Colum McCann - Fishing the Sloe-Black River

Lipstick. Cleanser. Mascara. A touch of rouge. Eyeliner. The whole nine yards. We’ll have you smiling yet. Come off it now, of course we will. Anyway, didn’t Da get into awful conniptions over me knocking the kitchen teapot over the night we came in from the dancehall? Smashed on the kitchen tiles, it did, with an awful racket. Ricocheting through the house. Us standing there, the smell of drink on our breaths, in those blue dresses sent from Paris by Aunt Orla. Him as big as the Rath-cannon elk, roaring: “Weren’t you two supposed to be home by ten?” And both of us stealing out again and sitting in the vegetable patch near the barn, laughing our heads off until the sun was just about up. And us just smearing the makeup all over each other’s faces! We must have looked awful stupid — sitting in a straggle of turnips, wearing fancy blue dresses.

Funny thing is, these days we’re always asleep by ten, let alone home. Time has a curious way. But that’s how it goes isn’t it? Da away and beyond, God rest his soul. Mammy too. And Aunt Orla with her. Sure, who knows where even Tommy Coyne is these days? Up and left for Australia long before it was the fashionable place to go. Remember all those jokes about Tommy Coyne and sheep! Me oh my. Hold on a minute now, Moira, and the first thing I’m going to do is put on a little cleanser. New stuff I got from Max Factor. Lovely clean smell to it, isn’t there?

Good God Almighty! But haven’t we been doing this since the Lord knows when? Remember the times when we were toddlers and Mammy would be on the way out to the pub with Da? He’d be there, all big-boned, at the end of the stairs, in his blue suit, shouting at her to hurry on. And Mammy always so meticulous with the lipstick, wasn’t she? Forever licking her tongue over her teeth, head cocked sideways, staring at herself. I suppose that’s where we got it from. Us glued wide-eyed on either side of her. Then us sneaking out of bed when they were gone, to sit in front of the big oak mirror and smear it all over our lips, trying her hats on, and making curtseys in the middle of the room. Damn it, anyway, but weren’t we the holy terrors! Remember that night when we took what’s-her-name, the cat, you know, oh, whatsit? Luna! That’s it. Luna. Remember we took her and covered her with rouge, put mascara on the whiskers, perfumed behind the poor thing’s ears and dressed her in a rag of old satin? That little wag of a tail coming out the back. That poor cat hissing around the house, like something possessed. Hiding under the bed. The hat you made for her with Da’s cigarette packs. The things we remember.

Anyway, talking of teapots, strange the way things change, isn’t it? Used to be a teapot was a teapot. Nothing more and nothing less. Just teapots. But I was up and beyond in Dublin last week, baby-sitting little Kieran, his mammy and daddy away in London for an advertising conference. So, anyway, I took him for a walk down by the canal — the water’s filthy these days, floating with Styrofoam cups, all that smog and neon along the banks, even a couple of condoms, floating on the water. I kid you not! Who would use those things anyway, Moira? Like your Sean says, it must be like washing your feet with your socks on! But, like I was saying, we were throwing some bread to the ducks, and all of a sudden little Kieran says to me, he says: “Look at those teapots over there, Granny.” And him pointing to a couple of boys wrapped together like slices of bread underneath the Leeson Street Bridge, kissing in broad daylight. Teapots. I ask you, Moira. Apparently something to do with the way the spout curves.

We’ll give that cleanser a moment to settle now, Moira, then we’ll get started with the foundation. Sad to say, anyway, Larry and Paula look like they’re emigrating too. Paula got offered a job with that crowd, Saatchi and Saatchi. They’re going to enroll little Kieran in some private school on the outskirts of London. There’s another one will grow up with an English accent. Dropping h’s all over the place. A terrible shame. And he’ll see more than his fair share of teapots over there, I’ll tell you. That sort of thing goes on all the time in London. It’s as bad as Amsterdam. Before you know it there’ll be none of us McAllisters left in Ireland at all. Sure, don’t you remember the time we almost went ourselves? 1947, wasn’t it? Anniversary of D-Day, if I’m not mistaken.

Don’t you remember us walking down the main street and those two Yankee soldiers sauntering by O’Connor’s butcher shop with the big red awning? Decked out in the full regalia, handsome as Sunday. Recovering from the war, of course. The lads in town didn’t like them at all. Overpaid, oversexed, and over here. A wee bit of jealousy, I’d say, because aren’t those Americans awful good-looking people? Great teeth and all. Anyway. Remember? You in your ochre blouse and your linen skirt and me myself in my favorite green cardigan, the one with the flowers crocheted on the side. Both of us after making our faces up lovely. And up come the two Yankee boys, asking us what was it a fella could do of an evening in a town like this? And, before you know it, we’re out there driving down the Cork road with the windows open and them singing all sorts of curious songs. Heidy-deighty, Christ Almighty, who the hell are we? Wham bam thank you ma’am we’re the infantry! And us covering our ears, pretending like we were shocked. Out into the countryside, under those huge stars, and them saying that the car was broken down so they could walk us back to town in the dark. Talk about conniving. And us pretending like we were scared, so we could lean into them. A summer night, wasn’t it?

But we were tempted. Let it be said, here and now, we were tempted. Now, of course, my Eoin and your Sean wouldn’t need to hear that, but we were tempted to be sure. Oh yes. On we go now, anyway. A bit of foundation. Just a dab here. I brought my finest, of course. We’ll just get in there under your chin a little bit. Skim off the surplus here now, with my old camel’s hair brush. You’re looking really great now. Ah, it’s a sad world sometimes, but it gives you such funny stories.

Who knows, but we could have been married to some Yanks! Funny thing that, when you think about it. At least for you it was love at first sight with Sean, and isn’t that what makes the world go around? Love and marriage, love and marriage, go together like a horse and carriage, ladeedadeedada, ladeedadeedadee, you can’t have one without the other. Me oh my. Can hardly remember the words now. Between yourself and myself and the walls, sometimes I almost regret putting the cart before the horse, so to speak, marrying Eoin like I did. He was never exactly — well, he was a quiet man. But, well, damn it all anyway, there’s enough badmouthing done in this world without me adding to it. Isn’t that right? Too many bickerers and begrudgers all over the place. My Eoin gave me a good home, God bless his soul, treated me right, even if now and then I got a little uppity with him. Enough said now. He was always very fond of you as well Moira. Always said nice things about you. Loved your pot roast, and I’m not just saying that. He was heard to say, more than once, that he’d run to Dublin and back if he knew one of your pot roasts was waiting for him.

And talking of men who are quick on their feet now, Moira! That time you met your Sean. That was so funny, wasn’t it? At that dance in Greenore, you wearing that red velvet dress just a little bit off the shoulder. Daring for the times. 1951. October, if I’m not mistaken. Or was it November? Getting a bit on the cold side, if I remember correctly, and you wouldn’t wear a cardigan over your dress. Partial to showing off, you were, and why not? You have a body on you that the rest of us have always envied, that’s for sure. Anyway, remember that night? That drafty old hall with the grimy windows? Us sitting there, me with my Eoin, newly married and cuddling, and you beside us, the gooseberry just waiting for a man. Indeed you were! Don’t be codding me now. Hackling for a man you were. But you were beautiful that night. You were too. With the red dress, face all done, and those fancy new stockings. And up he comes, your Sean, skipping over the floor, from the other side of the hall, his hat sideways, smelling of Brylcreem, that chip in his teeth showing, over to you, saying, “Excuse me, any chance of a dance before I get carpet burns on me tongue?” I almost wet myself laughing! Carpet burns on his tongue! And then both of you out there, dancing and laughing. You always said it was love at first sight, and why not? He’s the nicest man. Him always talking you up a storm. Anyway, here I am, rambling away as usual. He gave me your note today, your Sean did. Said to me: “Do her face up good now, Eileen. It’s a big journey.”