Peter Stamm - On A Day Like This

“Can you understand how I might feel used?”

“I might as well say I’ve been used by you.”

She laughed, a cackling sort of laugh, bewildered, not malicious.

“If you want to feel like a victim,” said Andreas, “fine by me. Just go.”

Delphine turned the light on and furiously got dressed. She stuffed her things in the sports bag.

When she was gone, Andreas showered and got dressed. Even though he’d drunk a lot of wine, he felt clear-headed. He felt like a secret agent, carrying out a plan that no one besides him knew. He looked at the clock. It was a little after midnight. He thought of giving Nadia a call, but then he had another idea.

He walked quickly, and was rather out of breath as he stood outside Nadia’s house, twenty minutes later. He rang the bell. It took a long time until he heard her voice on the intercom. She sounded tired.

“Can I come up?” he asked.

“Are you mad? It’s … Do you know what time it is?”

“Half past midnight,” said Andreas. “I wanted to say good-bye.”

“I thought you were already on vacation.”

“I’m not going anywhere. I’m leaving Paris.”

There was a click on the intercom. The lock buzzed.

The front door of the apartment was open. Just coming, called Nadia from the bathroom. Andreas hadn’t often been here. He went into the kitchen. The sink was full of dirty dishes, on the table was an empty wine bottle and a couple of glasses. In the fridge, Andreas found an almost empty bottle of champagne, with a silver spoon in its neck. He looked around for a clean glass. He didn’t find one, and finally just tipped the end of the bottle into a teacup. When he threw the bottle in the trash, he saw some Chinese takeout containers on top. In a little cardboard box that had a few dried scraps of rice in it lay a used condom.

The living room was a mess as well. Books, magazines, and clothes were scattered on the floor. On the sofa was a brimming ashtray that fell on the ground when Andreas sat down. He stood up again, and went into the corridor.

After a while, Nadia came out of the bathroom. She was wearing her nightdress with a loose robe thrown over it. She had put on makeup and done her hair.

“An unexpected visitor,” she said and smiled, a mixture of uncertain and offended. She seemed not yet to have made up her mind how she was going to respond to him.

“I should have called,” said Andreas. “I didn’t know it was someone else’s turn today.”

“I had a visitor. An old girlfriend.”

Andreas said he hadn’t come to check up on her. He didn’t care who she slept with. He had spent the evening with someone else too. Nadia said she wasn’t interested. She said she’d had enough of him. He used her like a prostitute. She didn’t want to see him anymore.

“I came to say good-bye to you,” said Andreas.

Nadia told him not to act so sensitive. It was nothing to do with her, said Andreas, he was leaving Paris. Nadia sighed and said, if he must know, her ex-husband had been around.

“Your horrible ex,” said Andreas. “You’ve been seeing him the whole time, haven’t you?”

That was none of his business, said Nadia. Why shouldn’t she, anyway. They were both free to do as they pleased. She and her husband got along better now than before their separation.

“But who will you go to to complain about him when I’m gone?” asked Andreas. “Oh, you’ll find someone soon enough. Or I can put you onto someone, a friend of mine. Do you want his number?”

“Bastard,” said Nadia icily.

“I’ll miss you,” said Andreas. “I always used to feel so alone when I was with you.”

“You’re always alone, no matter who’s with you,” said Nadia.

The next day Andreas got up early. He had left the windows open all night, and the apartment felt chilly. He had a violent coughing fit. He felt a little ashamed of the way he had behaved with Nadia and Delphine. He was surprised at the malevolence there had been in him. But what was done was done. They would get over it. At least they wouldn’t miss him.

After breakfast, he wrote a letter to the school administration, handing in his notice. He wasn’t sure how long the notice period was, but he didn’t care. If I’m not there anymore, I’m not there, he thought. Then he went to the realtor who had sold him the apartment ten years before. The realtor remembered the apartment, or claimed to. He said Andreas probably stood to get twice what he had paid then, even though it was tricky selling an apartment in the middle of summer. Andreas said the price was not so important, the main thing was getting the apartment off his hands. He was going to Brittany for a few days. The realtor gave him a form to fill out, and promised to do his best. Andreas gave him a key.

At noon, he called Sylvie at home. Her husband picked up. Andreas asked him to tell his wife he couldn’t make this afternoon. In fact, he wouldn’t see her again, ever.

“Who is this?” asked Sylvie’s husband.

“Well, put it this way, I’m not her hairdresser,” said Andreas, and hung up.

In the afternoon, his mobile rang. When he saw Sylvie’s number flash up, he decided not to answer. She left him a message saying, had he taken leave of his senses? He knew he couldn’t call her at home. It had taken her half an hour to calm her husband. And what did he mean, he couldn’t see her again? Her voice sounded equally amused and annoyed. What a great woman, thought Andreas, she won’t have any trouble finding someone for her afternoons.

The journey to Brittany was ghastly. Every last seat was taken on the train. There weren’t any smoking compartments, and only in Rennes did they stop long enough for him to get out and smoke a cigarette. The platform was full of people greedily smoking, listening nervously for loudspeaker announcements, and looking up at the clock.

Andreas arrived in Brest a little before half past nine at night. It was still light. No sooner had he got out than he lit a cigarette. Jean-Marc was waiting for him at the end of the platform. They shook hands.

“Finish your cigarette,” said Jean-Marc. “Are you hungry? We’ve eaten already. We had to put the children to bed.”

Andreas said he had eaten a sandwich on the train. Jean-Marc offered to carry his bag. Andreas declined. He wasn’t that ill, he said.

“Are you ill?”

“Just an irritating cough. It’s nothing really.”

The drive to Lanveoc took an hour. It was a winding road, and Andreas had to concentrate so that he didn’t feel sick.

“Is the sea warm?” he asked.

“Warm enough,” said Jean-Marc. “We’ve been swimming every day we’ve been here. Only Marthe doesn’t go in the water. For her, it has to be twenty-five degrees.”

Andreas thought of Marthe as a typical Parisian. She was interested in culture, read a lot, and went to exhibitions and classical concerts. She was slim and seemed taller than she was. She wore elegant but practical clothes, and had dyed her hair, which she wore in a bob, for as long as he’d known her. He often asked himself what she saw in Jean-Marc. It was hardly possible for two people to be more different. In spite of that, they seemed to get along pretty well. Sometimes Andreas envied them their life, which seemed to be so straightforward. When Jean-Marc talked about the children, clamoring for new running shoes or clothes like the clothes their friends had. When he planned his vacation and dragged back piles of brochures for holiday cottages that all looked the same. Was there money for a new car? Maybe next year. Or they might do it on installments. He comparison shopped for weeks, poring over technical data and prices. Once, Jean-Marc had entered a marathon. The preparations for that took up six months. He managed to finish in the first third, and told everyone about it with such childish pride that no one could be offended. Andreas pictured Jean-Marc and Marthe sitting at home in their living room, calculating, planning their vacation, watching TV. How easily they laughed, as they told each other the most ordinary things. Even when they complained, they did it laughingly, as if it was all a joke.