Jon McGregor: Even the Dogs

Off again past the back of the council offices, Einstein not wanting to leave the food behind but limping along beside him all the same. Past the alleyway down to the back of the shopping centre and through the multi-storey carpark and there still weren’t no one there. Could have told Maureen. She would have told the police for him. Out on to the Royal Square. Could have asked to use the phone and done it himself. They’d have to be told. What the fuck was he thinking. Couldn’t just leave Robert lying on the floor. Couldn’t just wait while someone else climbed in through the window or broke the door down and found him lying there like that. Tripped on the kerb by the taxi rank and fell on his knees, but so what if anyone saw. Einstein nudging at his ear to see if he was all right. Barking at him to get up. Had to tell someone else first, before he told the police, had to find out if anyone else knew, had to get things straight, things were all too fucking fucked up. Getting up again and stumbling past the office block with the indoor waterfall and that security guard who comes out from behind his desk as soon as anyone catches his eye. And if he found Laura what did he think was going to happen. She was going to cry on his shoulder or something. And then what. Kept walking because what else can you do. The underpass at the end of Station Street. Found some more fag-ends there. The steps. The canal towpath. Probably she wouldn’t even let him speak to her after last time after what happened the

Mike would know what to do. Danny thought. Mike might know who those two girls were who’d gone over at the Abbey. Wouldn’t be Laura though else Maureen would have said. Mike would know. Hard work hanging out with Mike sometimes but at least he generally knew what to do, in a situation, in a situation like this. Except they’d never been in a situation like this. Fuck. Thing to do now before anything else was find Mike, up at the Parkside squats where they’d been sleeping lately and find him there he must be there. But Laura. But needing to score. But Mike might have some would he fuck would he

If he hadn’t gone to his brother’s. If he hadn’t said all that to Laura. If he’d stuck with Mike. Then none of this would have

Bunch of people outside the Catholic church but it weren’t going to open for another hour or something and he had to get sorted first. They did a good lunch, but food weren’t important now. Wouldn’t keep it down anyway the state he was in. Looked to see if there was anyone he knew. Maggie, and Jamesie, and that girl Charmaine with the baby, standing there pushing him backwards and forwards in the buggy to get him back to sleep. Fucksake, when she first turned up on the scene. Weren’t long before she got a place in this mother and baby hostel but before that, Jesus. She’d told Laura about it. Left home because her mum was giving her a hard time about the baby, not giving her no help except a mouthful of You’re doing it all wrong and then her mum’s bloke said If you don’t shut that fucking kid up I’ll fucking shut it up for you. Which like she knew what he was capable of with her mum. She told them all this down the Housing, but all they heard her say was I left home, which meant they could give it all I’m sorry, love, you’ve made yourself intentionally homeless there’s very little we can do. Told Laura she spent three days and nights after that just walking around town. Specially at night, she said. Didn’t want to sleep nowhere, in case someone took little Ryan, you get me? What would I have done then? Just kept walking and walking until something worked out, getting all blisters and sores, tucking little Ryan into his buggy under blankets and coats and hushing him to sleep and wiping his tears away. Nicking jars of babyfood for him until she got arrested and someone got on her case and got this place in the hostel sorted out. I lost it a bit them nights though, she told Laura, I don’t know what I was up to really, I weren’t thinking straight or nothing. But you go different when you’ve got a kid though, know what I mean? Get like you’d do fucking anything for it. Three days and nights she just kept walking, singing like lullabies to little Ryan and walking all night and nobody noticed a thing. Even outside the Catholic church now she was standing a way apart from the others, pushing the buggy backwards and forwards and looking around in all directions, like standing guard or getting ready to

Climbed across the lockgates under the flyover, the black timbers glassed with ice, the canal water tumbling into the empty lock with a sound like the blood rushing in his ears. A few caravans and trucks parked up under the flyover, some kids burning cables on a bonfire but no one he knew so he climbed back across the canal and called Einstein and carried on along

Mike had told him hadn’t he, Mike had said he was better off not going, said there was no way his brother would let him in the house. So if he’d listened. He should have listened. Seemed like Mike was talking bollocks half the time but then he turned out right. Which was why he’d stuck with him. He’d helped out when Danny first showed up in town, when he’d got taxed for asking someone where he could score. Come up afterwards and offered Danny halves on a ten bag in return for a split on Danny’s next giro, helped him get the giro sorted and get a new address for it and all the rest. Waited three days while the giro came through and that was enough to set them up as partners, three days of thieving and begging and scoring just enough to keep from getting sick while they waited for the giro to come in. Which all went at once on the dark and the light and they got through it quick before anyone could find them and take it off

Jesus. Could do with some gear now. Would help. Would help him think a bit straight. Got his script from the chemist as soon as he got to town, before he went up to Robert’s, but that was hours ago now and it weren’t nearly holding him. Yawns coming on already and the rest would follow soon as. Had just enough for a bag from what his brother had given him when he’d slung him out of the house. When he’d said Danny take this I can’t have you here no more, not in your state, not with Nicola and the kids and everything, I’ve given you a chance but she’s had enough she’s all on edge. You understand don’t you, mate. Boxing Day. Nice one. You know how it is, with the kids, but take this and get yourself sorted. And happy fucking Christmas to you an all, brother. There’d been a bit of a scene then, shouting, banging, kids crying in the house and Nicola’s little red car getting its windows broken again but only once he’d taken the money. He was proud but he still needed the money. Found somewhere to score before setting off back. Not hard when you know what you’re looking for and it don’t take long. Scored just enough to hold him while he got to the chemist’s, and kept enough money back to sort him out after that. His own brother and he wouldn’t let him in the house. And if he had he wouldn’t have been the one to find Robert like that. Would have been one of the others and it would be them staggering around town now going mental with the sight of it instead of him. It was always, why was it always

Couldn’t get his usual man to answer the phone and he’d been trying all day. Cunt was probably still in bed. No one around to ask for another number but if he didn’t get sorted soon he was going to start getting sick he was going to

Down the steps by the locks beneath the railway bridge. The water dark and still and rainbow-slicked with oil. The railway arches fenced off to keep them out but he knew a way through. Dark inside, and a stink of piss and shit and soot but no one there. A heap of rotting blankets, a pair of split boots, cans and bottles and scraps of foil and card, an old paperback book ripped apart at the spine. But no one there. Something scratching and moving