Jon McGregor - Even the Dogs

So what if no one answered the door. Weren’t like it was always busy in there all the time.

So how was she to know, how was any of us to know.

Except Danny who found him but that was different.

For a long time it weren’t like he would have answered the door anyway. Years back. When it was just him on his own and he weren’t expecting no one. Anyone at the door would have been some kind of trouble.

But if he could have just shouted.

If Heather could have done something about it, something like, instead of just wandering down to the day centre and getting stuck in to that Christmas dinner and more or less just forgetting about it.

She remembered about it later. But she was back in her room by then and what could she do.

Mike and Ben too busy going over Jamesie to think about getting back up to the flat. And what was all that. Something about Jamesie owing Mike money, but it was Ben who went steaming in and took him out from behind. Like a what like some kind of hired hand or something. Hired fist. Steaming across the lobby in the day centre, Jamesie standing by the toilets with Maggie and Bristol John and Tommy, booted him straight in the back and then clattered him around the head on his way down. Kicking him on the floor until someone got a hold of him. Near enough laughing or something.

Don’t take much to knock Jamesie out. He’s usually halfway there already. But Ben made sure the job got done. Didn’t he just.

Everyone waiting for Christmas dinner and they could have done without that getting in the way.

Decent Christmas dinner they do there as well. All the trimmings, and a bit of drink allowed in for a change, and the place all decorated up nice. Even Maureen letting her hair down a bit with what must be her one drink of the year or something, a glass of dry sherry and suddenly everything’s hilarious. Probably a good job she saves it for Christmas. Seems like she might have a, what you call, a propensity.

Weren’t laughing about this though, fucking, Jamesie out cold and bleeding all over the floor and four or five big blokes holding Ben down.

That kid though. Ben. Fucksake. Give him a few rocks and he goes all like strength of a thousand bears and that. Does himself enough damage trying to batter his way out of trouble, running into doors and walls and taking on coppers twice his size. Makes a big impression for a small kid.

Plenty of volunteers coming in for the day, and presents for everyone, and decent food. Sausages wrapped in bacon and roast parsnips and proper horseradish sauce. Don’t often get to eat proper horseradish sauce.

They had him in handcuffs by the time Heather got there. Mike long gone by then, striding off through the markets with his long coat swinging, making out like he had some phone call to attend to or something.

And what was it anyway, what had Jamesie done this time.

Something about money but it seemed like more than that.

The way Ben went at him.

And Steve weren’t even there so that should have reminded Heather that something was up. With Robert. He never liked being around people much but he never liked missing out on food neither. So she should have thought, when she didn’t see him there.

She remembered later but she was back in her room by then. And sort of what could she do then.

When Steve was, what. While Robert was all, lying on his back and waiting. Or was it, what, sitting in his chair.

Hadn’t even known Ben that long but she knew him enough that it weren’t much of a surprise. What he did to Jamesie like that. Four or five months since she’d started seeing him about the place and he’d always had some kind of trouble on him. Sort of followed him like a dog he couldn’t get rid of. Like he didn’t know no better, like he didn’t know how to avoid it. Which he didn’t did he. First time she saw him he was tapping people up outside the train station, when everyone knew that was the worst place for getting caught out in one of them clean sweeps or whatever. Didn’t normally like getting involved but what was it there was just sort of something about him. Crossed the street and took him by the arm and said You’re better off not doing that right there sweetheart, and there was a couple of community street wardens or whatever they called them right on top near enough and he didn’t say nothing he just went off with her like meek as a lamb or something.

Wardens was for dogs, when she was a kid. Times change though don’t they.

Most people would have said mind your own business, called her all names and that. But Ben just went with her. Like he’d been waiting for someone to go with. Said thanks for the help. And the next time she saw him, down one of the day centres, he said thanks again, and remembered her name. She saw him about more and more after that. She liked him, she thought he was a smart kid, even if he didn’t know much. Thought he was a good-looking kid as well, except his face was busted up half the time.

And where did Mike go. Talking on his phone like that. Like he had somewhere to be. Where did he have to be. Like he had something to do.

Steve was with Ant, in the place they’d been fixing up above the burnt-out shop. This is what, like meanwhile or something is it. Or even the day before. Ant laying out his works on a square of cloth on the floor. Steve feeding H and combing through his hair for fleas, checking his ears, checking his paws. Ant not talking much, concentrating, and that suited Steve. Suited the two of them.

Plenty to think about on a day like that though. Fucking, Christmas Day. Can’t help it. Don’t matter where you’ve come from. Always things to remember on a day like that. Things to regret and that. Plenty ways of forgetting and all though but.

The works all laid out and lined up. Like a soldier laying out his kit. Everything present and correct.

So, what. Would things have been different if Steve had been over at Robert’s instead. He would have been normally but he hadn’t been there for a few months after that fall-out they’d had. But does that make it his fault. Robert didn’t need no one looking after him. Never asked for that.

But if someone had been there. Then.

We keep sitting here waiting and these things keep coming to mind. Waiting in the dark and these things keep coming out.

Steve was the first one to start staying at Robert’s place, come to think of it. This was when, years back. Bloody, years. Started drinking outside the post office one morning, waiting to pick up their giros, and after a while they took their drinks to Robert’s front step and watched H running around making friends with the other dogs in the street. Just sat there talking, and a while after that Steve ended up staying over on the front-room floor. Weren’t like he had anywhere else to go. Two of them sat there talking all day like it was some kind of support group, like a self-help group or something.

Like no one’s here to judge or offer advice or comment. All that. We’re just here to listen and share so who’d like to get us started.

Jesus but. Everyone sitting around going I can’t help it I take smack because my old man used to hit me or my cousin raped me or they took all my fucking kids away. Whatever they call them. Encounter groups, therapy groups, support groups. Whatever. And no one ever says I take smack because I fucking like it and it keeps me well and it keeps me fucking quiet.

Don’t criticise. Don’t interrupt each other. Nothing gets repeated outside these walls.

Things you have to sit through sometimes. When you’re just after a script or a sub or some signature you need for something or other.

Let’s just go through this form together shall we. Let’s identify your needs and your goals and when we’re done I can let you have a bed for the night. Let’s talk about your risk behaviours before we start thinking about treatment shall we.