Assaf Gavron - Almost Dead

All of us looked at the woman in surprise. She had a chubby reddish face, and a wild kind of quiff. ‘Thanks,’ said Dad, and drew the curtains back together.

Muku and Dafdaf left, then Mom and Dad. Duchi and I talked (complaints about the sons of bitches at work, especially the slippery Gvirzman) and gawped at the TV and ate. When she went to the toilet, I asked the nurse about Shuli. Still in intensive care. She had no idea what her condition was. Duchi returned and closed the curtains around us and turned on her phone, apologising about it — she had a court appearance the next day and needed to make a few calls. I watched her in admiration. Usually she had nausea and couldn’t sleep the night before she was in court. While she listened to her messages she lifted her eyes to meet mine a couple of times. ‘People are looking for you,’ she said. ‘What people?’ ‘I don’t know. Different ones. Check your phone. Maybe there’s something important.’ ‘But it’s not allowed,’ I said. She talked to Boaz about the next day’s meeting. When she hung up, her phone rang. It was for me.

‘Eitan?’ A girl I didn’t recognise.

‘Yes.’

‘Hi. I’m Yaara from the Rafi Reshef morning show on IDF Radio? How are you feeling?’

‘All right.’

‘Eitan, would you be willing to talk on tomorrow’s show? To say a few words about the attack? You’ll just tell us what happened? Like, Rafi will ask you questions and you answer?’

‘Why?’

‘To hear it from someone who was there? A victim’s angle? People are fed up with politicians? It’ll be very short? Five or six minutes?’

‘Five or six?’

‘Something like that?’

‘Uh…OK.’ I stared at Duchi, who was scrutinising me. We arranged a time and Duchi made a face.

She stayed till late. It was very quiet in the ward. She peeked outside the curtains, and then closed them. When she turned to me, her eyes were smiling.

‘Did you ever play doctors and nurses?’

But when Duchi lowered her head beneath the sheet, I couldn’t stop thinking of Shuli. She’d told me it would happen tonight, and it was happening, but not with her. She might not be alive at all, and no one wanted to tell me. She’d had a nice thought and she had given me that sad closed-mouth smile. Duchi was good, and I could feel a tear make its way down my temple. I came in silence. She wiped me and herself, gently kissed the tear, and the bump on my forehead, touched my unshaven cheek with her palm, and left.

‘How did he behave? Very naturally, Tommy. More than you’d have imagined possible. When the driver came to take him he kissed the Koran and was very relaxed. That’s the only word for it. He wasn’t tense at all. Just like I’m speaking with you now. You wouldn’t have detected anything unnatural in his behaviour.’

‘What were the final words you said to him?’

‘“God willing, we will meet in heaven. I ask God to lead me on the same path as yours.”’

‘What was his mood like?’

‘He laughed. Like I say, Tommy, he talked completely normally, like a person going off for a weekend away. Not like someone who was going to blow himself up. He was very reasonable, very natural, relaxed, smiling.’

Tommy Musari rubbed his chin, as he always does, and turned to the camera with a severe look. ‘ Noahs’ Ark , with Fahmi Omar al-Sabich. Don’t you go away during these messages!’ The audience clapped and Tommy told me I was doing fine. I drank a glass of water that a pretty woman handed me and we were back on.

‘Did the driver tell him anything on the way?’

‘No, no. The only important thing he had to remember was that the mission had to get past the checkpoints, and if he was picked up, to blow himself up immediately so that both of them would die. We might not reach our goal, but being blown up’s better than being interrogated and tortured and betraying your brothers and friends.’

‘Tortured?’ Tommy Musari looked shocked. A collective intake of breath from the audience. ‘Hm. What was he supposed to look like?’

‘He shaved his beard, cut his hair in a Western style. Sideburns. He didn’t know any Hebrew but I taught him a few words — good morning, good evening and so on. I hope he didn’t mix them up and start saying good evening to everyone!’ The audience laughed and Tommy gave me a grin.

‘ Hey, Svetlana. How are you? ’

Lulu! Get me out of here, Lulu. If this is a dream, then please wake me up…

‘ Hey, Lulu. Oh, great, more Amr Diab tapes! ’

‘ You like him? ’

‘ Well, we’re listening to him all day long so what can I do? And Fahmi likes him, so I’m trying to get into it… ’

‘ How is he? ’

‘ Well, he’s got a pretty fun life, being fed, being looked after, being massaged… ’

‘ He hasn’t opened his eyes? Talked? Moved? ’

Please, Lulu, wake me up and take me out of here. Take me to our place below the village. Take me someplace where I don’t have to remember everything.

‘ All of that, to an extent. But what else is new? How are you? How was it getting here today? ’

‘ Ppffhh…same as always. Hours. I just thank God the lot with the signs don’t know who I am. There were policemen down there just now .’

‘ But what they say about your brother, I mean, it can’t be. Did he hurt the…is he a murderer? I saw the Croc once on Noah’s Ark…’

Oh, Noah’s Ark. Of course…

‘Isn’t it difficult to walk with the belt on you?’

‘Very simple, actually, Tommy. When you believe in the cause and in your mission, it’s easy to act naturally. You laugh and listen to the radio, you smoke cigarettes. If the belt weighed twenty-five or thirty kilos, as your defence minister Mofaz says after every attack, yeah, it might have been difficult to carry. But come on, Shaul Mofaz, does anybody take him seriously?’ Tommy Musari made a ‘what do you think?’ face and the audience burst out laughing. ‘Exactly. But with ten to fifteen kilos, it’s fine.’

‘Before he presses the button, he says “ Allah Hu Akbar ”?’

‘No. It’s too dangerous. Allah is Akbar without his having to say it. It’s just a myth.’

‘And how does he pay for the bus ride?’

‘If the mission involves a bus I check the details — how much the fare is, if there’s a discount for students or soldiers…’

‘Is there a discount for Hamas soldiers?’ The audience roared with laughter again. I joined in. Tommy was feeling good about himself.

‘Tell me, if he sits on the bus and an old lady gets on, would he get up for her?’ The audience were on the floor.

‘’Cos you gotta help the aged, right?’

‘ It’s boring in the village. Nothing happens. I’m fed up. When you get better maybe you could come back? I sit on my rock for hours, just looking down at the plain. And Father’s sadder than I’ve ever seen him. He hardly speaks. You have to come back. For me .’

I can see the beach but I can’t reach it. Something is pulling me away.

‘ Cousin Nizrin’s getting married next month. To Mustafa. He’s a chemistry teacher at the university. She’ll have to move to Kalkilya. But he wants to go to study in Dubai. Are you interested in this at all? ’

Don’t stop, Lulu, please. I love your voice so much.

‘ Are you there, Fahmi? How come you never answer? You look so…well. Svetlana showed me the shrapnel on the X-ray. So tiny. If she hadn’t shown me I wouldn’t have noticed. The size of a spectacle screw. Just a speck on your forehead .’