Andrew O'Hagan - The Illuminations

Self-portrait

, it said in Anne’s hand, the same hand, he knew, that once wrote the names of the talented girls at the Menier Camp.

On his way down the stairs, Luke phoned his mother and was glad to hear her voice. ‘At last,’ she said. ‘We were beginning to wonder what happened to you. Do you never answer your phone, Luke?’

‘I switched it off. Sorry.’

‘What’s the weather like?’

He looked out and felt time was nothing at all. They were all young. A feeling of optimism fell from the deep past. There was a way to work out how to pity his mother and not blame her for needing it. He felt the impulse to move on, to improve things, to put what strength he had at the service of his family, without pausing for explanations or statements or reckonings.

‘Clear today,’ he said, ‘but really windy.’

‘Did you see the lights?’

‘Aye. It was fantastic. All the way down the front. I think she’s having a nice time. No stress, you know? Just peaceful.’

‘Well,’ Alice said. ‘It’s her place.’ He waited. ‘You know she’s spent a fortune on it, don’t you?’

‘I suppose she must have, over the years.’

‘A fortune. And she didn’t have a fortune. But that’s what she wanted to do and she did it. You could buy a house for the money she’s spent on that flat. But she’s never wanted my opinion. The bills alone …’

He realised he was listening to her for the first time. She rattled on, and she would always rattle on but Luke wanted to listen, just as he wanted to think the best of Charles Scullion. It wasn’t justice and it wasn’t quite understanding, but Luke was glad he had come to Blackpool. He wasn’t sure if he’d ever mention what he’d found out. He could see her as a small girl with a dead brother, a boy she perhaps knew little about but who took up all the love, and Luke could see — even as Alice’s old defences rose to meet him — that her mother’s investment in her own life had left Alice out in the cold. It had shaped her life, and of course she couldn’t bear to think of Harry or to admire her mother’s talent, or to talk about the boy.

‘I never liked Blackpool,’ she said. ‘And those people down there never had anything to do with me.’

‘I’m sorry,’ Luke said.

‘Don’t know what you’re sorry about. It’s her money to waste any way she wants. I’ve long since given up. And I bet you she’s not even getting a rebate on her council tax. I mean, it’s a second home, isn’t it? That means she should be getting something off and it’s always been a mystery, that flat. She’s helped that family out, you know.’

‘They’re nice people.’

‘They’re

lovely

people,’ she said.

‘And they kept her room together.’

‘She paid their bills.’

‘It doesn’t matter, Mum. They kept it together for her. Two generations of that family did that.’

‘They probably had lodgers in.’

‘It doesn’t matter. Honestly, it doesn’t. Her stuff was locked away. And they weren’t interested in it.’

‘What stuff? Her camera stuff?’

‘Everything she had.’

She went quiet and he could hear the years over the phone and all the dismay of her unspoken life. ‘Maybe sometime we can sit down and talk,’ he said. ‘Just you and me, Mum. It’s going to be just us when this is all over.’

‘I’d like that,’ she said.

‘And we’re going to be fine.’

She cried very quietly into the phone and he just let her cry and said there was all the time in the world. When she stopped crying some of the old hardness came back and he saw her as a person who had always been bullied by the powerful stories that surrounded her and diminished her. ‘I suppose you’ve been treated to my mother and father’s great love story,’ she said.

‘It’s not just about them,’ he said. ‘They’ve had their turn. And we’ll see my gran through this time, but we’ll do it together, okay?’

‘Did something happen to you in the army, Luke?’

‘We all have bad things to answer for. I’ve seen some evil and I might have done some, too. But you learn to forgive. You can even learn to forgive yourself. And I believe Gran would say that if she could.’

‘I’m no angel,’ she said. ‘None of us is.’

‘We’re a family,’ Luke said. ‘Just a family. Sheila’s people are a family but so are we. Let’s do what we can.’

They just breathed for a moment into their phones and then Alice sighed, as if the practical world called to her.

‘We put Mum’s furniture in storage,’ she said. ‘The boxes too and the suitcases from the bathroom. The lady next door’s been really great. She did it all with us.’

‘How is Maureen?’ he asked.

‘Oh, she’s fine,’ Alice said. ‘Has all her Christmas cards ready to post. Already! She said you can’t be too early with things like that. Christmas, would you credit it? The presents all wrapped and sitting in a bag by the front door. She loves it. She loves all the drama. “Families!” she says. “Families!” One minute she’s looking forward to seeing them at Christmas, getting the train, and the next minute she can’t wait until it’s all over. Oh, but she makes me laugh. I was just saying to Gordon: you can’t keep up with people. You may as well not even try because it’s different every day and you never know about people’s lives, do you?’

‘I’m glad she helped, though.’

‘Oh, she was brilliant.’

‘That’s good.’

‘The warden, too. They all pitched in.’

‘You could run a war, Mum.’

‘That’ll be the day. They wouldn’t want the likes of me running up and down the place.’

‘I’ve seen worse.’

Neither spoke for a moment and it was easy to wait and to think and let things settle. Alice sighed.

‘Do you think she senses what’s happening?’

‘No,’ he said, ‘but I’ll tell her eventually. I just want to give her this time. A bit of time down here. A day or two.’

‘Blackpool was always her favourite,’ Alice said, and Luke’s

heart went out to her. He could hear the hurt, the nervousness, fading into relief. It was somehow easier now for her to talk and he knew she wanted to say more. ‘She never really wanted children. Her life had been held back enough. She wanted him. And Blackpool was the place where she hoped it would all come together.’

‘I’m sorry, mum.’

‘Ah, well, Luke. It’s over now. And I’m glad you’re there with her.

‘You’re here.’

Luke drove to the Regal Cafe and found Anne sitting at a corner table with the women. He hadn’t known it before, but his gran obviously liked women’s company and had missed it — the girls at the Menier Camp, her aunts in Glasgow, the neighbour Maureen. She was laughing with Sheila and her sister when he came in and she touched the clip in her hair when she saw him and she looked up at the coffee machine. ‘We were just on about Woolworth’s,’ Sheila said. ‘Your gran mentioned it and we were just saying there was nothing left of Woolworth’s nowadays. Harriet used to have a Saturday job there, didn’t you, Hats?’

‘I got fat on the Pick ’n’ Mix,’ she said.

Luke paid the bill. He turned to smile at Anne and the two sisters. ‘I want you all to come in the car,’ he said.

‘Fab,’ said Sheila. ‘Are you taking us for a drive or something?’

‘I want to take you to the Fleetwood Marine.’

‘Is there something on?’

Luke said it was just a wee outing — nice for Anne and it wasn’t far. And so they drove up the coast and passed the factory for Fisherman’s Friends. ‘That’s very nice,’ Anne said. ‘The sweeties.’