T. Boyle - The Inner Circle

That year march came in like a lamb and went out like a lamb too, and I found myself doing double duty in Prok’s office and his garden alike. The mild weather seemed to invigorate him (as if a man of his almost superhuman energy needed invigoration), getting him out of doors as much as possible on weekends and particularly on Sundays. He’d had a strict Methodist upbringing that caused him all sorts of adolescent torment with regard to his natural urges, and once he’d discovered science and applied a phylogenetic approach to human behavior, he became rabidly a-religious and made a point of working his garden while the rest of Bloomington was at church. By the end of the month it was warm enough so that he was able to work bare-chested and in shorts, and he encouraged me to do the same. Eventually, as the days warmed into late spring and summer, we would both habitually work as near to naked as was decently possible — but I’m getting ahead of myself here.

I remember that month distinctly as a time when I felt at peace with myself in a way I hadn’t for a long while, if ever. There was the constant attention of Prok, his gentle prodding, his instruction, the feeling of mutuality as we sat in silence, bent over our desks, the sense of getting in on the ground floor of something revolutionary and exciting. There were nature hikes — he and Mac took me and the children to Lake Monroe, Bluespring Caverns, Clear Creek, for rambles in the patchwork of fields and forest out back of their house, Prok all the while lecturing on the geology of the soil, on the weeds and wildflowers that had begun to spring up in the clearings or the first of the migratory birds to reappear — and I remember too the enveloping peace of the dinner table and the hearth. It felt good to be with them, good just to be there. Mac simply took to preparing an extra portion any time I was working in the garden or we returned from one of our rambles, and the more I protested that I was putting them out, that I didn’t want to be a pest or nuisance, the more the two of them went out of their way to reassure me. It got to the point where I was spending more time at the Kinseys’ than at Mrs. Lorber’s, and Paul, who’d been the rock of my world for the past three years — my dearest and closest friend on campus — began to joke that the only time he saw me anymore was when I was asleep. He had Betsy, I had Prok and Mac. It was only inevitable that we should grow apart.

It was around this time that I did something of which I’m not particularly proud, but which should be reported here, just to set the record straight. Or rather keep it straight. After all, what is the point of this exercise — of this remembrance of things past — if I’m not going to be absolutely candid? I have nothing to hide. I’m a different person now than I was when I stepped into that marriage course, and I wouldn’t change anything that’s happened, not for the world.

At any rate, I was an apt pupil — I’ve always been good with puzzles and ciphers — and I learned Prok’s code in record time. Within two or three weeks I had it memorized. One afternoon — it was midweek and Prok had driven up to Indianapolis to address the faculty of a private school on the subject of the sexual outlets available to adolescents, and, not coincidentally, to collect as many histories as he could, of both staff and student body — I found myself alone in the office, transcribing coded histories from Prok’s notation sheets to a larger format for the files so that we could calculate the incidence of various behaviors for statistical analysis (in Prok’s system, a single encrypted sheet contained as much as twenty pages of information; eventually, of course, this information would have to be collated, at first by hand, and then, after we got our Hollerith tabulating machine, on punch cards). Initially, the work seemed exciting — the subject was sex, after all — but on this day, with these histories, which were of undergraduate men not much different from the one-hundred-percent group I’d managed to get him from my rooming house, it was pretty pedestrian. There had been some (limited) experimentation with other boys and farm animals, furtive masturbation, little coital experience but a good dose of petting, deep kissing and (again limited) forays into oral-genital contact. My hand ached from clutching the pen. My fingertips were stained with ink. I stifled a yawn.

I don’t know what came over me or how the idea even sprang into my head, but I found myself looking through Prok’s desk for the secondary code, the one that gave the key to the identities of all the individuals in his files — a code he was distinctly chary of sharing with me or anyone else, for security’s sake. If his subjects weren’t absolutely assured of anonymity, the vast majority of them would never have given up their histories in the first place. Security was the cornerstone of the project — then, as it is now. But when I actually had that code in my hand, I couldn’t help noticing certain correspondences with the interview code (imagine a kind of reinvented shorthand, conflating abbreviations, scientific symbols and the markers of the stenographer’s code into a new sort of encryption), and once I hit on those correspondences I couldn’t help my mind from leaping ahead. In brief, it took me less than an hour to break the secondary code, and when I had it, when I held the key to all the files in my hand, I couldn’t help using it. I couldn’t. I just couldn’t resist.

In later years, when Prok was the single most recognized person in this country outside of the president himself, when he appeared on the cover of Time magazine and the press couldn’t get enough of him, the most frequent question put to him concerned his own sex life, and he would invariably answer that he had contributed his history to the project as so many thousands of others had and that it would remain anonymous just as theirs would. That, of course, was true, and only we of the inner circle came to know the details of that sex life firsthand — we were sworn to secrecy, because the fabric of all of our lives would have unraveled if any of it got out — but on that sleepy afternoon with an over-active sun poking through the blinds and big droning flies sailing obliviously over the racks of preserved wasps, Dr. Kinsey’s was the first file I went to, and after his, it was Mac’s.

I stood there at the filing cabinet, my breath coming in shallow gulps, the manila folder spread open before me. Every other second I stole a glance over my shoulder, ready to slip the file back in place at the first hint of a sound from the outer office. I was keyed up, yes, but riveted too. Here was Prok’s history, right here in my hand, his deepest nature revealed in the most elemental way: he had my history, and now I had his, and it was unlike anything I’d anticipated.

As a boy Prok had been even more awkward and shy than I, not at all interested in organized athletics or social activities of any kind, and to compensate for a system weakened by early bouts with rickets, typhoid and rheumatic fever, he took to nature, hiking and exploring obsessively till he’d built himself into the fit and vigorous man I knew (though he never lost his pronounced stoop, a result of double curvature of the spine). He was an Eagle Scout. He masturbated compulsively. His father was a religious moralist. Until he was well into his twenties — older than I — he never had a mature and satisfying sexual experience, and that came only after his marriage to Clara.

And here was where his history got interesting. Though the honeymoon involved a long and arduous early-summer hiking trip through the White Mountains during which he and his bride were forced together in the close proximity of their tent each night, the marriage wasn’t consummated till some months on. The delay, as I was later to learn, was a result both of their inexperience and a slight physiological impediment with regard to Clara’s hymen, which was unusually thick (added to the fact that Prok’s penis was a good deal larger than normal). I pictured their mutual embarrassment, their prudery, their lack of knowledge or insight, envisioned them kissing and stroking and wrestling in their sleeping bags and tents, on the cots in the summer camp where they served as counselors in July and August of that year, and then back at home in their first rental in Bloomington, nothing gained but frustration. After three months of marriage, sex still remained a mystery for them — it wasn’t until a surgical procedure relieved Mac’s discomfiture that they were finally able to achieve coitus. Prok was twenty-eight at the time.