Irvine Welsh - A Decent Ride

‘Aye, ah do,’ ah’d go.

‘Ah ken ye dae,’ she wid whisper, n gie ays a kiss. Aye, awfay soft warm skin. It was barry-barry.

— Mind when ye first made they frozen pizzas, Karen? Ma goes.

— Aye. . Karen sais, sortay gittin a beamer.

— Ye nivir took thum oot ay the cellophane packet before ye pit thum in the oven!

— Cellophane packet, ah goes. — Aye, cellophane.

— That wis yonks ago! Ah wis a wee lassie!

— Aye, Ma sais, n it’s like her face has goat tight n it sortay looks like Ma again. — Tried tae kid oan it wis meant tae be like that. Ah goes, what’s this? Ye nivir took thum oot the packet! Jonty ey kent tae take thum oot the packet!

— Aye, but she took thum oot they packet, ah goes, — it wis jist the cellophane she forgoat tae take oaf, eh, Karen?

— Aye she did! Ma sortay sings.

— Aw aye, ah’m that useless, me, ay. Ah cannae dae nowt right, ay, Karen sais aw angry, n she goes oot.

— Karen. . Ma sais. — Go eftir her, son, tell hur wir jist huvin a laugh. We ey hud a laugh, ay, Jonty? Ay, we used tae huv a laugh?

— Aye, Ma. Ah kisses her.

— Mind n eat, Jonty. Make sure that yin cooks fir ye. That yin yir kippin up wey in toon!

— Aye, Ma, aye, Ma, ah goes n heads doonstairs.

But it’s a long time since wi hud a laugh here. It’s aw different now. Dinnae get me wrong: the frozen pizza wis barry, but ah’m jist gled tae leave wi they plastic bags n head back intae the city. Aye, ah am.

Karen’s standin ootside, waving ays doon the street. — Mind if she doesnae come back, Jonty, yir auld room!

But ah kids oan ah disnae hear n nivir looks back till ah gits tae the bus stoap. She’s gaun inside cause her airms wir gittin awfay pink wi the cauld. Aye sur, awfay, awfay pink. Ah sees Phill Cross, fae the skill, standin thaire. — Livin in the toon now, Jonty, or so ah hear.

— Aye sur, aye sur, Gorgie, sur, ah goes. — Ah’m a city boy now!

— Dead cosmopolitan now, Jonty mate!

— Aw aye, cosmopolitan, sur, ah ah’m that, ah goes, n ah sees the big maroon bus comin n it disnae look like naebody is sittin in the upstairs front windae. Barry! N Phill goes up the back, which is good cause ah dinnae want tae talk tae anybody, cause ah need tae think through aw this bad stuff. It’s terrible, aye it is, whin bad stuff happens. It’s aw cause me n Jinty hudnae done it in a while. That makes fellys ride anything. Makes thum stray. That’s what Jinty used tae say: ah’ll huv tae gie you it the night, Jonty MacKay, or yi’ll be chasing other lassies aw around Edinbury!

But ah nivir did that. Jist at the wee skill, in the playgroond. But that disnae count. Aye.

Ah’m oan the bus n yin ay the phones in ma poakit goes oaf. It’s usually Jinty’s, wi one ay her mates; ah jist huv her yin oan vibrate now, n ah ignore it. But this time it’s ma phone, so ah picks it up n it’s Hank. Eh tells ays that Malky, ma cousin, hus goat him n me intae the hospitality suite at Tynecastle fir the midweek game. Ah’m aw excited aboot that! Me! In the hoaspitality!

By the time ah git back tae the flat, even though ah feel awfay tired, ah cannae sleep. Jinty isnae gaunny wake, so ah watches they auld fullums oan Fullum Station Fower late at night, like we eywis dae. Bit it’s borin oan yir ain, ah’m too feart tae go intae that room n sleep wi Jinty thaire. Aye sur, that ah am. So ah gits the spare duvet through n pits it ower masel, n ah’m sortay watchin the telly in the chair.

Then before ah ken it, it’s aw light, n ma mooth’s aw dry n thaire’s lassies oan the telly showin ye how tae bake cakes, aye they ur that. The cakes look good, aye sur they dae, but they wid nivir lit lassies thit couldnae bake oan the telly. Naw sur, they widnae dae that. Thaire wid be nae point. They’d need tae gie thum a wee test first tae make sure they could bake. No wantin a lassie that cannae bake. No oan the telly. Aye.

Ah gits up n pushes the duvet back. Thaire’s a gungy taste in ma mooth, n ah’m shiverin, n the cupboard n the fridge ur bare n the windaes ur that iced up thit they wilnae open, tae let oot some ay the smell fae the hoose. Ah’m gittin hungry but, like it’s worms eatin at ma guts. Nae point botherin Jinty, cause wir no speakin, so ah heads oot tae McDonald’s tae git ma breakfast. Aye sur, that might stoap us shiverin.

People say aw McDonald’s ur the same but ah reckon thit the yin in Gorgie is the best oot aw the McDonald’s. Aye. The yins in the toon urnae as good: people too stuck-up, they dinnae talk tae ye, no like in Gorgie. So ah walks doon tae the street tae git ma Chicken McNuggets. Barry. N it fair stoaped the shiverin! That it did! Aye, thaire wis still room eftir fir an Eftir Eight McFlurry but they didnae huv any, jist the ordinary McFlurries. — How is it thit thaire’s nae Eftir Eight McFlurries? ah goes tae the lassie, her wi the spoats.

— It wis jist a promo thing, the lassie goes, — a limited time only.

— Ah fair liked that. The Eftir Eight Mint McFlurry.

— Naw bit it wis jist a promotion. It’s aw stoaped now.

— Aye. . aye. . aye, the Eftir Eight Mint McFlurry.

— Stoaped now.

— Eftir Eight Mint McFlurry. Aye, ah fair enjoyed that awright, ah tells hur, — did ah no, but!

— It’s stoaped now but. Limited time only. They jist wanted tae pit thum oan for a limited time tae see if thaire wis demand. Limited time.

— Will they pit thum back oan again?

— Ah suppose. If thaire wis demand fae folk.

— How dae ye demand?

— Dunno. . Grace! She shouts another lassie ower. A lassie wi nice big white teeth. Aye sur, awfay white teeth. — Jetulmin here wants tae ken whin the Eftir Eight Mint McFlurry’s gonny be back. Telt um it wis limited time but if folk demanded it they might bring it back.

— That’s right, the new lassie, a supervisor lassie, goes. The other lassie goes n sees tae an awfay fat boy whae wants a double cheeseburger n Coke. Nae chips fir the boy, but. Ah thoat eh’d want chips, ken wi him bein awfay fat. But ye cannae say nowt tae the boy. The likes ay Jinty, she wid say: ‘You no huvin chips? Ah thoat the likes ay you wid be wantin chips!’ Aye she wid. But that’s how ye git in trouble, openin yir mooth n sayin bad things tae folk. Ah looks at the supervisor lassie. — Is thaire a wee bit ay paper ah huv tae sign?

— What?

— Soas they kin tell ah liked it? Ah mean, how ur they gaunny ken?

— They jist do.

— But like, how kin they?

— Ah’m sorry, sir, but ah’ve no goat time tae talk aboot it, she goes. — Next please!

Ah suppose they wir awfay busy. But ah’m daein the paintin the day, which ah nearly forgot aboot! So ah’d better jildy! Ah eats up quick n heads fir the door. Ah passes the boy wi the double cheeseburger n Coke. Eh’s no touched ehs cheeseburger. — Yuv no touched yir cheeseburger, ah goes tae the boy.

— Naw, ah like tae drink the Coke first.

— Ah thoat ye’d wash it doon wi the Coke!

— Naw, ah like tae drink the Coke first.

— Aw.

Ah’m thinkin aboot this, gaun oot the restaurant. Ah looks back in n the boy’s just liftin the double cheeseburger tae ehs mooth. Eh stoaps n ehs mooth is open as eh looks ay ays. Ah turns away cause it isnae nice tae stare at fat people.

Ah gits tae the flat, which is jist next door tae the last yin. Raymond Gittings is waitin thaire n goes, — Right, Jonty boy, yir daein the skirtings in here, pal.

Eh shows ays the room, n thaire’s a young lassie, sortay student lassie, sittin doon at a desk daein writin. — This is Scarlett, Jonty, she rents the flat. Yir gaunny huv tae paint roond her.

— Hiya, Scarlett, aye, ah’ll dae that, ah will, sur.

The lassie looks up n smiles. Nice white teeth n black hair but wi sortay freckles that might belong on a mair ginger-heided lassie. Seems a kind lassie, aye sur, a kind lassie.