when can we meet our new smuggler cousins-in-law?” asked Kulchoo. “Do they have four-wheel drives with smoky windows? And a white house? With white columns and a dome? And barbed wire and spiky glass on their walls?”

“Ask her if Sheikh Saab has gold teeth,” whispered Janoo to Kulchoo, plodding him on. “And if the wife wears a gold bullet in her navel.”

“Shut up, you two. And for your information I didn’t meet Sheikh Saab. He wasn’t there.”

“So the rest is all true? The white house, the four-wheelers, the—”

“I’m not talking to you both time-wasters,” I said and pounced out of the room, with my nose in the air. Even after I’d shut the door, I could hear their laughter down the corridor. Stuppids.

Thanks God I’ve finally found a new maidservant. Her name is Ameena. I stole her from Faiza. I knew that Faiza gave her eight thou a month so I offered her five hundred more (I sent her a message through Faiza’s driver who is a cousin of our driver, Muhammad Hussain) and so she immediately dropped Faiza and she came. Just look at these people. They don’t even have this much of loyalty.

Nice thing about her is that she’s all trained and everything. Knows which clothes have to be hung and which folded. Which shoes go with which clothes and so on and so fourth. Basically, she knows how to talk, how to walk, how to be. Isn’t a stuppid, illitred villager. So I won’t have to kill my brains teaching her everything from snatch.

I called Mummy and told her that I’d got a new maid to replace that she-snake, Jameela.

“See, I told you Allah takes with one hand and gives with the other. Name?” asked Mummy.

“Well, Mummy, you know He has ninety-nine names. Which one do you—?”

“No, no, the maid. The maid’s name.”

“Oh, her . Her name’s Ameena.”

“She can’t be called Ameena.”

“She is called Ameena.”

“Well, she can’t stay Ameena. You know Ameena was my aunt’s name. My father’s only sister. Change her name. Call her Shameem or Naseem or whatever. But I won’t have a servant in your house called by my aunt’s name. It’s rude to my aunt’s memory.”

So I called in Ameena, sorry, Shameem and said, “From now your name is Shameem.”

“But my name’s Ameena.”

“Listen, I give you eight thou five hundred. Your name is Shameem.”

Ameena’s cheeks blew up for a bit after that. But I think so she’ll get used to. She’d better.

Then I said, “I haven’t done your interview.”

Just then Jonkers called me on the phone.

“Apa, may I speak to you?” he asked.

“Whenever you want, Jonkers. Except now. I’m in middle of an interview.” And I put the phone down.

So Am — Shameem said that I’d been seeing her for the last four years whenever I went to Faiza’s place. I must be knowing her by now. I told her that seeing was all very well but still there were some things I needed to know about her. So she said what did I want to know. I asked her if she knew any foreigners. She looked a bit surprised but she said no. Next I asked her if she had any rellies working in Abu Dhabi or Dubai or Oman or Saudi or any of those sandy-type places. Again she looked taken back and asked why I wanted to know but I said, “You just answer, ji.” She said her cousin had once gone to work on a construction sight in Dubai but he’d died there in an accident and after that no one had gone from her family.

“Very good,” I said. “And now tell me, is your mother alive?”

“No, she died three years ago.”

“She’s not likely to die again, is she?”

Now she looked at me as if I’d really gone crack. But I damn care. I’m not getting stabbed in the back again by a sharpie maid.

Just as I finished my interview Kulchoo came in, all sweaty and red as a tomato in the face.

“ Hai Allah! What’s happened to you?” I said. “Are you having a heart attack?” Mummy told me you sweat a lot when you have a heart attack. “Ameena, I mean, Shameem, go quickly and call Muhammad Hussain to the car. I’m taking Kulchoo Saab to the hospital.” And I grabbed my bag and stood up.

“Mum, I’ve just done three laps of the park,” panted Kulchoo. “I need a cold drink, not a stretcher.”

Oh thanks God! Honestly, the sooner Jonkers gets married the better. Otherwise tau my nerves will shatter.

Today there was a knock on my bedroom door and when I said come in, who should come in but all the servants: cook, bearer, sweeper, gardener, my driver, Janoo’s driver, Kulchoo’s driver, guards, maid. They all came in a group to say that they wanted a raise in their pay.

“ Haw , why?” I asked.

“Because price of sugar has gone so high and we can’t afford.”

“So who’s asked you to eat so much sugar? It’s bad for your teeth. You should hear my dentist. He’s forbidden Kulchoo from drinking sugary drinks. Coke tau is a total no-no. You know how many teaspoons of sugar it has? Ten. Ji haan . Ten. I’m telling you, you don’t want to pay thousands and thousands to fill cavities. Besides, also, you’ll get diebetees. And sugar puts on weight. Ask me, it’s been a year and I’m still trying to get rid of those five pounds I put on from eating all those ice creams and chocolate cakes in America last year.”

They all looked at each other and then Muhammad Hussain who’s been with us the longest said, “Bibi, sugar is the worst but prices have become too much in everything— daal , rice, atta , electricity, gas, petrol. We won’t be able to pay our children’s school fees if you don’t give us a raise.”

“So put them inside my husband’s school, it’s free.”

“My village is two hundred miles away from Saab’s village,” said the cook.

I don’t know why these people can’t move. I’d go tomorrow to Dubai if you sent me. I think so they have no spirit of adventure.