Karl Knausgaard - Dancing in the Dark

Nils Erik had a temperature and was on the sofa, there was no question of him having beer or eggs, so it was left to Tor Einar and me to do them justice.

‘Shall we go down to the beach?’ Tor Einar said, eyeing me with that knowing grin of his. ‘It’s such fantastic weather.’

‘Can do,’ I said.

I had never quite found the right tone with Tor Einar. We were the same age and had a good deal in common, much more than I and Nils Erik had, but it didn’t help, it was irrelevant. I always assumed a role when I was with Tor Einar, which wasn’t the case with Nils Erik, and I didn’t like myself when I did, when there was a distance between the person I was and what I said, a kind of delay that allowed space for calculations, as if I wanted to say what he preferred to hear rather than what I had to say or talk about.

On the other hand, that is how I was with almost everyone, in fact it had even become like that with Jan Vidar, who was the closest friend I’d had for the last five years.

It wasn’t a problem, just rather unpleasant, and the only consequence was that by and large I tried to avoid being on my own with Tor Einar for any period of time.

Now this was not possible. Luckily, though, we had beer with us as we trudged down to the beach, it would only take a couple of bottles before such problems disappeared like blackboard chalk beneath a wet sponge.

Under the deep blue sky, beside the water, with the sun playing on it, we both sat down on a rock. Tor Einar opened a beer and passed it to me, opened one for himself, winked and said skål .

‘Now we’re laughing, eh!’ he said. ‘Last day of school, the sun’s shining and we’ve got enough beer for a long night.’

‘Yes,’ I said.

Some fishing boats were chugging shoreward, bobbing up and down on the waves in the middle of the fjord, with a trail of gulls behind them.

What a scene.

‘Let’s sum up then, shall we?’ said Tor Einar.

‘Regarding the school year?’ I said, producing a pouch of tobacco.

‘Yes,’ he said. ‘Has it fulfilled our expectations?’

‘I didn’t have any, I don’t think,’ I said. ‘I just came up here and hoped for the best. But you? Are you happy with the year?’

He hesitated.

‘Every year without a girlfriend is a bad year,’ he said, squinting into the sunlight. Then he turned to me.

‘You had a couple of adventures anyway. Ine and Irene? And that temp on Fugleøya, what was her name? Anne?’

‘Yes,’ I said. ‘But it didn’t work out. Actually nothing worked out.’

‘Didn’t you have them?’

‘No.’

‘Not one of them?’

‘No.’

He stared at me in disbelief. ‘And there was me going round thinking at least one of us had struck lucky this year. Then you tell me you didn’t either.’

I looked at him and smiled, clinked my bottle against his, drank the last drop, opened another.

‘Who did you have your eye on?’ I said.

‘Tone,’ he said.

That was the girl who had rejected my approach while she was brushing her teeth.

‘Yes, she’s nice, she is,’ I said. ‘I had a go at her as well, but she wasn’t at all interested.’

‘No, it’s not easy,’ he said. ‘But I’ve got a chance. We’re going inter-railing together. Well, not just us two, there are four others as well, but, Jesus, a month travelling together through Europe, surely there’s got to be a chance.’

‘You’re inter-railing?’

He nodded.

‘Me too,’ I said. ‘Well, it’s not inter-railing. I’m going to hitch down through Europe with a friend after the Roskilde Festival.’

‘Then I’ll do my best to avoid you,’ he said. ‘I don’t want to warm her up and prime her just so that you can take over.’

‘You must have a very high opinion of my qualities as a seducer,’ I said. ‘If there’s one thing I can’t do, it’s that.’

‘My strategy is to be present,’ he said. ‘That’s the only chance I have. Amble along behind her like a dog, always be there, and then hope she’ll cuddle me sooner or later.’

I shuddered. ‘That’s a terrifying image.’

‘Yes, it is, but it’s true.’

‘That’s why it’s so terrifying. There’s a bit of the doggie about me as well.’

He stuck out his tongue and panted heavily a few times.

‘Anyone else you’ve been trotting along behind this year?’ I said.

‘Liv,’ he said, staring straight at me.

‘Liv?’ I said.

‘Yes,’ he said. ‘All the girls of our age have left the village. But she’s unbelievably pretty. Don’t you think?’

‘Yes,’ I said with a smile. ‘Have you seen her body? Her bum?’

‘Oh yes,’ he said. ‘She’s fantastic. Camilla is not bad either.’

‘No, that’s true,’ I said. ‘But at least Liv’s sixteen. Camilla’s only fifteen.’

‘Who gives that a second thought?’ he said.

‘You’re right there.’

We opened another beer. He smiled, his face was bathed in sunlight.

‘Her breasts,’ he said. ‘Have you seen them?’

‘Naturally,’ I said. ‘I’ve hardly looked at anything else in the lessons with them.’

‘She is pretty. But she can’t beat Liv.’

‘No,’ I said.

I turned and gazed into the distance. A car was coming up the hill from the fish hall, further along the road a child was holding a stick and hitting the poles used to demarcate the edge of the road in deep snow. A seagull was sitting on the ridge of our roof and surveying the scene.

‘And then there’s Andrea,’ I said.

‘Yes,’ he said.

‘She’s a real stunner too. Have you seen her?’

‘Yes.’

‘Actually, I’ve thought a lot about her,’ I said.

‘I can imagine,’ he said.

‘What else could we do?’ I said. ‘They were the only ones around!’

We laughed and said skål .

‘She’s got such incredible eyes,’ I said. ‘And what long legs she has.’

‘Yes. What about Vivian then?’

‘Nothing compared to her sister.’

‘No, that’s true. But she has something. A charm of her own.’

‘Yes.’

‘What do you think would happen if anyone heard this conversation?’ I said.

He shrugged.

‘We’d never get a teaching job again. That’s for sure.’

He laughed and raised his bottle to me.

‘A skål for schoolgirls!’ he said.

‘ Skål! ’ I said.

‘What about their mothers then?’ he said.

‘I’ve never thought about them.’

‘Haven’t you?’

‘Have you ?’

‘Oh yes, of course I have.’

‘I think I might have been a little in love with Andrea,’ I said.

‘I had a soft spot for her too,’ he said. ‘But I wasn’t in love. Liv, on the other hand. She brightened my days.’

‘Yes,’ I said. ‘But it’s good it’s all over.’

‘Yes,’ he said.

The next day I packed my things, taped up the cardboard boxes again and carried them to Nils Erik’s car. He was going to drive me down to the express boat quay in Finnsnes, where I would have them sent to Bergen. Apart from the new stereo, some records and quite a few books, my belongings were identical to those that had come up the year before.

Once that was done I fried some sausages and potatoes, which I ate with Nils Erik in the kitchen. This was my last meal in the village. Nils Erik would be staying on for a few more weeks, he was planning to spend the time walking, and except for my bedroom, which I lightly dusted, he would see to cleaning the house.

‘I’ll keep the deposit on the bottles as my reward,’ he said with a smile. ‘It’ll tot up.’

‘OK,’ I said. ‘Shall we go then?’