Jon McGregor - This Isn't the Sort of Thing That Happens to Someone Like You

He said could I hear that lot, meaning the guests at the Stewart place, meaning they sounded well into it by then. We sat there and listened, looking into the fire. The pallet-wood kept cracking and spitting and all these shrieks of laughter kept coming across the fields.

Fuck it, he said. Let’s go.

*

He came walking out of the catering tent with a case of Stella. Just like that, jackpot. He opened the back door and slid it in and I told him nice one Ray let’s get going.

Wait there, he says.

He shut the door and went back into the catering tent. I could see the shadow of him moving around in there. Also I could see the younger Stewart standing in the light outside the toilet talking to some people, waving that cigar around but apparently still not smoking it. The air was cold and there were these little wafts of steam rising off him into the light, like the way steam comes off of cows first thing in the morning. The back door opened and Ray dumped what sounded like a case of wine bottles in there. I said Ray you don’t even like wine let’s just get going.

Wait there you, he says. Give me a few more minutes, he says.

When he eventually came out and got in the car he was carrying some kind of black satchel and a vase of flowers. He told me to drive. He shifted in his seat. He wiped his mouth with the back of his hand. I looked at him. I asked him what he’d been doing in there. He held up the vase. These are for Jackie, he says. I asked him what he’d been doing. He wiped his mouth again and told me to drive.

The younger Stewart gave us a wave on our way out. Ray waved back. There were groups of people standing around all along the track out to the road, but no one else looked at us. I drove with the lights off. There was still some light in the sky out to the west, and the moon was high. If it wasn’t for the green algae the moon would have been like glinting off the lake when we got back to the caravan. The fire was still burning, just about. The lights were all out at Jackie’s house. Ray set the vase of flowers on a flat stone by the lake and ripped open the case of beers. I put the last of the wood on the fire and pulled my chair up close to it and we both opened a beer. I didn’t really feel like a drink after all that. I felt like going to bed. Ray put the satchel on his lap and started going through it. He looked like a woman with a handbag. I didn’t say that. The blood on my shirt was still wet from before. I threw a stone in the lake. I asked Ray how come the fuck he’d taken a bag for. I told him we’d said just the drinks. I told him it weren’t like anyone was going to have to look far before they thought of us. He said to stop whining like a little girl. We couldn’t hear much from the Stewart place. They must have been winding down.

I asked Ray what he’d got. He said there was some money but it was all foreign shit it was mostly euros. He said there was a phone with a camera on it. I threw another stone in the lake and finished the beer. I asked him what he was going to do with the euros and he said he was going to go on a day trip to fucking Calais what did I think he was going to do with the euros. He threw a stone at the lake and it hit the vase and the vase fell over without breaking. A couple of Tornadoes went over and dropped bombs on the Sands, and by the time we heard them they must have been long gone. A light went on in Jackie’s bedroom. Three more of them went over, and we heard someone screaming or laughing at the Stewart place. Ray said they weren’t messing around any more, it was all going to kick off any day now for definite. The light went out in Jackie’s bedroom. Ray found a passport in the bag. I told him he could get good money for a passport, I knew someone. He flicked through it. It’s from Norway, he said. This is Norwegian shit. Hence why the euros, I started to say, but he stood up and threw the passport and the money on the fire and threw the bag towards the lake. It fell short. I looked at him. I tried to grab the passport out of the fire, but he kicked my hand and told me to leave it the bloody hell well alone. I opened another beer and sat down. I said Ray they’re going to come looking for that passport and the rest of the shit. He gave me a look. I shut up and drank my beer. I’d been getting to quite like the caravan and the lake and everything. Another Tornado went over. Looked like we weren’t going to get that ditch dug after all. I started asking him what he’d done that for, but he told me to just fucking well leave it.

Don’t even get me started on the Norwegians, he says.

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