Russell Hoban - Angelica's Grotto

Moving from aisle to aisle, Klein filled his basket. Everything began to seem significant now, and the signs above the aisles became a mantra as he scanned them: COOKED MEAT, BACON & SAUSAGES, FRESH CHICKEN, FRESH MEAT, CANNED VEGETABLES, SOUPS, RICE & PASTA, COOKING SAUCES, BUNS & TEA CAKES, BREAD & CAKES, PICKLES & SAUCES, COOKING OILS, TEA & COFFEE, CANNED FISH & MEAT, BABY FOODS, MEDICINES, SHAMPOOS, TOILET SOAPS, SOAP POWDER & BLEACH, DOG FOOD, CAT FOOD, TOILET TISSUES, KITCHEN TOWELS, FROZEN CHICKEN, FROZEN MEAT, FROZEN VEGETABLES, FROZEN READY MEALS, FROZEN FISH, ICE-CREAM, RED WINES, WHITE WINES, BEER & LAGER, SPIRITS & LIQUEURS, BISCUITS, JAM & MARMALADE, SWEETS & CHOCOLATE, HOME BAKING, CRISPS, SNACKS, NUTS, SOFT DRINKS AND MINERAL WATER, MEMENTO MORI & LAST JUDGEMENT, GATHER YE ROSEBUDS WHILE YE MAY, OLD TIME IS STILL A-FLYING.

‘Rosebud,’ said Klein as the flames licked round him. He was standing in front of a display of autistic ties that gabbled in crazy colours and he thought of buying one for Leslie. He moved on to a phalanx of batteries, found it difficult not to buy some just for the power of it. When he left Safeway the dog was still there.

Gissa job, it said with its eyes.

‘Fully staffed,’ said Klein.

‘Big Issue!’ growled a bearded vendor.

‘There are no small ones,’ said Klein. Bearing his frozen codfish cakes and the other supper ingredients, he continued along the North End Road for no valid reason past the Parish Church of St John with St James, Walham Green, offering its crucified wooden Christ and COFFEE HERE, past the green and leafy churchyard and four jovial drunks on a bench towards the Cock that swung its sign above the eponymous pub and further flaunted its virility with a rampant golden chanticleer in three dimensions on the roof.

There’s always Viagra, said Oannes.

‘I need Viagra like a barnacle needs a treadmill,’ said Klein, not realising that he’d spoken aloud until three passing schoolgirl smokers turned to look at him. ‘As if!’ said one. ‘What did he mean?’ said another, and the third brayed with all-purpose laughter.

Outside the public toilets a tumescent red motorcycle was parked. ‘They really know how to hurt a guy,’ said Klein, and headed for home.

Klein had written his own shopping list of salad ingredients, and at the appropriate time, feeling housewifely but trusting no one else to get it right, he made the salad and waited for the others to come home. The kitchen was in the basement, and as he sliced tomatoes and cucumbers he looked up at the legs and bodies — his view went no further — of the passersby on the other side of the area railings. The purposeful footsteps of the rest of the world made him wonder whether the place he had arrived at was as good as the ones they were hastening to.

Melissa was the first to arrive. ‘Honey, I’m home,’ she said, and gave him a deep kiss.

Klein disengaged his tongue and wiped his mouth. ‘Did you have a good day?’

‘Nothing special. What’s the matter with you?’

‘Matter? What could be the matter?’

‘That’s what I’m asking. Did you have a bad day?’

‘Nothing special. I had a bad night, though, and so did you by the sound of it. Did Leslie demand his non-conjugal rights in a way you didn’t care for?’

‘The walls are really thin in this house, aren’t they.’

‘Especially when the bedroom doors are open.’

‘What is it with men, anyhow, that they have to let off steam by buggering the nearest woman?’

‘I wouldn’t know — it’s been so long since I had any steam to let off. You must be used to it, though, with Leslie.’

‘Sometimes I don’t mind but last night I wasn’t in the mood.’

‘Neither was I.’

‘Harold —’ she put her hand on his arm, ‘I know you were looking forward to joining in and I’m sorry it didn’t work out that way but we’ve only just moved in and …’ She wound herself around him and nuzzled his cheek, ‘We’ve got lots of great nights ahead of us. Leslie has this heavy macho thing but I can settle him down and we’ll have a really good time together — you’ll see.’

‘I think not, Melissa.’

She unwound with the speed of a striking rattlesnake. ‘What do you mean, Prof?’

‘I mean, you can stay but Leslie’s got to go. I didn’t mind it so much when he was doing you in Camberwell but I’ll be goddamned if I want him doing you in my front bedroom.’

‘But I thought, you know, you wanted a ménage à trois.’

‘So did I but the fact is that I just don’t like Leslie. Maybe we could ménage better if we found a woman to be the third in this house. I imagine I could find one without too much trouble — you’re not the only one that can be bought.’

Go for it, Champ, said Oannes.

Melissa’s eyes were frightening. ‘Jesus, Harold, you’re turning out to be a right bastard.’

‘I never promised you unlimited old foolery.’

‘The hell you didn’t! You said you were going to take care of me financially and you strung me along so Leslie and I would move in with you, and now that we’ve given up the Camberwell flat you suddenly cop out on me. That’s really shitty, Prof. If dumping Leslie was part of the deal you should have said so before this.’

‘I honestly didn’t know his presence was going to affect me the way it does. And it’s deliberate on his part — he knows he’s the alpha male around here and he rubs my nose in it with the way he talks to me and the looks he gives me and his body language. I might be old but I realise now that I’m just as territorial as he is and you happen to be the territory. I’m sorry but that’s just how it is.’ What a lot of testosterone there is in my cerebral cortex, he thought.

Melissa’s face became something pale and grim that was all angles and no curves. ‘Look at you, you useless old fart — I could easily finish you off with my bare hands and you’re feeling territorial about me? That’s really a laugh.’

‘So laugh, but get rid of Leslie or the deal’s off.’

‘But I need Leslie — he’s so good with computers and he knows the drill for the project. How am I going to break in somebody new at this stage?’

‘Easily, I should think. There must be a million Leslies out there ready to step into the breach as soon as you drop your knickers. But not in my front bedroom.’

‘You want to play hardball? How about if I let the tabloids know about the secret life of a respected art historian?’

‘Go ahead, sweetheart. Not only will it give my books a new lease of life but I can sell my side of the story for a lot more money than I usually get in advances.’

‘Good God, he’s greedy as well.’

‘This doesn’t have to be a long drawn-out discussion, Lola. I’ve grown accustomed to your base but if you’re determined to carry on with Leslie you’ll have to do it without my financial help and in some other venue.’

He could see her thinking through various scenarios and discarding them until she had none. The deadliness went out of her eyes and she leant her head on his shoulder like a tired child. The lamp over the kitchen table backlit her hair and one side of her face and she was adorable in her defeat.

‘I don’t believe this is happening,’ she said softly. ‘I thought we were good friends and fond of each other.’

‘I am fond of you, Melissa, but now that I’ve loosened up a bit I think I could become fond of someone else rather easily. Leslie’s going to be here soon, I expect. Do you want to break it to him or shall I?’

‘Don’t do anything right away, Harold — give me a little time to think.’