Peter Stamm - All Days Are Night

Jill pulled the covers over their heads, and they waited breathlessly for the voices to go away. Then they stood up, crept back into the dressing room, and quickly put on their clothes.

Their having slept together changed their lives less than Jill had expected, it was as though the nights were a different world into which they dived together. The next morning Jill had only a dreamy recollection of the night just past. When they made love, Hubert always wanted to leave the light on. He didn’t take his eyes off her when she got undressed. His hands went all over her body. Sometimes he got up to look at her from a distance, or he would bend her knees and spread her legs like a doctor checking the flexibility of a joint, until, half laughing, half irritably, she would grab him by the hair and pull him to her and kiss him. His kisses were chaste like a child’s, as if he were far away and unattainable. He moved and swung her around like an object. Sometimes she had to tell him not to be rough with her. The nicest moments were when they lay there side by side, touching each other abstractedly. Once she asked him if he had found her desirable when he painted her back then.

Of course I did, he said, maybe that’s why I didn’t succeed in painting you.

And now? she asked.

Why should I paint you? You’re here.

A few days later he asked if it would bother her if Lukas came up here on vacation. Jill didn’t know what to say, the idea made her a little bit nervous.

Astrid would bring him, he said.

Does she know about me? asked Jill.

Yes, he said, but not that we knew each other before.

Hubert and Jill drove down to the station to collect Lukas.

You didn’t say she was bringing her boyfriend, said Jill.

That’s because I didn’t know, said Hubert angrily, and went off to welcome Astrid, Lukas, and Rolf.

During the ride back there was silence. Only Astrid made an effort at conversation. She talked to Hubert as to an invalid, praised the beauty of the scenery and the weather as though they were all his doing. She made no mention of their last visit. While Astrid spoke, she leaned forward. Rolf and Lukas clowned around behind Astrid’s back. Jill parked outside the house.

Come on, said Hubert to Lukas, I’ll show you your room.

The two of them disappeared upstairs. Astrid and Rolf followed Jill.

Why don’t we sit outside for a bit?

Astrid asked what work Jill did.

I’m in charge of entertainment in the vacation club next to the cultural center.

Astrid asked what that involved, but her interest didn’t seem very deep. I’ve never gone to such a club, what kind of people take their holidays like that?

Rolf said he had gone to a club once when he was a young man. Loads of singles, and a party every night. Fun, I suppose.

People who don’t know what to do with themselves, said Astrid.

For a moment, Jill felt sorry for Rolf.

In our club we mostly get families with children, she said. Recently, Hubert’s started giving painting classes there.

Oh! said Astrid, apparently genuinely taken aback.

There was silence. Astrid stretched out and sighed, as though to prove that she felt at ease. After a while, Hubert and Lukas came out of the house holding hands.

What train were you going to take? asked Hubert.

I haven’t picked one yet, said Astrid.

The trains always leave at twenty of, said Hubert, if we hurry, you can be on the next one.

Shouldn’t we take a little walk? asked Astrid. Seeing as we’ve come all the way up here.

Rolf pulled a map out of his rucksack and said he had seen there was a power place very close by, he wouldn’t mind seeing that. Hubert rolled his eyes, but Jill said that was a good idea.

You don’t believe in that flummery, do you? asked Hubert.

It’s nothing you have to believe in, said Rolf. Most of those places are just very beautiful and have a special resonance.

They walked along the road for a while, then followed a narrow path into a small dip and then up a slope. There, surrounded by a wooden fence, was a large boulder exhibiting many small indentations.

That’s a stone with cup and ring marks, said Rolf, you find them all over Europe. Presumably they were prepared by Bronze Age people for purposes of worship. Look, here’s a zodiac.

And there was a wheel with spokes etched into the stone, though, admittedly, it didn’t look terribly ancient. Jill traced it with her finger. Rolf silently contemplated the stone.

Well, feel anything? asked Hubert with a grin.

Take your time, said Rolf amiably enough. You need to find a silent place in your thoughts. You won’t see your reflection in a rapidly flowing stream.

While Rolf was inspecting the rock, Astrid stood silently by. She seemed to be thinking about something. Lukas had run farther on up the slope. There were a few stunted birches up there. He had sat in the grass and was looking down at the grown-ups. Jill wondered what the little boy made of them. When she’d been a girl she had known power places long before she had understood what they were, places she had withdrawn to, that had a significance for her that no one outside could grasp.

It’s all about creating a hierarchy of space, said Rolf to Hubert — surely that’s what you do as an artist, isn’t it?

On their way back, Astrid involved Jill in a conversation, and they walked so slowly that the two men were away off by themselves in no time. Lukas kept running back and forth between the two couples, till Astrid told him to stay with them. Rolf and his father had something to discuss. When they caught up to the men outside the house, Jill looked questioningly at Hubert. Then Rolf and Astrid said goodbye to Lukas, and Hubert drove them to the station.

Jill suggested a game to the boy, or offered to read him a story, but he shook his head and disappeared inside. When Hubert returned, she asked him what Rolf had had to discuss with him.

Search me, said Hubert. It was something about reconciliation. I told him I couldn’t see us getting reconciled as I didn’t have a problem with him. Then we talked about Astrid. I wonder how much longer they’ll be together.

She sounded me out, said Jill. She wanted to know how long we’ve been together and how we got to know each other, all those sorts of things. I almost had the sense she was jealous.

Of course she’s jealous, said Hubert. What did you tell her?

That you’re happy, said Jill.

The two weeks with Lukas went by quickly. Jill was amazed how much time Hubert had for the boy. Often they went hiking, or in the evening they told her how they had spent the whole day damming a mountain stream or clambering around on some rocks. Sometimes they came into the club and visited her in her office or swam in the pool. When Hubert was teaching his course, Lukas played with the visiting children. As the only Swiss kid, he was quite a hit with his funny accent. On days that Jill had off, they went on trips together. Lately, there had been some sightings of the bear that was supposed to be in the area. Lukas often asked about it, he seemed to be at once afraid of it and fascinated by it. Every time he heard something rustle, the boy asked if it was the bear.

Sure, said Hubert, he’s coming after us.

Don’t frighten him, said Jill.

Lukas only calmed down once they were above the tree line. While Hubert and Lukas went scrambling over the rocks, Jill dropped off to sleep. When she opened her eyes, the sky overhead seemed almost black, although the sun was still shining. There was no sign of Hubert or Lukas, only sometimes she heard a laugh or shout in the distance. It seemed to her as though her accident had never happened. She was married with a child and had a perfectly normal life, like everyone else. The past years were an illusion, the life of somebody else.