Geoff Nicholson - Gravity’s Volkswagen

“ So what do you call that thing? ”

“ A Boby .”

“ You’re from Paraguay, right? ”

Baja:literally ‘lower’ in Spanish, referring here to a type of Beetle modified for use in Baja California, a long peninsula of land in far-western Mexico, directly below the American state of California. The territory is mostly rugged desert, and the scene of gruelling off-road races such as the Baja 500 and 1000. Baja Beetles are raised up, given heavy-duty suspension, big wheels and tyres. The wings and front and rear aprons are reduced or sawn off to accommodate the changes, and the rear deck lid is removed to leave the engine exposed.

Cal-Look:Abbreviation of ‘California Look’, a style of Beetle-customising originating in Southern California and spreading worldwide. Some sources date it back to the 1950 s, and it continues to this day, but the 1980 sseem to have been its heyday.

Typically a Cal-Look Beetle has been lowered, dechromed, had its bumpers removed, occasionally chopped, channelled and frenched, often with nonstandard replacement wheels, preferably from a Porsche. The aim is to create a sleeker, more streamlined object. Paintwork tends to be ultra smooth and glossy, in primary colours, sometimes two-tone.

Resto-Cal is a less radical version of the look, retaining the integrity of the original car, and sometimes going overboard on period accessories.

(The terms lowered, chopped, channelled and trenched can be found in any basic book on car-customising.)

“ Man, that shocking pink Beetle of yours would really look the business in Malibu, but don’t you think it might be a bit Cal-Look for Doncaster? ”

Dune Buggy:a kind of recreational, Beetle-based kit car. The original body is removed and replaced with a lightweight, open, fibreglass shell. Usually more at home on the beach than in the serious sand-dunes, though Charles Manson was a big fan.

“ So, Chas, do you really think we can fight the Apocalypse in a bunch of clapped-out dune buggies? ”

“ Helter skelter, bitch .”

KdF-Wagen:Kraft durch Freude Wagen, in German literally the ‘Strength-through-Joy Car’, the original form of the Beetle in Nazi Germany.

“ Hey, Fritz, can you really afford to pay in full, in advance, for a KdF-Wagen that you still don’t have a delivery date for? ”

“ It’s a struggle, I admit .”

Kubelwagen:literally German for ‘Bucket Car’, also sometimes Kubel, Kubelsitz, Kubelsitzer, the name of the military ‘jeep’ style conversion based on the prewar KdF-Wagen and used in World War II. The bodywork was made by a coachbuilder called, I just love this, Trutz of Gotha.

Nerf Bar:‘nerf’ is US slang for low-impact crash, equivalent to the English ‘prang’, so a nerf bar was originally a piece of tubular metal, found on old-style racing cars in the States, there as protection during side-on collisions. Today they’re found on all sorts of sports vehicles, and on off-road Beetles they sometimes replace the front and rear bumpers.

“ Me, I don’t worry about a little nerf now that I’ve got my nerf bars .”

Rat Rod:form of customised hot rod, not necessarily a Beetle, that has the look of an unrestored or unfinished car. Bodywork tends to be battered, or rusted, or in some cases partially absent.

Fans claim it’s a triumph of function over form, but in fact the rat rod has an aesthetic that’s as clearly defined as any other design form.

“ Hey, man, that rod looks really rad. Or do I mean rat? ”

“ Whatever .”

Sandrail:a more serious dune buggy or off-road vehicle, often with no body whatsoever but just a tubular roll cage, and a deeply forgiving suspension that allows it to go airborne as it goes over sand-dunes and lands spectacularly on the other side.

Street Sleeper:a car that on the surface looks ordinary, or less than ordinary, but beneath the humble exterior has mechanics that deliver awesome performance.

“ Hey, mate, why’d you drive a street sleeper’? ”

“ Allegory, innit? ”

Schwimmwagen:the Type 166, the amphibious form of the Kubelwagen, able to operate in and on water, with a modified crankshaft that can be disengaged from the rear wheels and connected to a propeller.

Tranny: slang for transmission, aka gear box.

♦

Zwitterkafer: literally in German ‘Hermaphrodite beetle’, though with the sense of having two uses or being constructed from two different things. The term describes Beetles built in late 1952 and early 1953, with parts from the old Split-Window Beetle, alongside those from the newer Oval. Might also refer to a Beetle driven by an English novelist dressed in women’s clothing.

“ What’s with the tranny in that Zwitterkafer’? ”

The Phallicist

Bob Pettit is an average man: average height, average weight, with an average income, average job and a perfectly averagely sized penis. However, like all men, he certainly wishes he had a little extra in the phallus department.

And then one day his wish starts to come true. His penis begins to get larger, pleasingly at first, then exponentially, then monstrously. He ceases to be a man with a penis and becomes a penis with a man attached.

A savage satire on male desire, potency and inadequacy, and a timely warning about getting too much of what we want. Based on a true story.

Letters to Thurston

The year is 1982 and in a boring northern town sixteen-year-old Steve Sterling, sits in his bedroom, practises electric guitar, and listens to the first Sonic Youth album. The music speaks to him and he sends a fan letter to guitarist Thurston Moore, expressing his love of the band and letting out all his personal teenage angst.

Over the years his life progresses — college, drug experimentation, first love, a job, a failed marriage, the death of all his hopes and dreams. And at each crucial stage there’s a Sonic Youth album that seems uncannily to match his situation. With each new release he sends Thurston Moore a further confessional letter.

Now as his life spins out of control he decides he must journey to America, track down Thurston Moore, talk to him face to face. Naturally he takes his electric guitar with him. But will it end in an avant-garde free-jazz noise jam or in tragedy?

A bittersweet meditation on the nature of music, mortality and unrequited fandom.

The Million-Martini Lunch

Part memoir, part travelogue, in which Ian Black-water scours the world — New York, Sarajevo, Alice Springs, to name but a few — in search of the perfect martini.

He starts at Julio Richelieu’s saloon in Martinez, California, where the drink was invented in the late nineteenth century (or was it?). And he goes on to limn the history, the fascination and multiple meanings of the drink sometimes called the silver bullet.

A protean meditation on what we drink, why we drink and what it tells us about who we are. Black-water discovers some startling and disturbing truths about the martini — and himself!

Beetamorphosis

“Greg Wintergreen woke from uneasy dreams to find himself transformed into a giant Volkswagen Beetle…”

So begins this artful, yet playful, pastiche of Kafka’s great work.

A brilliant jeu d’esprit and a long-awaited follow-up to Ian Blackwater’s cult hit novel Volkswagens and Velociraptors .