Russell Hoban - Kleinzeit

Redbeard took his cap out of the carrier-bag, flung it on the ground. He played Yellow Dog Blues on his mouth organ. Footsteps and faces went past. Nothing but copper in the cap.

Sister went past. Redbeard took his mouth off the mouth organ, said ‘Yum yum.’

Sister did not respond. Her Sister shoes took her past, turned her round, brought her back again, pacing thoughtfully.

‘Lost something, Yum Yum?’ said Redbeard.

Sister shook her head, turned and walked the other way. There was music, she thought. But not this music. Other music. Her mind went to Kleinzeit. Why Kleinzeit? I‘ll think about that when the time comes, she thought.

‘That’s at least iops’ worth of listening you’ve done already,’ said Redbeard. ‘All authentic ethnic material, too.’

Sister dropped 5p in the cap. ‘I was only listening with half an ear,’ she said. Hospital, please, she said to her shoes. They took her there.

After the lights were turned off in the ward Kleinzeit took his glockenspiel to the bathroom, closed the door. There was a wheelchair parked there with a hole in its seat for going to the toilet. Kleinzeit sat in the wheelchair with the glockenspiel resting partly on his knees and partly on the rim of the bathtub. He took the lid off the case. There were two beaters, but he thought it best to start with one. From a pocket of his robe he took a piece of folded notebook paper and a Japanese pen.

Right, said Kleinzeit to the beater. Find notes. The beater plinked awkwardly.

How about a little foreplay, said the glockenspiel.

Kleinzeit made foreplay with the beater.

Nice, said the glockenspiel. Do that some more. Nice.

Kleinzeit did it some more, wrote notes as he found tunes. After a time he played with both beaters. Soft silver sounds hung quivering over the bathtub.

Nice, said the glockenspiel. So nice. Aaahh!

Kleinzeit made afterplay with the beaters.

I like the way you do it, said the glockenspiel.

You’re very kind, said Kleinzeit.

Sister knocked at the door.

‘Come in,’ said Kleinzeit.

‘This is the music then,’ said Sister.

Kleinzeit shrugged modestly.

Nobody said anything. He sat in the wheelchair with his beaters. She stood by the door.

She sat down on the rim of the tub, next to the glockenspiel, facing Kleinzeit. Her right knee touched Kleinzeit’s right knee. So glad, said their knees.

She fancies me, thought Kleinzeit. No mistake. She really does. Why me? God knows. His knee began to tremble. He didn’t want to exert pressure and he didn’t want to lose ground.

Why Kleinzeit? said God to Sister.

I don’t know, said Sister. A memory came to her: when she was small she had smeared toothpaste on her eyebrows.

‘What have you done to your eyebrows then?’ her mother had said.

‘Nothing,’ said Sister from under the crusting toothpaste.

‘I don’t mind so much what you’ve done to your eyebrows,’ said her mother, ‘but don’t you be telling me you’ve done nothing or it’s to bed without supper you’ll be going. What’ve you done, then?’

‘Nothing,’ said Sister, and went to bed without supper. Her mother brought her supper to her later, but Sister never admitted the toothpaste.

Kleinzeit exerted pressure. Sister returned the pressure. Both sighed quietly. Kleinzeit nodded, then shook his head.

‘What?’ said Sister.

‘Bach-Euclid,’ said Kleinzeit.

‘Don’t worry,’ said Sister.

‘Ha,’ said Kleinzeit.

‘Do you want to know?’ said Sister.

‘No,’ said Kleinzeit, ‘but I don’t want not to know either. I wish I hadn’t come here, but if I hadn’t come here …’

Quite, said their knees.

‘When will Dr Pink tell me the results?’ said Kleinzeit.

‘Tomorrow.’

‘Do you know?’

‘No, but I can find out. Shall I?’

‘No.’ Kleinzeit squirmed in the wheelchair. It was almost tomorrow already. He had trusted his organs until they had started up with that pain … He hadn’t felt the pain for a day or more, come to think of it.

Tantara, said the distant horn. Thinking of you always. Flash: A to B.

Thank you, said Kleinzeit. Where was he? Trusting his organs, then they’d started up with that pain. Now the X-Ray machine knew what they were doing, the X-Ray machine would tell Dr Pink, and Dr Pink would tell him.

Why did you have to bring in strangers? he said to his organs.

We didn’t go running to Dr Pink, did we, said his organs. We were willing to keep it between ourselves, weren’t we.

I’d rather not discuss it, said Kleinzeit. I don’t like the tone you’re taking.

Hoity toity, said his organs. They began to tingle, ache, grow numb, and scream with pain at random. Kleinzeit hugged himself in panic. They’re not my friends, he thought. One takes it for granted that one’s organs are one’s friends, but when it comes to the crunch they seem to have no loyalty whatever.

I’m here, said Sister’s knee.

I hate you, said Kleinzeit’s knee. You’re so healthy.

Do you want me to be sick? said Sister’s knee.

No, said Kleinzeit’s knee. I didn’t mean that. Be healthy and round and beautiful. I love you.

I love you too, said Sister’s knee.

Kleinzeit put the glockenspiel on the floor, got up from the wheelchair, kissed Sister.

Morning in the Underground. Footsteps and faces thick and clamorous without speech, overlapped like fish scales, echoing in the corridors, dismantling the emptiness left standing by the night upon the platforms. The motionless stairways stirred, escalated. From the tunnels lights shot forward and the black cried out, woke Redbeard in STAFF ONLY.

Redbeard performed his morning toilet, had breakfast, packed up, came out of STAFF ONLY. He dropped sheets of yellow paper here and there, took a train to the next station, dropped more paper. He took another train, went on leaving yellow paper in tube stations well into the morning. From the last station on his route he worked his way back over the same ground looking for the sheets he had dropped.

He picked up the first one he found. It was clean on both sides.

I don’t have to write anything at all, he said to the paper. Or I might write an Elizabethan love lyric. To Phyllis, maybe.

Morrows cruel mock, said the paper.

I told you I was tired of that, said Redbeard.

Bad luck, said the paper. Morrows cruel mock.

I don’t want to, said Redbeard.

Let’s get this straight, said the paper. It isn’t what you want. It’s what I want. Right?

Right, said Redbeard.

Right, said the paper. Morrows cruel mock. That’s all for now. I’ll be in touch with you later.

Congratulations, said Hospital to Sister.

Why are you speaking to me? said Sister. We’ve never spoken before.

It never occurred to me before, said Hospital. Now it has occurred to me. Happy, happy, happy pair, eh? None but the sick deserve the fair, what? None but the pyjamaed win the tightly trousered, yes? I’ve seen you in those. I’ve noticed, zestfully. I’ve seen you out of them as well. Oh aye. None but the middle-aged pick the juicy young plums, hmm? Ho ho, ha ha. Barrumphh. Tsssss. Yes. Ahem.

Don’t kill yourself over it, said Sister.

Not at all, said Hospital. I thrive, I flourish, I am increased. Harf. Gurf. Ruk-k-k. Ah!

Good, said Sister. You must have a great deal to do, a great many demands on your time. You mustn’t let me keep you.

On the contrary, said Hospital. I keep you.

This is where I earn my living, you mean, said Sister.