Akhil Sharma - An Obedient Father

TEN

K

month later, I returned from work one evening. It was February and the sun had already set. There was a garbage heap smoldering outside the compound. I walked through the smoke into the courtyard. There were children playing cricket against a wall, with wickets drawn with coal.

My memory dawdles.

Asha was not waiting on the gallery. I did not notice this then.

My eyes and nose were burning from the smoke. I entered the flat. I

crossed Anita and Asha's bedroom. I walked into the common room.

Anita was on the balcony looking at the sky. She entered the

common room, her arms wrapped around herself

"Where did you go for lunch?"

I had eaten with Asha. Because I had rehearsed explanations for

this confrontion many times, I even felt falsely accused. I had never touched Asha. "I've done nothing."

"I know. I looked. I would have taken her to a doctor." Anita was swaying back and forth slightly.

"I went to her school once for work and her principal told me that Asha cries all the time in class. I began going to see her. I wanted to help. I used to cry like that after Ma died." I started feeling fear.

"Be quiet," she shouted, and waved her hand in front of me as if saying goodbye.

"I visit her sometimes during lunch and talk. Only in a restaurant."

"How many times have you done this?"

I hesitated. "Often. There are always people around. Some of Asha's school friends even come with us and I buy them cold drinks." I stepped forward and Anita moved back. She looked ready to run away. All my explanations were coming out as I had practiced them in my head, but the extent of Anita's fear and anger made them unconvincing even to me. "I would never do anything."

"You did it to me. It was impossible then also."

This was the part I found most difficult to explain in the imaginary conversations I had conducted. "If I were still like that, I would have done something with all the chances I've had." I took off my short-sleeved sweater. I sat down on one of the chairs and sighed. I should have begged.

"Here you have raped your daughter till she bled. And then here you are with your granddaughter, rubbing yourself against her like she's a pillow. You wait twenty years between the two as if nothing has happened. People stop smoking for a decade and then start at a party." I had, of course, thought that perhaps Asha was safe with me only because my disease was latent. Anita held up a hand with the palm facing up, and then turned it down. "Who would trust you with a paisa?"

"I could already have done something if I was going to."

"I don't want explanations," she interrupted. "Look at what you've done to me," she said, and touched her throat.

I took off one shoe, as if continuing the daily routine of returning from work would make things normal. I was going to say I loved Asha, but stopped. "I am different."

"You were different, weren't you, when after twenty-some years you rubbed against Asha?" There was no answer to this.

"I'll give you more money."

"People don't change."

I had not started visiting prostitutes after going into Lakshmi's room. "People do."

Asha, attracted by our voices, came down the ladder onto the balcony. She looked tired. "What are you doing?" Anita shouted. Asha's face was so still it appeared tiny. "Upstairs!" Asha raced to the roof

I took off my other shoe. For me bare feet are always about to step on glass or nails. "Anita, watch me. Guard me. I'll be your prisoner. I won't be able to do a thing."

"I already thought you were my prisoner."

"Ask Asha every day whether I've seen her or talked to her."

"You might get her to lie."

"I don't know what else can be done."

"Neither do I." She was silent and then said, "Why don't you die?" She asked this and slumped. "I hate you. Even if there were no Asha, I would hate you."

We were silent for a long time. The sky lost its blue and became black. There were the noises of the squatters, the crank of a hand pump, and a man complaining loudly about something. Anita's eyes never left me.

Suddenly she said, "I am going to tell everyone. I want everyone to watch you. I am going to tell Mr. Mishra. I am going to tell all our relatives, the neighbors. I want everyone to help me watch you."

I didn't believe she could do it, but I said, "Don't do that."

"What else can I do?"

"You're not angry because of Asha. You're angry because of what I did to you. Nothing can be done about what's happened."

"Ha!" Anita shouted.

We Stared at each other. Finally, she left and went up to the roof. Anita and Asha did not come down till the morning.

While Asha bathed, I left my room and came out into the common room. Anita, standing near the kitchen, said, "I am going to tell everyone." Now I believed her. She wore the same sari as last night. Instead of fear I felt sadness. How could my world end like this? We were standing on opposite ends of the room.

"If you do, I won't let you live here. If you do, I won't give you a paisa." My voice quavered.

Anita leaned forward with her shoulders, though she stayed where she was. "I can live somewhere else."

"Where? Who wants you? Who wants Asha? You're stupid if you think they do." I sounded pleading instead of angry and threatening as I wanted to.

A tap which had been splashing in a full bucket now began ringing in an empty one. Because Asha bathed with only one bucket, this meant she would be coming out soon.

Anita left the common room and went into the living room. I followed. "I'll change my will. When I die, which will be soon, you won't get the flat." The windows were closed and the light was slate. Anita went near the windows. I kept several meters away

"I'll put you in jail."

"The police do nothing without money."

I remembered when she demanded I confess, and I shut the windows to muffle her screams.

"I am going to tell Asha when she comes out of her bath."

"We just left the common room, so Asha wouldn't hear."

"So?"

"Who will take you in? Your mother-in-law? If she learns what I did, she'll think Rajinder was cheated and married a whore."

"I have jewelry."

"You had jewelry before." I knew from this bad answer that Anita must realize her few options. "How much is gold selling for?"

"Enough."

"You'll have to stay here. And you know me. I'm shameless. Once your threat of revealing is gone, then what check will you have over me? As long as you have the threat, I'm stopped. Once the threat is gone. ."I put my hands in my pockets, because they were trembling, and then I jiggled them to suggest sex.

Anita looked at me with disgust and anger for a moment and then walked past me into the common room. She returned almost immediately with Asha. She was cupping the back of Asha's head with one hand and pulling her forward. "Sit," she said, and moved Asha onto a love seat. Asha was wearing her school uniform. Anita sat down beside her.

"Your grandfather wants to touch you here." Anita put her hand on Asha's crotch over her skirt. Asha had no reaction to this. She turned her head in my direction. "Do you want to show her how you touched me?"

"No," I said. I thought that this was so strange, so unbelievable, that it would not be possible to remember it tomorrow. Then I wanted to sob, because this was the end of my life. "What's the good?"

"I want her to know what happened to me," Anita cried gleefully.

"Because it will make things different?"

"For me it will."

Anita gently pressed Asha back in the love seat. She put her hand under Asha's skirt and repeated, "He wants to touch you here. Then he wants to take out his thing. The thing boys have. A penis." Asha kept staring emotionlessly "He wants to put his thing in you, from where you pee, even though it will hurt very much if he does. It will make you bleed."