Irvine Welsh - Skagboys

On the Buses .

The star was obviously Reg Varney. Stan. Who played his sidekick, Jack? Blakey, that bus inspector, that actor’s name was Stephen somebody, he was sure of it. And Olive, Arthur’s wife, was played by Anna Karen. This stuck in his mind, unusual in that it was two female first names. He dialled a number on the old, black Bakelite phone, a device from another era, grimly hanging on to its tenuous commission. His ex-brother-in-law picked up. — Aye?

— It’s me. It all went okay. I mean, I never checked what was in it, I just picked up the package, like you said.

There was an unnerving silence on the other end of the line.

— Eh, Gal sends his regards.

— Fuck Gal. Get back up here, right now, wi that gear.

He spoke as if Russell was just down the street instead of over four hundred miles away. He was exhausted; he had to rest. It was dangerous, he’d be sure to draw police attention in this condition … — Look, I’m knackered. If I get pulled over or in an accident, it isn’t going to do either of us any good, he protested.

— Just get the fuck back up here now. Or thi’ll be an accident awright. Dinnae make us repeat masel again.

The alcohol burning in his gut and brain, Russell wanted to shout, ‘Fuck you! Fuck you, ya fucking ignorant bag ay shite!’ But it somehow came out as, — Okay, I’ll be as quick as I can, as the line went dead, and in tears of exasperation, Russell Birch contemplated the exhausting drive back up to Edinburgh. As he rested the phone down on the cradle, the name of the actor who’d played Arthur in On the Buses tauntingly popped into his head.

AH KNOW THAT ah’m the one. Ah can take these circumstances and transcend them. Ah ken this because no only can ah conceptualise everything, ah can also feel it in my fibre, emotionally. Emotional and rational intelligence: ah can dae that shite. Ah’m no a fuckin junky, ah’m just playin at it. Real junkies are mugs like Swanney or Dennis Ross, or even dirty wee Matty Connell. Mingers whae’ve been intae it since the year dot. Tom’s right, it’s a phase, and ah’m jist a young gadge, fuckin aboot. Ah will grow oot ay it .

Ah’ll be okay .

Ah’m too brainy, too fuckin clued-up tae faw intae that sort ay trap. It sounds arrogant, aye, but it’s fuckin true. Ah ken that a certain kind ay bird fancies me and that ah can — if ah choose tae try hard enough — make other types be bothered .

This shite is nothing tae me. Ah ken everybody says that; that’s the allure, aye, but in ma case it’s true, cause ah’m the real deal. Ah can fuckin well dae this and dae it easy. Ah can stop aw this at any time, through the sheer fuckin exercise ay my will .

Just end it .

But no right now .

THE CUNT TRIED tae say thit he wis jist inside fir a fuckin traffic offence, bit ye ken they fuckers, they lie through thair fuckin teeth cause thir no gaunny fuckin well turn roond n say thit it wis fir noncin a fuckin bairn. Ken what they’d fuckin well git, the cunts. Bit thaire’s eywis weys n means ay findin oot aboot they cunts, fuckin surein thaire is. N ah goat the info fae a fuckin reliable source, a real fuckin mate. It wisnae jist jail gossip. Ah dinnae pey any fuckin heed tae yon shite.

N ah wisnae the only cunt thit thought he wis fuckin well dodgy; whin ah fuckin telt that wee fuckin Weedgie cunt, Albo, thit he wis sharing a cell wi a nonce, he fuckin well set it right up fir us, quick style. Aye, naebody took that much fuckin convincin aboot that cunt. Tae me that fuckin well tells ye somethin right away, fuckin right it does.

It wis easy. We’d arranged it wi the screws thit they’d turn a blind eye, they fuckin well hate nonces n aw. So ah slips intae Albo’s cell eftir dinner, n sees the Beast jist sittin thaire oan that fuckin bunk readin a book; cunt looked as plausible as fuck. Well, he wisnae foolin me, fuckin well tell ye that fir nowt. N ah kent awright, cause it wis Rents thit telt us aboot the cunt, n Rents widnae make up a fuckin tale like that, he’s no that sort ay a gadge.

So ah says tae this cunt, ‘So yir in here fir a traffic offence, aye?’ N he looks up n goes, ‘What? What d’ye want … what is this?’ his face aw that wey cunts look as if thir gaunny fuckin well try n catch flies in thir mooths, n he pits his fuckin book doon. Ah lits um stand up n ah goes, ‘Tamperin wi fuckin bairns, yir ain wee lassie n aw,’ n rams the nut oan um. Goat the cunt a fuckin beauty; ah hears the bone crack n that squeal like ye kin imagine a fuckin pig must make whin it gits its fuckin throat slit in the slaughterhoose. Well, ah wanted tae damage the cunt, tae slash his fuckin chops n carve up his fuckin noncey coupon, but withoot a chib ah jist hud tae stomp n stomp at that stoat heid, hearin the cunt still squealin, but then the noise changin intae a soft groan as he passed right oot. Ah took a pish oan the cunt, then ah felt bad aboot perr Albo’s fuckin cell so ah sais tae him oan the wey oot, cunt’s only went n pished hissel but, eh.

So that wis me fuckin well chuffed; ma good deed fir the day, giein a bairn-shaggin cunt a dose ay thair ain medicine. It wis only later oan thit ah fuckin well found oot thit the cunt’s name wis Albert McLeod, no Arthur McLeod, whae wis the cunt that Rents meant, but whae seemingly goat huckled the other month by some wide cunt n sent up tae Peterheid nick for his ain safety.

So, ah suppose, well, aye, ah fuckin well goat the wrong fuckin gadge but, eh. It wis an easy mistake tae make wi McLeod bein a common enough fuckin name n that. But that cunt ah done, ah mean, the radge jist looked like a fuckin short-eyes n aw, hud stoat written aw ower um. But whin ah git oot ah’ll tell Rents thit ah battered the wrong gadge. Still, every cunt makes mistakes n at least wi’ll aw be able tae sit doon wi a fuckin peeve n huv a good laugh aboot it later oan but, eh.

Lothian Health Board

Private and Confidential

Instances of Reported HIV+ Cases in March

Alasdair Baird, 28, Edinburgh North, teacher of English, father of one, intravenous drug use.

Christopher Ballantyne, 20, Edinburgh North, unemployed furniture maker, intravenous drug use.

Michelle Ballantyne, 18, Edinburgh North, hairdressing apprentice, intravenous drug use.

Sean Ballantyne, 23, Edinburgh North, unemployed, former British Army solider, father of one, intravenous drug use.

Donald Cameron, 26, East Lothian, part-time barman, father of two, intravenous drug use.

Brinsley Collins, 17, Edinburgh North, school student, track and field and rugby player, intravenous drug use.

Matthew Connell, 22, Edinburgh North, unemployed, father of one, intravenous drug use.

Andrew Cuthbertson, 19, Edinburgh North, unemployed, father of one, intravenous drug use.

Bradley Davidson, 17, Edinburgh South, YTS Edinburgh Council, intravenous drug use.

Alex Foulis, 19, Edinburgh North, unemployed, haemophiliac, blood transfusion.

George Frenchard, 20, Edinburgh North, unemployed, intravenous drug use.

Andrew Garner, 23, Edinburgh South, unemployed, intravenous drug use.

Colin Georgeson, 16, Edinburgh North, school student, intravenous drug use.

David Harrower, 26, Edinburgh North, actor, intravenous drug use.

Douglas Hood, 17, West Lothian, YTS bricklayer and building trades, intravenous drug use.