Patrick White - The Solid Mandala

But gave up because he was stranding himself somewhere he had never been before. And anyway, he was not saying it for this girl; it was only that she was there, and provoked him. He didn’t believe all he said, ever.

“You needn’t believe it if you don’t want to.”

“I like to believe what I’m told.”

“You’ll be caught, then. Sooner or later.”

It was the first time he had thought about that too. She had begun to exhilarate him.

“Don’t you think we ought to go back?” Dulcie suggested.

He turned, to please her, only taking an oblique path.

“Sometimes I think I’d like to become a great actor.” He had never thought it in his life. He had never seen a play, other than the one Arthur had acted on the front veranda. “Wouldn’t you like to act out great tragic parts?”

“I’d never be able to. I’d get stage-fright,” Dulcie said.

Either she was losing interest, or she didn’t believe in him.

He would have to try another direction.

“What I really want to do,” he said, “is write.”

He heard himself make it sound like a natural function. Perhaps it was because, until now, he had shied away from expressing anything so personal and complicated. It would not be possible even to try with Mother or Dad. But in this girl he might be addressing the kind of complicated human being his reading told him did exist.

“Oh,” she said, “I like to read. I’ve just finished The Mill on the Floss .”

She was looking at him again.

“Maggie Tulliver,” he said, to show.

“Yes!” she said, her eyes brimming once more, so it couldn’t be with tears.

“A very passionate girl, Maggie,” said Waldo Brown, making it sound particularly precise.

Dulcie blushed, and withdrew the expression which had been growing on her face.

“What you are going to write” she said, “do you think it will be novels?”

“I haven’t decided yet,” he said, “what,” he said, “what form it’ll take. Sometimes I think novels, sometimes plays. It might even be some kind of philosophical work.”

He was leading Dulcie back now towards the other members of the party. With things becoming so difficult, he had had to abandon a plan for luring her deeper into the garden by carefully chosen, oblique ways. The prospect of listening to a dialogue between the young grazier and would-be barrister seemed momentarily preferable to his own efforts at invention. It would have been so much easier if he had been able to tell her: I want to, and am going to, write about myself .

Some of those dressed in white were looking absently, though not all that absently, Waldo could see, in their direction. He suspected they were really wondering what he had been up to with a girl in pink alone in the garden.

Somehow they involved him with Dulcie more deeply than before.

“Don’t they make you want to vomit?”

“Oh!” She made a little unhappy sound. “Some of them are probably quite nice. If you get to know them.”

“I wouldn’t trust them.”

Dulcie was silent, and he would have liked to think he had won her over, but was afraid he had simply fallen flat.

“What’s your other name?” he asked.

“Feinstein.”

She pronounced it frankly, and in the foreign way, which made Dulcie Feinstein sound suddenly darker, exotic, though superficially there was nothing foreign about her. He put the tip of his tongue between his lips to stop the smile of pleasure coming to them. Not that his trend of thought wouldn’t have stopped it in due course.

“My name’s Brown,” he said.

“I know. I heard Mrs Musto when you came.”

That made it sound worse.

He said: “It’s the most horrible name anyone could ever have. Brown! ” He drew it out as though blaming the person responsible.

“Probably most people hate the name they’ve got,” she said. “Take Dulcie.”

“It’s not bad ,” he said slowly. “It’s sort of exotic.”

That was a word he had decided to adopt.

“No, it isn’t. It’s awful, really. It means ‘sweet’. And Dulcie’s a plump girl with fair hair and blue eyes. A complexion.”

She was so anxious to reveal the true state of affairs, get it over quickly, that she was licking the dark shadow on her upper lip between the rushed phrases.

Arthur had been right, Waldo realized. Dulcie would probably grow a moustache.

Although they had almost reached the group of guests there was one more question he wanted her to answer before he could feel satisfied.

“Do you know my brother?” he asked.

“No,” said Dulcie.

Surprise had turned her reply into a query. But of course you could never tell. A spasm of malice made him want to shout: I bet you don’t, he’s only that ginger dill who serves you with the sugar down at Allwrights’!

He was safe, though. You could always control your own impulses, if it was important enough to control them, and perhaps Dulcie Feinstein would continue in ignorance of his uncontrollable twin.

Mrs Musto’s tennis party was going limp by now. She herself had the air of wanting to put up her feet and enjoy a boiled egg on a tray. So she was giving her last commands.

“Stubbens will run down to the station with those of yer who aren’t motorin’.”

Of course most of them were motoring. They were of the very best, though none could compete with Fairy Plain and Self-Raising Flour.

While the motorists were disguising themselves their hostess approached Waldo as though to conspire with him.

“You,” she said, clearing her throat, because, he was sure, she had forgotten his name, “wouldn’t mind, I know, walking across with the Feinstein girl. It’s not very far out of yer way.”

Since their return from the garden Dulcie had disappeared, and he rather hoped he had lost her. He had had enough of a good thing. Nor did he feel he might impress her more on that occasion. But here she was, coming out of the house, smoother than before, and in the lesser light, her dress a deepening coconut ice. Carefully she looked away, to show she did not understand what was being arranged.

“That will be nice!” she said at once, however, and so brightly it could have meant more.

Her hitherto moony brown eyes could also flash, he observed.

Yet as soon as Mrs Musto had dismissed them, he and Dulcie began to behave mechanically. While the charge of the motor brigade suggested that the others were exercising their own free will, the two on foot could only accept their portion of dust. They looked at their fellow guests as though they had never seen them before, nor did the motorists attempt to wave, the acquaintanceship was so obviously closed.

Dulcie walked without giving much thought to grace.

“Aren’t you hungry?” she asked. “I am! I’m looking forward to a good tuck-in. All that stuff at Mrs Musto’s, I hardly dared touch a thing!”

“Food isn’t so important,” said Waldo.

“Mmmmm,” she answered on a high note.

He was afraid his remark hadn’t sounded too effective, so he had to try to improve on it.

“We could exist on a handful of dried dates if we were Arabs.”

“But we’re not. And aren’t you a gloomy old thing!” Dulcie replied.

Was she laughing at him?

“You needn’t tell me we’re not Arabs,” he said, even surlier. “But we might be before we’re finished.”

“I shan’t. I shall work. You can always live simply, but well, if you want to.”

It sounded so plain and sane his throat contracted as it did sometimes on his going into the kitchen and smelling an ovenful of Arthur’s bread. He was glad he didn’t have to answer Dulcie.

Objects were growing fuzzy in the fading light, a dark green to greenish black. Dust was whiter for the shadows. The silence might have lain heavy, but Dulcie didn’t give it a chance.