Rick Moody - The Diviners

“Maybe it’s not an isolated case.”

“I’m aware of that.”

“What do you want me to say?”

“Well,” she says, and appears to ruminate. “I guess I want apologies that last for days at a time, and I want them in the press. I want your apology to be as public as your bullshit has been.”

“How?”

“You can go to the window right now and shout out of it. Or you can call the papers. You can call the papers and pretend to be an anonymous source. Or you can call your publicist or you can call your agent, and you can have them issue a statement. Or you can write a press release where you list all the movies you’ve made before going on to talk about what a wretched philandering fuck you are, and how you have arrived at this amazing decision about the spiritual value of telling the truth for a change, even though you’re a philanderer. But whatever you decide to do, you’ll have to do it by yourself, because I’m going across town to stay with my parents. I don’t want to have to feel like all I do is harass you about this stuff. I don’t want to be that person. So I’m going to stay with my parents, and you can begin the publicity campaign to save your marriage, and then you can go to sex-addiction rehabilitation or whatever else your team of psychiatrists advises, and we can meet each other at marriage counseling and discuss it there, and that’s the way it will go for a few months. You can do it my way, I mean, unless you want my lawyer to contact yours.”

Now she’s standing, hands on hips.

When she’s gone, it’s as if she wasn’t there at all, as if the conversation never took place. It’s all silences again, inhuman interior decorating, after-loneliness, and he can do what he wants. He can go play a computer game, or he can do some sun salutations, or he can go looking for hotties on the Web. He can call Annabel. Or he can feel this burning sensation. The burning sensation wants him to act, even if he doesn’t want to act. There are remedial steps in human behavior, and these could be first. He could change the sheets. In the master bedroom. There’s a woman who comes once a week to do the cleaning, but it suddenly feels as though changing the sheets will ensure a really good night’s sleep. Changing the sheets will muffle the burning sensation. It has been years since he changed his own set of sheets. So this is medicinal, going into the closet where Sabrina, his wife, has stacked up the sheets just so, and he takes a pale blue top sheet and a pale blue fitted sheet, king size, a couple of pillowcases, really high thread count, or so Sabrina has told him. He goes into the master bedroom and rips the bedclothes from the bed and makes a tangle of them on the floor of the bedroom, and then he falls into this tangle, facedown. When he gets up, he will start to do something, maybe write that miniseries. Yeah, he’ll write.

The consultant from Poseidon Management Systems is backlit at the front of the conference room, a windowless inner sanctum. La Casa Grande, an exclusive West Coast convention center, San Diego. Wearing a polo shirt and pleated slacks, sporting an unmistakable rub-on tan, gesturing at the projection above, the consultant begins his song of bulleted points.

The company is Universal Beverages Corporation. The product is quality. The theme of the conference is Growing Quality. Across diverse product lines, Universal Beverages makes and sells quality to a considerable portion of the consumers in this country and the world. The product lines are: alcoholic beverages, snack foods, television broadcasting, film production and marketing, and, the newest line of business, interstate mortuary services.

The goal of the three-day off-site management conference, here at La Casa Grande, will be creating synergies between the divisions so that the Universal Beverages Corporation can increase market share and Grow Quality. And the company will Grow Quality because quality is like small potted cacti, which are to be given gratis to each and every conference participant to take back to his or her office, where he or she will Grow Quality, symbolized by these thriving and persistent cacti. Growing Quality is not an easy strategy. It depends on fundamentals: a healthy seedling, abundant sunlight, water, fertilizer, and excellence. The Poseidon Management Systems team will be here, during the off-site, to help the employees of Universal Beverages find analogies for sunlight, water, fertilizer, and excellence in the rough-and-tumble worlds of entertainment, comestibles, and mortality. Tactics such as team building, creative innovation, and sales maximization will be explored over three days in the spirit of Growing Quality. Quality assurance, quality control, quality innovation, quality as expressed in synergy and cross-marketing opportunities, quality in human resources. These are the watchwords of the conference.

Which indicates to Jeffrey Maiser, head of network programming at UBC, that the stock has fallen off the edge of the earth. Like he doesn’t know already. Like he doesn’t know about the condition of his options. Like he doesn’t know about trending downward, 11 percent, since the high in March. Like he doesn’t know that the guys at the top of the Universal Beverages pyramid are not happy about the studio, with its recent shutout at the Oscars, and the television subsidiary and its grim efforts during the ratings sweepstakes. Like they don’t call him several times a week, threatening him. Just as he has called the news and sports divisions and demanded that they meet their targets for the quarter or else contact their headhunters.

The moderator introduces Ibn Al-Hassad for the morning session. Al-Hassad got his start during the Human Potential Movement. He’s a veteran of Alan Watts’s seminars and an expert in the art of archery. He’s a protégé of Abraham Maslow, Fritz Perls, et cetera. Al-Hassad has demonstrated fire walking in public and is an admirer of spoon benders, past-life regressionists, mediums, diviners, and other wackos. The title of his book, featured recently on the UBC morning news program, is The Revelation of Finance. Al-Hassad, according to bulleted points PowerPointed above the head of the moderator, will speak first on finance and spirituality, and then he will speak on salesmanship, after which he will touch on Growing Quality. In the video feed, with its stirring and faintly military music, Maiser can see that Al-Hassad has the perfect television face. His face is a slate cleaned of all its markings except for traces of inoffensiveness and self-regard. Not a wisp of profundity remains to challenge the UBC managers.

And yet Maiser doesn’t give his full attention to the mesmeric face of Ibn Al-Hassad, for the simple reason that the chief executive officer of Universal Beverages Corporation, Naz Korngold, decreed at the kickoff dinner last night that several things would happen during this management off-site: “I just want to say from right here at the podium. . what I want to say is that tonight somebody will drink too much of our own product,” at which there was mock dismay and consternation, “and tonight somebody will sleep with someone else’s wife or husband, and tonight someone will reveal that he does not have the wherewithal to do what we are here to do, which is to grow quality. There will be evasions and denials of our estimable mission. That’s the way off-sites go. The wheat is separated from the chaff at these off-sites, or, to use the metaphor of our newest division, you have your pine box and you have your deluxe, silk-lined, diamond-encrusted, with pillows of eiderdown. If you are part of the hardworking majority of Universal Beverages, you have no cause to worry. You’re here to make our business universal, like it says on the logo, to make our products dominant in the competitive global environment. Each of you should strive for this goal, each of you make sure it’s not you who fails to innovate, make sure it’s not you who resists growing quality. Get to know the manager to your left and to your right. One of the three of you will be fired by the end of the year. Now, drink up and get to work!” Stunned silence and then anemic applause.