Pearl Buck - Patriot

“From the bank?” she exclaimed.

“Yes,” I-wan said. “Why do you hate him so much?”

“I can’t tell you,” she said. “I don’t want to tell you. You can’t imagine how hard it has been to be a slave in this house — with I-ko growing up — and always at home — not away at school.”

She turned her head away.

“You haven’t been treated as a slave,” I-wan said.

“You don’t know!” she cried with passion. “You don’t know anything about me!”

And to his astonishment she put her face in her hands and began to weep in great loud sobs.

He stood helpless, watching her.

“Don’t cry, Peony,” he said, “I beg you not to cry.”

But she cried through her sobs, “I have been only a slave — an old woman telling me to do this and to do that — getting me up in the night to rub her old sticks of legs, and to make her opium ready. I’m so sick of that smell—”

“Do you hate that smell, too?” he asked.

“Yes,” she sobbed. “I run into my room so sick — but I have to come back again to it — and your mother at me—”

“Why?” I-wan asked. He began to see a whole life going on in this house of which he had not been aware.

Peony stopped crying. “Because of I-ko,” she said in a low angry voice. “She says I must do what I-ko wants — who am I, she says, but a slave?”

“My mother said that?” I-wan stared at her and felt his heart begin to thump in a slow thick beat.

She nodded.

“But you haven’t?” I-wan demanded.

She shook her head.

“I’ve thought of eating some of the opium and killing myself,” she said. “I’ve often thought of it. Because what have I to live for, I-wan? I’m not a servant, to be happy among servants. I’ve been taught to be something more — but still not enough to be free. I suppose you think I ought to be grateful your mother let me learn to read and write when you did. I used to be grateful, but I’m not now. I wish I had been left ignorant if I am not to — be any better than this. Then I could have married — someone lowly — and been content. It’s so wrong!” she cried. “It’s so wicked to let people know there are good things in life and then deny them!”

He could not say a word. Peony had been living like this for years and he did not know it! He thought she was happy and well-treated. That she had to serve them was only, he had thought, what she should do in return. But now he saw what she meant. She was not free. This house where she had plenty to eat and silk robes to wear was still only a prison. He thought, “She needs the revolution, too, to set her free.”

In that moment he made up his mind that he would tell Peony everything.

“Peony—” he began. His heart was beating like a clock now, very fast.

She looked at him.

“I want to tell you something,” he went on.

“Yes?” she asked. “What is it?”

“Peony, have you ever heard of the revolution?”

“Of course I have,” she said. “It’s not a good thing. I’ve heard your father talk about it. He said revolutionists are like bandits.”

“No, they’re not!” he exclaimed.

“How do you know?” she asked.

Now he would tell her, straight out.

“Because I am one of them.”

They looked at each other, and neither moved.

“I-wan!” she whispered.

He nodded.

“If your father knew! He would think you were more wicked than I-ko!”

This struck him. “I believe he would,” he agreed.

“You must never tell him,” she exclaimed. “Oh, I wish you hadn’t told me! I feel as if you had put your life into my hands. I-wan, you will be killed! Why did you?”

And then he began to tell her everything, how in books he first discovered that men’s minds had thought and dreamed of a new world. He told her of En-lan and of the band and of the mills. She listened to everything without a movement or a word. And he talked to her as he had never talked to anyone, not even to En-lan, because he had no shyness before Peony. But the strange thing was that he spoke not only to her but to himself. He was giving shape as he talked to all his faith in what was to come, and to all his hope of it.

“When is all this to happen?” Peony interrupted him.

“Soon,” he whispered, “as soon as Chiang Kai-shek comes.”

She stared at him a moment. Then she shrugged her shoulders.

“I don’t believe it,” she declared.

“You don’t believe — Peony!” he cried. “I tell you it’s true.”

“I know you think it’s true,” she retorted, “but you’re only a boy. I don’t believe people will do things for other people for nothing. And all your revolutionists — what are they but people like everybody else?”

“You don’t know them,” he insisted. “You’ve only known people like — like my family. Naturally you think everybody is selfish. But that’s because they’re capitalists.”

“I don’t know what you mean by capitalists,” she said, pouting. “I know this, though, that when people have money they don’t mind giving some of it away, but whoever heard of poor people being unselfish? They want everything then for themselves.”

“But you don’t understand,” he cried at her. “There won’t be any rich and poor!”

“Oh, don’t be silly!” she answered.

He was so angry with her he wanted to slap her cheek.

“I wish I hadn’t told you,” he said shortly. “I told you to make you happy — and let you know soon you will be free. There won’t be any slaves after Chiang Kai-shek comes.”

“Oh, him!” she said, and laughed. “He’s only a man, isn’t he?” Then she was sad again. “No,” she went on, “where would I go if I were free? I don’t know anything except this house. Where could I find shelter? No, if I have been born to be a slave, I am a slave.”

It was the old hopelessness of the mill workers, coming from Peony’s red lips as she sat, a little satin-clothed figure, there in his chair. Her pretty hands with jade and gold rings were playing with the things on his desk. Was all the world hopeless except himself and those like him? He was clouded with a sort of sadness, watching her hands. It came to him again that there was more to all this revolution than merely feeding and clothing the poor. There was much more. What answer, for instance, could he give to Peony, when she asked him where she would find shelter if she were free? He could not say because he did not know.

“I suppose,” he said aloud, hesitating, “that food will be given to everyone somehow. Certainly in the revolution no one will be allowed to starve. Things have to be organized, of course.”

She did not answer. When she spoke again he was not in the least prepared for what she said. She looked up brightly, as though she had forgotten herself, and she said, her voice cosy and warm and full of interest, “Tell me about that En-lan — is he handsome?”

He was too disgusted to answer. To think of En-lan thus was to insult him. Girls — why did anyone think a girl could hold anything in her mind? Peony was not fit for revolution. She was as she said, born to be a slave — thinking about nothing but—

“I don’t know,” he answered curtly. He got up suddenly. “I want to sleep, Peony. It must be nearly dawn.”

She rose, hiding a small graceful yawn behind the back of her hand, her painted rosy palm turned outward. She had not understood the importance of anything he had told her. And it was true that he had put his life in her hands.

But she leaned forward and touched his cheek with her finger.

“Don’t think I shall forget what you have said,” she told him. “I never forget anything you ever say. I lock it all up in me and take it out only when I am alone, to see and to think about. It’s all I have — Oh, but, I-wan, you won’t let them catch you!” She locked her hands together tightly.