Irvine Welsh - A Decent Ride

— Work bit, aye, work, ye cannae turn it doon, Karen, no whin it’s jist the yin bus, aye sur, cause the Inch is usually two buses, aye sur, two buses. One intae the Bridges fae Gorgie, n the other aw the wey oot tae the Inch. Same road as Penicuik, sur, but no as far oot as the Cuik; naw sur, naw sur, naw sur.

— Ah ken that, Jonty. Ah ken the Inch is jist the one bus away, she sais. One ay hur teeth is aw deid, like nearly black. Ah dinnae ken if they kin sort it. But that’s no as bad as eatin American food. It’s awright for Americans; they kin git aw fat cause they live in big hooses n sit in big cars, like oan the telly oan Fullum Station Fower. Aye sur, ye see thum aw oan thaire.

Then ah’m thinkin thit ah’ve jist enough for ma fare so ah gits up. — Ah’m away!

— No steyin fir yir sausage roll? Karen’s mooth sortay hings open, but her eyes are kinday half shut.

— Nup. Huv tae nash. Aye sur.

Karen isnae happy cause she’s walked intae toon earlier, tae git they sausage rolls, n by toon ah mean Penicuik, no Edinburgh, cause that’s way too far for Karen tae walk. But see if Karen did that, it wid git some fat oaffay her. Wid it no though! — But ah goat this aw special, fae Greggs!

— Naw, huv tae nash, n ah’m headin oot.

— But it’ll go tae waste!

— Naw it willnae, no in this hoose, you ken that. Eat thum baith. . Ah opens the door.

— How kin ah eat thum baith?! she screams, but ye ken she will, aye sur, ye ken she will.

— Gie it tae Ma, well!

— She’s goat two already, Karen squeals.

But ah gits ootside n nashes tae the bus stoap. Nae time tae waste! Barry, cause this is a bus comin, jist in time, headin fir toon. Aye sur, right intae toon, but it passes the Inch n that’s where ah’m gittin oaf. So ah gits intae the flat n Raymond Gittings is thaire. — Hi, Raymond, hiya, pal!

— Jonty, ma wee mate! Mr Reliable! Kent ah could count on you, Raymond goes n takes me aroond.

But ma hert’s gaun awfay bad cause Raymond just said what wee Jinty eywis said. That ah wis mair reliable than other laddies, that ah nivir did wrong, that she could ey count oan me.

N look at how that ended up. Jinty aw cauld, n ah cannae say the word, especially no that word thit means yir no comin back, that ‘D’ word, cause ah keep waitin fir wee Jinty tae wake up but ah ken, ken in this bad hert, that she’s no really gaunny wake up, n now that smell, that awfay, awfay smell. Aye sur, aye sur, aye sur, aye sur.

N Raymond is sayin that as soon as we git they flats done n painted, they kin git money fir the rent fae them, so we really huv tae go. It’s gaunny make it difficult wi The Pub Wi Nae Name but at least in the night ye kin avoid aw they mooths ay spite. Aye sur, ah cannae be daein wi mooths ay spite. Naw, ah cannot.

N ah starts, n ah’m pittin oan the paint in smooth, even strokes, n ah’m thinkin thit if ah could git a nice colour ay paint ah wid paint Jinty a different colour tae that blue. Cause thaire wis a lassie in a James Bond fullum once thit goat painted gold, n that’s what Jinty deserves: tae be painted gold, cause maist ay the time, when she didnae go doon that Pub Wi Nae Name, or take that bad stuff in her nose, she wis as good as gold.

N before ah ken it, Raymond Gittings is below me, cause ah’m quite high up oan this ledder, n eh’s gaun, — Wow. . that’s incredible, Jonty. Ah cannae believe yuv done aw that. Amazin. There’s gonny be an extra fiver fir ye! Ye awright up thaire, Jonty? Hi! Yir no greetin ur ye?

Ah climbs doon. — Naw sur, it’s just the fumes, ah goes but ah am sortay greetin, cause ah do greet in secret when somebody’s that nice tae me like Raymond eywis is. So ah cleans up n gits the buses, two buses, right ower tae Gorgie.

Ah steys oan past ma hoose, past The Pub Wi Nae Name, past even the McDonald’s. Ah go tae the garage n gits the gold paint. It only comes in they spray cans but. The boy asks me what ah want it fir, n ah goes it’s tae paint a full-sized statue. The boy sais that ah’ll need half a dozen n that it’s no the best ay bargains, but ah’d huv tae go tae a trader or order gold paint. Ah goes, naw ah need it now but. It takes maist ay ma wages but it’s worth it.

The good thing is that ah’ve still goat enough for a McNuggets fir ma tea. Ah nivir goat a lunch brek wi aw thon paintin, so ah gits it now. Ah counts the McNuggets, n thaire’s fourteen. Ah’m sittin thaire when ah looks up n sees ma cousin Malky standin in front ay ays. — Hello, Jonty! Was walking by and I looked in the window and saw you sitting there, n eh looks roond aw uncomfortable.

— Hiya, Malky! Ye gaunny git something for yir tea?

— Eh. . no, I’m meeting a friend from the taxi trade for a quick pint over in the BMC club. Of course, it can get a wee bit coorse ower in that neck ay the woods, Jonty, so we won’t be staying for long. No, we’re heading for the Magnum, in the New Town. They serve a nice breaded chicken dish, eh looks at ma McNuggets, — proper chicken, and I expect tae find a decent haddock fillet on offer!

— Haddock fullet. .

— We’re going to be joined by Derek Anstruther, he touches his nose, — a friend, who is, shall we say, privy to certain information about the goings-on over the road, n eh nods ootside.

— In the BMC?

— No! The stadium, Tynecastle!

— Ryan Stevenson’s goat barry tattoos oan his neck.

— Aw aye, they’re certainly colourful, ah’ll gie ye that!

— Naw but it’s really sair tae git them done thaire so it shows that Ryan Stevenson must be tough. So if ah wis pickin a midfield player, ah’d pick Ryan Stevenson cause it means he’d be tough!

— Sound logic, Jonty! What’s that in yir bag? Eh picks up one ay the tins ay spray can. — Ah hope you’re no one of these graffiti artists we hear aw aboot, Jonty! Jonts in the hood!

— Naw sur, naw sur, naw ah’m not, n we fair huv a laugh at that yin, me n Malky, aye we do, n eh asks eftir muh ma n Karen n Hank, n then eh goes away tae the BMC. Aye, but we fair hud a laugh!

But by the time ah finish ma tea n get doon the road n inside the flat, it feels aw cauld n lonely. Cause the laugh’s aw worn oaf. That’s what happens, ye git a laugh, then the laugh wears oaf n it’s no funny any mair. Cause it’s cauld.

Jinty.

Sorry, Jinty, sorry, darlin, but ah huv tae git ye oot ay the hoose now. Ah’m no wantin the jile, Jinty, cause ay the smell, aw naw sur, naw sur, naw sur, no the jile. Naw, naw, naw, no eftir what happened tae yir ain faither, Maurice, how funny he went.

Ah’ve goat some mince in the fridge fae Morrisons, Jinty, aye sur, some mince sur. The morn ah’ll take oaf the grease n make it wi some peas n mash up some tatties. Hame-cooked meal! Ye cannae eat oot in McDonald’s restaurants aw the time, Jinty, cause yir no wantin people tae think yir aw snobby jist cause yuv goat a joab. N it’s barry tae eat real tatties sometimes. That wis one thing ah ey liked aboot ye Jinty: a loat ay lassies ur awfay lazy in the kitchen but you ey peeled a tattie. Aye, ye wirnae feart tae peel a tattie. If they said tae ays, ‘Is your Jinty a guid cook?’ Ah’d go, ‘Aye, she’s no feart tae peel a tattie, naw sur, she is not.’

Aye, Jinty wis as good as gold, maist ay the time, so she needs tae be gold. So ah pits aw the auld newspapers n they plastic bags Ma gied ays, n pit thum doon oan the flair. N then ah lifts Jinty oot the bed n lowers her gently oantae them. Ah goes through n gits the shower cap she ey wore, n pits Jinty’s hair in it soas no as tae git paint oan it. Jinty wis ey fussy aboot her hair. Then ah starts sprayin slowly. First her heid in the shower cap, then ower her face, her neck, her airms, tits, belly, then another can, her thighs, knees, shins n feet. Ah does as much ay the sides as ah kin git. Then ah brings the heater through n switches it oan fill, so that the paint’ll dry.