Irvine Welsh - Skagboys

— Ah’m sorry, it’s your house, ah should have asked. Ah’m fixing masel up a wee shot ay skag.

— What? What’s that? Is that … is that heroin?

— Aye. Listen, this is between you and me. Ah’m no proud ay it, but ah’ve been daein it a wee bit. Ah’m gaunny kick it intae touch, but, well, ah just sort ay need it at the moment. Since your dad … ah feel my head shaking, as ah look at her red, torn face, — … ah just feel so down, so powerless …

Maria’s face is as immobile as porcelain. Her eyes are locked onto the bubbling liquid dissolving in the spoon. — This is the only thing that takes away the pain … ah tell her. — Ah’m gaunny take a wee yin, just tae keep the heebie-jeebies at bay. After aw, ye dinnae want tae get a serious habit, but it has been a fucking stressful day.

So ah’m sucking up the solution through the cotton ball, then piercing my flesh with the point ay the needle. As ah draw some blood back, filling the chamber, Maria’s eyes are darkening, as if some inky fluid is thickening behind them too. My blood goes back in slowly, but ah feel no pressure ay my hand on the plunger, it’s like ma veins are sucking it in fae the syringe …

YA FUCKAH … YA FUCKIN BEAUTY … AH AM IMMORTAL, INVINCIBLE …

— Ah want some … ah hear Maria utter, in a choking gasp ay need.

— No way … it’s not good stuff, ah tell her, sweating back oantae the sofa, gurgling like a rapturous infant as the gear unravels through me like a nursery rhyme. Then there’s that almost honey-like nausea at my core … Ah take tight inhalations, letting ma breathing slowly regulate.

— What are you daein it for then?

— Ah’ve been feeling bad … sometimes ye feel so bad … it’s the only thing that helps …

So baaaad …

— But ah feel bad! What aboot me! she says, her face going pinched and for a vaguely troubling second ah can see both Janey and Coke in it. — You sais ye would help me!

Ah look sadly at her, taking her trembling hands in mine. — You’re a beautiful young girl, and ah dinnae want ye takin drugs … God, she is a shattered angel, cast doon tae this dark and despicable hovel. — … Ah mean, ah’m meant tae be taking care ay ye … no making things worse for ye. Ah shake my heid and feel the blood moving slowly through it. — No way …

— They cannae git any worse! she bellows, then seems tae think ay her current predicament. — But … but … just a wee bit, like you sais, she begs again, — jist tae make things feel better …

I feel ma breath pulling fae my chest, the same tight, drawing resistance a syringe plunger makes when you pull it back, that lovely sealed tug … — Okay, but this is a one-off … this is fucked up … n it goes against ma better judgement … just a wee bit, mind, tae relax ye. Ah stroke the side ay her face gently. — Then we work oot how tae get Dickson …

— Thanks, Simon …

— Ye must feel that the whole world’s comin tae an end, ah nod as ah line up a fair auld dunt for her. — This’ll help ye, babe; this’ll take the pain away.

Her face is weak and bewildered as ah wrap my leather tie roond her thin, white airm and tap her vein up. Nice wiring she’s got n aw. This wee yin craves, needs, oblivion, and the only decent thing tae dae is tae oblige a damsel in distress …

Ah gie it tae her one way, watching her groan softly and melting back intae the couch. — That feels good … it’s nice … it’s barry …

Then ah lay her down, resting her head on the couch armrest, tae prepare her tae get it the other way. — But you’re the woman ay the hoose now, and you’ve got tae be strong for Grant. We baith need tae keep everything thegither here. For your ma’s sake and your dad’s memory. We’ll go and see her soon, ah tell her, sweeping that fringe ootay her eyes and back across her foreheid, — okay, darlin?

— Aye … she says, looking at me, eyes glazed like shiny silver coins.

— Is that better?

— Aye … it feels nice … ah never thought ah’d feel this good again …

— We’ll get Dickson; he’s ours. You and me, we’ll make that bastard pay, I whisper. Ah’m kneeling on the floor alongside her outstretched magnificence. Ah slide a hand under her heid, raising it up and slipping a cushion under it. — But just you relax the now. You’ve had a tough time. Want me tae lie wi ye … n hold ye?

A slow affirmative nod. — You’re right nice tae us … and her hand rises and caresses the side ay ma face. Ah bend in closer towards those big wasp-stung lips.

— Course I am. You’re nice tae be nice tae. Now gie’s a wee kiss.

She looks at me wi a sad smile and kisses me on the cheek.

— Naw, naw, naw, babe, that’s nae good. A proper woman’s kiss, like.

And those lips are on mine and that tongue is in my mouth, and for now it’s aw her work. Ah close ma eyes, briefly thinking aboot poor Janey, making soft toys in Corton Vale for the next few months. As the judge said, an example has to made of individuals who would seek tae exploit those in genuine need through fraudulent practices. I think he quoted the Home Secretary verbatim. But it’ll be an education for Janey, she’ll be licking mair fannies than a GPO clerk will stamps. But right now ah’m mair concerned wi her daughter’s tuition, cause it’s getting better with these long, wet kisses. Yes it is; ah’m certainly feeling nae pain. Cause she’s mine now. Ah break off and tell Maria’s sad, sexy, junked eyes, — Ah’ll never leave ye, no like the others. Everything’s gaunny be okay now.

A mournful smile moulds her features. — Ye mean that, Simon?

— Aye, I tell her, and ah’ve never been more sincere about anything in my fucking life, — I most serpently do.

THERE’S ME GETTING off the number 1 at the fit ay Easter Road ootside the Persevere pub when ah see Lizzie McIntosh running for the bus, tryin tae keep control ay her big art-college folder that’s being pushed and pulled by the gales. She is beyond gorgeous; sexy black boots ower woollen tights, a short red, black and yellay hooped skirt, or it might be a dress, ye cannae tell under that big broon overcoat, scerf n gloves. Her long broon hair’s one shade darker that the coat. — Hud on, mate, ah tell the driver, who’s about to pull away. Ah stick ma sports bag in on the platform in case he tries tae shut the doors, n git a sour look back for ma trouble.

Worth it but, cause she looks even better when she comes closer; hardly any make-up, just a bit ay eyeliner and some cherry lippy. — Thanks … Tommy … she gasps as she steps past Fearless Tommy Gun oantae the bus stickin her money in the slot. — Ah’m late for this do … She smiles at us. Ya beauty!

Well, faint hert never won fit bird, so: — That’s a drink you owe me, ah try it oan, you’ve goat tae, as ah watch the doors slap shut and the grumbling driver makes some comment before starting up the bus and pulling away.

It’s cauld; it’s still October but there was a frost on the groond this morning and the pitches might be frozen. Much worse, fae a fitba viewpoint, is this shitey wind. But Rents is doon for the weekend fae Aberdeen, and we’re oot the night, then at Easter Road the morn for the derby. So ah nash up tae my sister Paula’s, tae dump the bag and get some scran doon. Ah got invited for my tea but ah’m no sure about her husband, this moaning-faced cunt fae Coventry who seems totally depressed aw the time. We can aw get that wey, but ye cannae let them beat ye and grind ye doon. Pecker up at aw times.

That Lizzie but … phoar …

So ah bolts the nosh doon n leaves my bag thaire and heads for the Volley, thinkin that ah’ll be the first yin in. Nae chance! Thaire’s a bunch sittin in the corner, wi Begbie haudin court, and he seems well chuffed tae see me. — Tommy boy! The very cunt!