Irvine Welsh - Skagboys

CALL US UP BECAUSE WE’RE DISCREET …

AND WE’LL CALL TIME ON THE BENEFIT CHEATS!

N thaire’s a big hotline number tae phone. Sick Boy’s back leg is gently kickin the grey bus-shelter panel. He sees us comin, n goes, — Spud.

— Awright, Si, ah goes, cause ye kin call um ‘Sick Boy’ in a crowd, but it feels a bit bad-mannered likesay on yir tod, ken? — How goes it?

— The usual. Bird worries.

— Me n aw, man, in so far as thaire’s nane bitin, ken?

He laughs wi a big, open face. It’s yin ay they smiles that makes ye see how chicks dig the sick cat. When it gits turned oan ye, ye pure feel thit you’re the chosen yin. — Cannae live wi them, cannae live withoot them. I should’ve stuck wi the project when ah wis altar boy at St Mary’s, n joined the priesthood. Would’ve been the Holy Papa’s number two by now. A lifetime ay contemplation n serenity, aw given up for chicks who dinnae appreciate it. So how’s you? Nae work prospects?

— That’ll be the day, ah goes. — Totally brassic n aw. They sent us tae this computer trainin place likes, but ah wis shitein it that ah’d pure brek the computers, by pressin the wrong buttons n that, ken?

— No my thing, he shakes his heid.

— Naw, me neither. It’s a bit ay a fad, man, ah cannae really see that sortay stuff catchin oan … ah mean, cats like the human touch. Ken?

— Aye, he sais, but ye kin tell he isnae really convinced.

Ah looks back up tae that poster. It seems tae be sayin: we can make you intae bad people. — Shockin but, eh? Ah points ower the road. — Encouragin people that have goat next tae nowt tae grass each other up. It’s like Nineteen Eighty-Four , ah goes, then realises, — Ah mean, ah ken it sortay is 1984, but ah’m talkin aboot the book likesay, no the year.

— Ah catch yir drift, he sais, lookin doon the road as the bus lumbers up the Walk. He pills a five spot oot ay his poakit. — Here’s ma bus, see ye, he goes, n tae ma shock, crumples the note intae ma mitt.

— Ah wisnae tryin tae tap ye up, ah’m pure protestin, cause neither ah wis, but, well, it’s sound ay the boy, likesay.

— Nae worries, mate, he goes, wi a big wink, climbin oantae the bus.

— Ah’ll gie ye it back next week, ah shout as he heads inside and the bus pills oaf. Sound gadge, Sick Boy, one ay the best.

So ah’m back doon the Walk wi a wee bit mair ay a spring in the step, Sick Boy’s gesture reviving the faith in the two-legged species. Ah pill intae the shop tae git ma paper n some fags fae Mrs Rylance, n she looks at us wi a big smile as ah pit ma change intae the yellay plastic CAT PROTECTION LEAGUE boax. — You’re a gentleman, Danny son, she goes, they dirty big dentures hingin oot tae dry.

— Well, ye goat tae look eftir oor feline pals, Mrs R. Four legs good, but mibbe two legs likesay no sae bad either, but, ken?

— That’s right, son. Ye see, the thing aboot animals is that they cannae tell ye when something’s wrong. Ah think the aulder ah git, the mair ah prefer animals tae people.

That is one auld catgirl supreme. — Ah kin sortay see that, Mrs R, cause they dinnae start wars, the likesay that Falklands fiasco, n jist as ah’m aboot tae vacate the premises, hello, hello, another catchick appears, this time it’s LA Woman, Los Angelos, Alison Lozinska, wearin a beret n a white jean jaykit, n lookin like a total sex kitten. — Hi, Ali.

— Hi, Danny, what ye up tae?

— Hingin oot oan the mean streets ay Leith, nae changes in this cat’s MO, so tae speak. Yirsel?

— Meetin Kelly n the rest ay them ower in the Percy, she says, buying some tabs fae auld Mrs R. — Tryin tae pack these in, she goes. — My ma …

— How is she daein? Ah likesay heard offay Mark n Si.

— Nowt they kin dae, just a matter ay time, Ali sort ay snuffles. Ma hand kind ay hovers ower her back, n she sees it, smiles, and touches ma wrist. — You’re sweet, she goes, then pills hersel thegither. — Aye, meetin the girls in the pub, then wir hittin the toon. It’s Sally’s birthday. Comin along for one?

By Sally, she must mean Squiggly. Spells problemos for the boy Murphy. Squiggly n me dinnae exactly see eye-tae-eye, but getting an invitation tae Chick Central does not happen every day, man, so ye dinnae refuse in such a situ, ken? So ah sticks the Evening News in the inside jean jaykit poakit as we heads doon Puke Street n ah’m telling her aboot Mark up at Aberdeen, n she goes, — Never thought he had it in him. Ah ken he fancies himself as an intellectual, but I’m surprised he actually managed to get intae uni. He was eywis crap at school.

Ah think aboot this. — We aw were.

— Speak for yersel, ah wisnae.

— Aye but it’s different for lassies. Ah’m talking aboot the boys, likesay, ah goes. Ah kin mind ay seein Ali in that prefect blazer. Whoa, man, telling ye, they things should be banned. Pure filth.

Ali laughs and pits her hand tae her mooth. She’s goat those cute lace gloves oan, fir the sake ay fashion rather than function, ken? — Danny, you were never at school long enough tae be good or bad at it. And ye were expelled fae two!

— Aye, ah agree, n as we pass Leithy, one ay my alma maters along wi Augies n Craigy, — but mibbe school isnae the best environment for some cats tae learn. Ah mean, maist animals learn by play, ah wink, — n we dae plenty ay that oan they dirty wee streets doon this auld port!

That wis me likesay tryin tae flirt but it bounces oaf the chick like bullets fae Superman’s chist, ken? Suppose, though, that this catgirl’s goat other things oan her mind. Bit mibbe she’s oot tae git away fae aw that. N somebody wis sayin she’s seein a gadge; supposed tae be some lucky aulder dude fae her work. Whae kens?

We hits the Percy and it’s lassies everywhere; Kelly, Squiggly, Claire McWhirter, Lorraine McAllister, that sexy Lizzie McIntosh supergirl fae the auld school, Esther McLaren, n man, wee Nicola Hanlon (the loveliest sex kitten ay them aw, man, ah amnae kiddin likesay) n many mair besides thit ah dinnae ken, cause it’s Squiggly n this lassie Anna’s twinty-first, so aw the Leith Lovelies are gaun oot fir a big blow-up in fair Edina.

Squiggers looks soor-faced at ma arrival, cause ah pure gied her that nickname years ago: Sally Quigly = Squiggly Diggly, eftir yon octopus that used tae be oan the telly when wi wir sprogs. Never kent what happened tae that cat, fae the same Hanna-Barbera stable as Top Cat, Yogi Bear n Huckleberry Hound, but never really stuck in the public’s consciousness in the same wey, ken? Aye, Squiggers didnae like it but, even if it wis only a bit ay retaliation for her daein that ‘Scruffy Murphy’ crap. Ah lashed oot cause ah suppose ah wis a bit ay a scruff at school, money bein too tight tae mention at Chez Murphy back in the day, ken?

Otherwise, though, the vibes are better than sweet, n ah’m pure thinkin: forget the boys, forget hearin aw that cack aboot fitba n music n whae’s claimed whae n whae’s battered whae, n whae’s been a radgeboy oan the peeve. Aye, ye cannae beat bein collapsed intae a big chair, just likesay sittin here surrounded by beauty n totally engagin the senses, man:

— … so what dae you think, Danny?

Ah think you rule, catgirl. — Well, Nicky, ah dinnae think ye kin go wrong wi the Hoochie. Everywhere else in Edinburgh is such a meat market, ken?

— What if you’re wantin some meat, but? she says, the cheeky wee vixen, and it’s breakin ma hert cause the likes ay Sick Boy, Tommy or even Rents or Begbie would say something like, ‘Well, in that case, jist stick wi me, babe.’ But this isnae the kind ay talk that comes oot ay ma mooth, n ah jist smiles at her, thinkin aboot the cruelty ay the world, wi aw that beauty bein wasted oan someone that disnae care, that sees this lovebird as jist another bedpost notch. Ah pure jist want tae say, ‘Fancy gaun oot for a bite tae eat sometime? There’s a smart new Chinky opened up in Elm Row,’ but ah’m no a man ay commerce n a lassie that works fir the Gas Board wid never consent tae go oot wi a common dole mole. N ah bet this dirty, lucky auld boy thit Ali’s seein fae her work, ah kin sortay hear her mentionin a gadgie’s name tae Squiggers, aw that coy wey, ah bet ye he’s goat tons ay spondoolays. It’s aw unfair, man, aw pure unfair.