Andrew O'Hagan - The Illuminations

Alice stood up. ‘Dramatise. Yes. With memory. It’s as if my mother turned to something else when she gave up her photographs.’

‘Something else?’

‘Make-believe,’ Alice said. ‘Fantasy. Like all her hopes went sour and she just couldn’t take reality any more.’

‘Perhaps,’ he said.

‘I’ve always been made to feel I lack faith.’

‘I agree there’s drama in it while it’s happening,’ Dr Sabin said, ‘but I can tell you from experience, Alice, that life reveals itself, in any case. I see it every day in this room. Time shows everything.’

She lifted her coat off the back of the chair. ‘I didn’t ever think it would be so hard. So hard to face it.’ She could feel her eyes well up and her breath staggered from one sentence to the next. ‘I would love to spend half an hour with the woman who made those pictures.’

‘She hasn’t gone,’ he whispered. ‘Quite the opposite. She’s coming back. And maybe you could prepare to meet her halfway. Between the person she is now and the person she used to

be. Enter into the spirit of where her mind is going and allow her …’

‘She’s never needed my permission for anything.’

‘Well, maybe she does now.’ They sat in a state of hesitation for a few seconds and the seconds seemed long. ‘There’s been too much denial in this family,’ Alice said.

‘Maybe so. Maybe in all families. But your own counselling might mean you can help her by helping yourself. Your mother isn’t your enemy. She isn’t your only resource. She’s losing parts of herself and gaining others. And if it’s possible, Alice, you might take it less personally.’

‘I worry that her lies shaped my life. I worry that I only took up with Sean, my husband Sean, because of her war-hero thing. I was always trying to keep up. My husband was a soldier and I lost him and I used to worry I would lose my son the same way. You don’t see the connections in your life until it’s too late to disentangle them.’

‘So, Luke’s on his way home?’

‘Yes, he is. I think it’s been hard for him. He’s been through a lot out there and I want him to know, when he comes back, that he doesn’t have to talk about it if he doesn’t want to.’

The doctor turned. ‘We all have something to hold back,’ he said. ‘And maybe some of us depend on other people’s mistakes to make us feel better about our own.’

‘So, it’s my fault?’ She produced a ball of tissue from her sleeve and held it against her nose.

‘Not everything reduces itself to the question of fault, Alice. Most things don’t, in fact.’

‘Right.’

‘You’ve coped well.’

‘I don’t think so. Sean and I thought we would live for a hundred years. And when he died it was going to be me and Luke against the world. But Luke chose my mother, just as she chose Harry.’

‘You feel the men got the better deal?’

‘God, yes,’ she said. ‘What were the men really like? God knows. Because they always got top billing. The boys are the heroes in this family.’

‘She didn’t like women?’

‘She loves women. Her friends. The woman next door. The girls she knew when she was young. She just doesn’t particularly like the woman she gave birth to.’

‘Just remember, she’s not well.’

‘I think her mind’s gone. I told you about the rabbit?’

‘Yes, you said.’

‘Caring about a fake rabbit. What’s that about?’

Some smiles aren’t smiles. What he did with his mouth was more like an acknowledgement, a firm admission that some mysteries must be endured and never solved. He sat down and laid a hand on the mousepad and put a finger to his lips. ‘Nobody takes me seriously,’ he said. ‘But the thing I wish I could prescribe isn’t available in the pharmacy.’

‘What’s that?’

‘They don’t keep it in bottles.’

‘What?’

‘Time,’ he said.

She got outside and breathed the sea air, taking her time, moving on very precisely to another self. You have to dust yourself off and get on with it and that’s that, she said. Alice could drop in and out of her own feelings and now she wanted a latte. She

walked down the street to the Marina Cafe thinking of something entirely new, and, once inside, she waited. No one was there and the sweet jars lined the wall, the jukebox playing ‘Love Me Do’ to the mirrors and the clean tables.

BLUE

Maureen said she wanted one of those sky-coloured radios and a light blue rug for the living room. Not exactly the same blue everywhere but very similar and kind of summery. ‘I’ve never been one for dark colours,’ she said. ‘People with black sofas and brown curtains, heaven help us, they want their heads examined. There are such nice things in the shops and our Ian’s handy with a screwdriver, so if you go to IKEA you can just get him round and he’ll hammer it together, because you don’t want those men coming, you know, the ones with the van. They make you smile. They charge you a fortune and leave a right mess in your hall.’

Maureen always said she had too much time to think.

‘I love them to death, but …’

Maybe her children had betrayed her by seeking happiness elsewhere. She’d think it mad if anyone said it, but her children saw how affronted she could be by their ambitions and their progress. ‘Nobody is prouder of their children’s success than I am,’ she’d whisper. And she did enjoy their achievements in a boast-to-the-neighbours kind of way. But she didn’t like what comes with success in one’s children: the independence, the sudden confidence, the distance, the self-sufficiency. That was all bad news from her point of view. More than bad news: it was selfish. They should be holding themselves responsible for the way she felt, as if only

their guilt could assuage her. And, because of this, it was impossible for her ever to let them see that she was happy. Maureen was a woman who kept her good times a secret from her children for fear they might stop pitying her.

The great secret was she liked her life. The routines at Lochranza Court suited her down to the ground and she loved her friends. But that didn’t stop her from leaving messages on the voicemails of her children, messages that ended with a few tears. She would sniff into the phone and slowly her bad feelings would become an aria of blame about them not doing enough. In all their adult lives — and Ian hadn’t been a teenager for twenty-five years — Maureen had never sat her children down together at a table for a meal. And it wasn’t because she couldn’t cook or couldn’t buy a chicken. It was something else: making a meal would have suggested a level of well-being that some part of her, some sad part of her, couldn’t bear them to witness at the same time. She resented their spouses as if they had cast a spell on her children and made them forget who they were.

She had put out a lovely spread for Alice. Cut sandwiches sat on plates, pieces of Victoria sponge, amid the mugs and spoons at the kitchen table. Good God, thought Alice: sugar in the tea and all this cake and it isn’t even lunch-time. ‘She measures out her life in sugar spoons,’ her mother cracked one time, when she was well. And it was true Alice always worried about her weight.

‘Oh, what the hell. Who cares?’ Maureen said. ‘It’s just us two. If we’re not good to ourselves, who’s going to be?’

Coming along the corridor that day, Alice had enjoyed an unexpected feeling of belonging. Some days she experienced a random turn for the better and it usually didn’t last. She suddenly admired the housing complex and saw it as a wonderful

cooperative. She said to herself she hoped that, when her time came, they would bring her to live in a place like this. With the Yamaha organ and the board games, the large-print books, the knitting patterns, it seemed made for tired wanderers, except that most of the people in there had lived all their lives in the town. She thought she probably deserved a place at Lochranza Court after all her upsets, before realising that was the sort of thing Maureen would say.