Jon McGregor - Even the Dogs

Heather hardly even awake and Steve still telling the story. Bristol John looking up suddenly and going What’s that fucking smell. What the fuck is that fucking smell now. Standing up and patting his trousers and touching the lino and going Oh fuck it I’m wet, looking down at Heather and going Heather you stupid cow, what you done? Heather looking up at him, and looking down at herself, and people coming in from the kitchen to see what’s going on. Cheering, laughing. Heather pulling herself to her feet, falling down, getting up again. Going Oh fuck now look what I’ve gone and done. Going I thought I already went for a piss, I thought I didn’t need to go again. Looking at Steve and going My cunt lied to me. Cracking and wheezing with laughter, and going I didn’t think I needed to go for a piss but my cunt lied to me. Everyone shouting with laughter.

What were they even doing in bloody Bosnia.

Is there anything else you’d like to share with the group. Take your time. We can wait. Perhaps you’d like to explore some of the emotions generated by this episode. Or perhaps you’d like to keep your mouth shut and your arms folded until the time’s up and you can get your script. Keep your eyes on the clock. And the stone tiles. And the deep stainless-steel sinks.

I don’t know Father, do you think He believes in you.

Mike waiting in a room with one of those therapy blokes or doctors one time. Exploring the issues and all that. Going I wouldn’t mind it that much though la, that’s not the problem. Straight up, I don’t think I’d even have mental-health problems in the first place if the voices were just a bit nicer to me, you know what I’m saying?

Waiting for the gear to cool in the syringe, and peeling back your clothes to find the vein. Stroking the skin on your arms, running cold steady fingers down the pulsing cords of your neck. Easing your trousers down and spreading your legs to find the bruised and scabbing entry-wounds along your fem. There, or there, or there. Hushed and holding your breath.

Waiting to feel the gear hit home, those long seconds between sticking in the pin and the gear doing what it does to your body and your brain and whatever else, your, fucking, soul. Waiting for all that pain to just get taken away. Wiped away, washed away. Or waiting for the meth to seep into you and get rid of that rattling for a few hours more, get rid of all the things that come up on you with the sickness. To hold you for the few hours while you work on getting sorted again. To keep the troubles away. The fucking troubles. The things that come to mind when you’d rather they didn’t come to mind, certain things. Certain things which if you’re not careful they all come pouring out the same way your guts come pouring out when you get sick, when you go too long without getting sorted. Comes pouring out of you. When you’d rather it didn’t. When you’d rather none of it came to mind.

Waiting outside the chemist’s all them mornings, Mike and Danny and Heather and Laura and Bristol John, Stevie, Maggie, Ben, necking our little paper cups of meth, draining the thick green syrup and licking our lips and Mike going Eh now if it weren’t for this stuff there’d be a what’s it called, a like uprising or insurrection or something you know what I’m saying.

It’s the opium of the masses is what it is pal.

Steve wasn’t bothered but he waited a while before he talked to Heather again. Bang out of line what she said and there was no call for it. Waited a while before he went round there or he talked to her again. Didn’t bother him. But it was one reason why he weren’t there for the Christmas dinner with the others. Plus it was something else. Waiting for Ant, for what Ant was cooking up.

Sausages wrapped in bacon and roast parsnips and proper horseradish sauce. Don’t sort of get to eat proper horseradish sauce that often. Steve would have loved it. So why didn’t Heather notice when he wasn’t there. Or did she. Always been there before.

Robert would have loved it but he’d never been there for years. Never left his flat for years had he. Too scared of something. Of what. Of having his flat repossessed while he was gone was it. Thought as long as he stayed put they couldn’t do nothing. Said it was all he had left and he’d fight anyone for it.

They never even tried though did they but. Must have been getting enough housing off him or something. Or must have just forgot or lost his file down the back of the desk or something.

And all the presents they gave out at the Christmas dinner, all the decorations. All the volunteers down there and it all just makes Boxing Day even worse.

Jesus. Boxing Day. One day of the year makes you miss a family no matter what. Cold and quiet outside, everywhere closed, quiet like a fucking grave. And all the lights on in the houses. And all the houses full of people sleeping it off in armchairs with plates of leftovers spread around the room and their families close by all around them. The day centre all closed up and you realise the day before was just pretend, just another fucking pantomime.

Round about then that Steve hooked up with Ant. After that business with Heather. Found him on the wasteground behind the day centre when they were all waiting for it to open one morning, helped him out and they ended up both sorting a new place to stay.

And then Ant sorted him out in turn. When Robert was waiting for someone to come back and find him that’s where he was, watching Ant cooking up something new.

That’s where we all were, when it comes down to it.

Except Laura. Where was she. In the back of that taxi and going where. Going to rehab, Danny says. Out to the country.

Fucking, ombudsman.

The doctor or whoever going Mike, perhaps when you feel the need to communicate with these voices.

That poster they always have up at these therapy places, going For all its drudgery and fucking sham this is still a whatever.

This huge stretch of wasteground covered in weeds and flowers and trees and piles of rubble. Like a bloody nature reserve or something, birds and butterflies and all that and when you’re out in the middle of it you can’t hardly hear the traffic. Good place to go drinking. Steve walking through there for a piss one morning and near enough fell over this lad just lying there looking up at the sky. This was Ant. Steve asked him if he was all right down there, and the lad nodded, and Steve said Right then and went off for his piss. Hadn’t even finished when Ant goes Actually can you help us out though marra?

And what about the rest of us, when Robert was lying there waiting for help. Or when he, what was it. Like Ben. When he got out of the cells and he could have gone straight up there could he. But he was looking for Mike. He was looking for anyone. Looking for some way of scoring as quick as he could, fucking rattling and cramping all over, running doubled-up through the streets like he was ducking for cover. Where was Laura then, when he wanted to find her. Wanted some company. Always looking for company. But there weren’t no one around, it seemed like. When he got out of the cells. This was, what, day after Boxing Day it must have been, or the day after that. No one around. Like some kind of ghost-town and that. Reminded him of something, reminded him of that time he got back from school and the people who ran the children’s home had like done one and there was just these social workers there going Ah, now, Benjamin, the thing is there’s a small problem here. A few issues. What were they called. Bradshaw. Mark and Susie. Call me Mark. They’d taken loads of stuff out of everyone’s rooms while they were at school and fucked off to Spain or Portugal or somewhere. Call me Mark, call me Susie. Fucked off because it turned out some other kids who’d been there before had been talking about what had supposedly happened to them, some kind of interfering and all that. And these social workers had taken them all off to a bunch of other children’s homes, asking them all these questions, going Don’t worry now if there’s anything you need to talk to us about. Going Did they ever make you feel uncomfortable, Benjamin, did they ever ask you to, all that.