Russell Hoban - Turtle Diary

The constable testified that he had come to the house at a quarter to eight on Sunday evening and found the deceased lying on the couch where we’d put her. The pathologist testified that death had been from asphyxia due to hanging and had occurred between three and four that morning.

The lady from the ticket agency testified that Miss Neap had seemed in good spirits when she last saw her on Saturday and that she’d said she might go home at the weekend, she wasn’t sure.

The lady from the funeral directors testified that Miss Neap had been last month to pay for her cremation, had said that she lived alone and it was something she wanted to take care of. Lived alone. I think Mrs Inchcliff, Mr Sandor and I all felt our faces go red at that.

Mrs Inchcliff, Mr Sandor and I swore in turn that we would speak the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth but there was little more to be said than that Miss Neap had lodged at the house for ten years, that we had last seen her alive on Saturday evening looking much as usual and had found her dead on Sunday evening with the note, the Postal Savings book, the receipt and the funeral directors’ card. Those were shown in evidence. The empty jury box seemed to fill up with blank-faced phantoms shaking their heads: Not the whole truth. But it was all we knew and all we could say. It stood there like a blind dumb thing and grew tall until its head touched the ceiling. The Coroner returned a verdict that Miss Neap had taken her own life and the court was adjourned.

The funeral directors were only a few minutes’ walk down the street from the Coroner’s Court. I wonder if Miss Neap had at some time taken the same walk. The lady who’d been at the inquest was a Mrs Mortimer. She was a handsome brown-haired woman who looked more like a theatrical wardrobe-mistress than a funeral director, she looked jolly and as if she ought to be in and out of actresses’ dressing-rooms with pins in her mouth. Here was the place, a few urns and vases in the window. Inside was a plain little reception room.

‘Everything’s in order,’ said Mrs Mortimer. ‘She’s having the “Ely”, which is a standard cremation coffin with good class fittings. It’ll be covered in purple dommett with a pink lining and she’ll be wearing a pink robe. Plate of inscription on the lid with her name, age, date of death. It isn’t right to send her off without a service, poor lady, and alone.’

‘It’s what she wanted,’ I said. Sandor nodded emphatically.

‘Do it how she wanted,’ he said.

‘That at least,’ said Mrs Inchcliff.

‘There’s just one more thing,’ said Mrs Mortimer. ‘I hate to mention it but our prices went up last week. The “Ely” is now £121.50 instead of £109.50. The rest of it’s the same: £7.00 for sanitizing and robing, £13.00 for the crematorium which includes the minister but I don’t think I can get a rebate even if there’s no service, 50p gratuity for the chappie at the crem. That comes to £142.00 instead of £130.00, so there’s £12.00 owing.’

I wrote a cheque for the additional £12.00 for the ‘Ely’. So many things have names: wedding cakes, babies’ prams, cars and coffins.

‘Thank you,’ said Mrs Mortimer. ‘We’ll have the body brought over from the mortuary. Cremation will be on Tuesday and she’ll be here at the chapel of rest until then. In her instructions she said no viewing and no flowers please.’

No viewing, no flowers, no funeral service and no one at the cremation. Well, funerals are for the living. For good or ill one sees the dead removed from the scene and the departure is final. Miss Neap having been cheated of companionship while living wished to remain an undeparted presence when dead. Fair enough.

Miss Neap had died on Sunday, this was Thursday. That made four days running Sandor’d left the bath and cooker clean.

It used to be that I stayed up till all hours and still felt time-starved, none of the day seemed to be metabolized into living. Now the minutes make me strong.

Frost this morning. Sharp it was, the air rang with it. I got up early and walked down the New King’s Road to Parsons Green. Near where William lives there was a dead cat by a bus stop, pretty well flattened out. He looked as if he’d been run over by a lorry. A grey stripy tom he was with a head like a Roman senator, one eye open, one eye shut. His whole corpse seemed expressive of the WHAM! when his life met his death. He looked as if he’d been one hundred per cent alive until the lorry closed his account in the flower of his tomcathood and his mortal remains were cheerful rather than depressing. To live with a yowl and die with a WHAM! Thinking about him whilst walking back I stopped and wrote:

Stiff but not formal

A dead cat says hello

This winter morning.

Later I’d be having lunch with George at the Aquarium: sandwiches by the salt-water tanks, the poshest spot in town. Between now and then were all kinds of minutes, all of them good. Who knew what might happen at the typewriter?

Before going up to the flat I went into the square, played hop-scotch in it just as it was, with no fountain.

Autumn kept going with fewer and fewer brown and yellow leaves until a big rain came just as it always does. Wham! Bare trees, winter, black mornings, people walking fast.

This morning near the bus stop by a tree a dead cat said hello to me. There he was, he too had gone into winter with a wham. He looked as if he’d been flying high until he was brought down. I’ve never seen such a lively-looking dead cat.

The morning had nothing special to recommend it, the shop was full of people wanting biros and greeting cards, neither of which we sell. But I felt good.

At lunch-time I bought a bottle of Moët et Chandon and went up to the Zoo. In the tube I thought about Miss Neap and Mr Sandor and Mrs Inchcliff. With no funeral to go to we’d found ourselves drawn together somehow and remembering her but not altogether mournfully. In fact we all got drunk and Sandor sang gypsy songs. Rather well too. Odd but not really. If Flora Angelica Neap was going to be an undeparted presence she’d have to share the good times as well as the bad. And I could imagine good times, why I don’t know. Nothing was different or better and I didn’t think I was either but I didn’t mind being alive at the moment. After all who knew what might happen?

Camden Town is the windiest tube station I know. Coming up on the escalator with my hair flying I felt as if I was coming out of a dark place and into the light, then I laughed because that’s what I was actually doing.

At the Aquarium I said hello to the two turtles, then opened various PRIVATE doors until I found George Fairbairn. Neaera was with him and they were eating sandwiches by the salt-water tanks. I gave George the champagne.

‘I was just passing by,’ I said, ‘and I thought I’d drop this off.’

‘Lovely,’ said George. ‘Cheers! What’s the occasion?’

‘Just that I was passing by,’ I said.

They wanted me to stay and drink it with them but I couldn’t stop. I took a taxi back to the shop, it was that kind of day.

Russell Hoban (1925–2011) was the author of many extraordinary novels including Turtle Diary, Angelica Lost and Found and his masterpiece, Riddley Walker. He also wrote some classic books for children including The Mouse and his Child and the Frances books. Born in Lansdale, Pennsylvania, USA, he lived in London from 1969 until his death.