Irvine Welsh - Skagboys

Lucinda has the arrogance that wealth brings; ironic, then, that she was just one of the recipients ay the cards I randomly issued. Oh, that wonderful device! Ah wrote out another batch ay fifty last weekend:

Beautiful woman, I didn’t believe in love at first sight until today.

Please call me. Simon X 01 254 5831

Fifty handcrafted scraps of intrigue; through previous experience, they should net me around five or six sure-fire calls. Who can resist the prospect ay love and romance? All that’s needed are the cards and a certain equanimity, the designated word on this ‘E’ day.

They would never work in parochial Edinburgh or, indeed, any other population centre in the UK bar this yin. They are made for an alienated, spacious, disconnected, no-comeback metropolis. A fortnight ago, ah handed my first batch oot around Knightsbridge (striking gold with Cinders), where the best consumers are. Last week ah steamed selected targets in Kensington, St John’s Wood, Notting Hill, Primrose Hill, Canonbury and, striking out for the big time, Mayfair. The problem here is that ye get a lot ay good-looking chickies on salary , when I crave trust fund . Another curse is Nicksy’s phone number and its embarrassing 254 code, but only the clued-up relate those digits to the poisonous E8 postal district.

The one-in-ten rule generally works and it’s self-selecting. When ah told Rents about it, he started waffling on about statistics: correlation and regression, the bell curve. All ah was interested in was the bell-end curve in my troosers. This system is a magnet for either lovestruck idiots with truly unreal expectations ay life, or the most curious and daring. And that generally means a shag is about the worst you’re gaunny dae fae the arrangement.

Lucinda has been my best hit so far; not exactly a blue-blood Ingloid, but with St Martin’s College of Art and Roedean Girls’ School on her CV, plus a smart Notting Hill pad, she’ll do nicely till the opportunity to upgrade presents itself.

Across the street, a swarthy-looking chap emerges fae a sleaze shop door wi this washed-out, bottle-blonde bird. This fucker evidently kens how tae deal with damage. Watch and learn, Simon . Yes, I fucked up wi that wee gold mine back hame; got greedy, weak wi the skag, emotionally involved and overstepped the mark, even if Dickson did put in a good offer. No very nice, but ah went tae see Father Greg and it’s just another sin ah’ve cheerfully repented. With the gift of faith, we move on.

I want tae follow this Arab-looking cunt and his tattered squeeze, and ah’m almost replicating his movements, my arm roond posh Lucinda’s waist, guiding her intae the Blue Posts. — We’ve had the sex, perhaps some alcohol now, I whisper like a stereotype bad boy, with clandestine grin, and her fruity smile tells me she’s onside. Ah’m one step behind my man, and as he orders up and manoeuvres this powerless sow intae a seat, so too do I deposit Lucinda in the one next tae them, under a nest of tinsel and glitter balls.

Ah like the wey this boy moves; steely eye contact maintained, he has this chicky in his tractor beam and he’s no gaunny let go. Nae need for the iron fist, it’s aw velvet glove. S-T-Y-L-E, it sticks out a M-I–L-E. Ah’m sold that this boy is the real deal when ah hear him saying, — Of course I care for you, baby, but you is trying to use reverse psychology on me and it just ain’t on.

— I ain’t, Andreas … I ain’t … she pleads, shaking her head. She’s a looker in a trashy, deranged way. Ah cannae make out whether it’s jakey shakes or junky twitches but the brain is incorrectly wired tae the skin and the motor functions are a tad askew. — I just wanna know you care … she pleads.

— Ah brush back Lucinda’s hair and whisper in her ear. — I’ll wonder if one day that you’ll say that you care …

— I care, this Andreas the Arab sincerely says tae his dopey consort. You can tell that the first wideo that’s banged her on her ‘estate’, as the Ingloids ludicrously call their schemes, has left cock prints and fist prints all over her, like target signs for subsequent hustlers. You grow to realise, just through talking tae them for a few minutes: maist predators are pretty fucking thick. So for the system tae work, the prey hus tae be really fucking dim, desperate and needy beyond belief.

— Just please say you’ll love me madly, I’ll gladly be there, and I plant a little kiss on her cheek, as she grins at me. Ah have to listen attentively tae her slavering oan about her job and the dull office politics that so enthrals those involved, but bores the fucking shit oot ay every cunt else. Over her shoulder, as his train-wreck bird goes to the toilet, ah tip the swarthy Andreas a wee wink. He looks glacially at me for two dreadful Begbiesque seconds, when I think ah’ve called it wrong, as he takes in and processes a mental picture. Then a warm smile, like the sun coming up, splits his face. Tae Lucinda’s slight annoyance, we strike up a friendly conversation across her bows. The boy isnae an Arab, he comes fae Athens.

Lucinda chips in tae say that she visited his home town once, muttering something aboot the Acropolis. Andreas smiles tightly, flinty white-hot eyes full ay mischief, as they run a subtle check over her curves.

— The Edinburgh of the South, ah grin, as Train Wreck comes back doon and smiles at Lucinda, then looks a little harshly at my good self. — Hi, I’m Simon, ah nod at her.

— And should I care — this narky mare whinnies, but Andreas is already waving her intae silence.

— Like a puppet on a string … pup, pup, pup, I murmur to Lucinda, as Grecian 2000 Andreas talks over Train Wreck, with a fleeting, disdainful apologetic look, as she sits like a wayward schoolgirl who’s been ticked off by the teacher she’s got a devastating crush on. — You think? He asks, — Edinburgh and Athens? There is a connection?

— Defo. Twinned cities, ah’m led tae believe.

Andreas seems tae gie this some thought and scratches at a five o’clock shadow. — I must go there sometime; but only to visit. I love London. Where can you go after London?

I turn to Lucinda and give her a smile; happy but grateful, with added sincerity. — I must say, I raise an eyebrow, — it hasn’t been bad to me so far. You know what they say: love is just like a merry-go-round, with all the fun of a fair …

— This is what they say in Scotland? Andreas sinks back and purrs and we’re already cookin at the same nice soft beat, like a jazz rhythm section, like Keezbo and Rents try tae, but never can. — If you have already met such a beautiful lady so soon, then I would say that you are navigating our town very well!

— C’è di che essere contenti , I playfully concede.

— Ah … that is Italian? Andreas asks.

— Ooh … Italian … Train Wreck Chickloid tries to battle back into the conversation, but she’s so much the lowest rank here that I’m comfortable ignoring her.

— Yes. My mother’s side, I tell Andreas.

Our Med playboy patter sets off a blush in Lucinda, and a flirtatious but polite round of chatter. Ah watch the posh bird in profile, elevated by our attentions, just glowing, singularly unaware that she’s merely another random stat in a game ah’ve devised. I feel urbane, sophisticated, and most of all miles away from fucking Edinburgh , where there’s always some heidbanger fae Leith who staggers intae a sophisticated city-centre wine bar for a late drink tae catch me canoodling wi some out-of-town lovely and blows my cover, usually with the blood-curdling cry ay ‘SICK BOY, YA CUNT, WHAT UR YOU FUCKIN WELL DAEIN HERE?!’

So we spend most ay the evening getting pleasantly mellow wi Andreas and Hailey (Train Wreck’s real or stripper name), then head back on the Victoria Line tae his family’s hotel at Finsbury Park. It’s right on the edge of the actual parkland which gives the district its name, and caters for frayed-suited salesmen, Andreas discreetly telling me he sets them up with the services that gentlemen away fae hame so often crave. Hailey, meantime, embarks on a whingeing, nasal monologue of breadline disasters, encompassing the usual litany ay social security cheques stopped, housing evictions suffered and children placed intae care. Fortunately, the recipient ay most ay this guff is Lucinda, whom Hailey painfully announces is her new best friend.