J. Donleavy - Leila - Further in the Life and Destinies of Darcy Dancer, Gentleman

‘So in addition to the electrocution there is Paris now too. I suppose at the Crillon, the Meurice or zee Ritz. Ah it is so romantic to listen to you.’

‘You are, aren’t you being uncommonly cynical. But yes Paris too. It has I believe one or two suitably wide boulevards for constitutionals where le grand monde display their haughtiness.’

‘Ah that would suit you. I suppose. In top hat. Zee silver knobbed cane rap tap tap upon zee pavement.’

‘Yes, as a matter of fact. I damn well intend to cut a figure.’

‘Ah to be among your betters. But it would not be le grand monde, my sweetie but distinctly the demi monde, whom you would be among.’

‘I abhor letting irritation get the better of me. But at this precise time I should be most pleased if you would dear lady please go and do fuck a duck.’

‘Ah duck fucking. That would be immoral.’

‘You are being inordinately most tiresome.’

‘Ah I am so sorry. Please what else. Tell me. I promise to listen.’

‘Well we shall go to the races at Chantilly. And I may indeed race there myself you know. I shall have by then bred up the fastest horses upon the face of the earth. Meanwhile you will enjoy the privileges of residing in a stately house with servants at your disposal.’

‘What a wonderful future. How gay. How exciting. Out in the bog. Servants. Stately house. Ha. Dust and dirt, rats and mice. Leaks and mildew. Chill and damp. Dat’s what’s at my disposal. And you breed racehorses eh. Ah dat’s good.’

‘Is that all you have to say.’

‘Ya dat’s all. But you should not stop. You should tell me more. And who is that dark beauty on zee staff who breaks things in the hall.’

‘I’d prefer not to discuss members of the staff for the moment if you don’t mind. But if you didn’t know Madam, I am now telling you. That I have some considerable acres of the best limestone land in the world. If you did ever trouble to take a look in any good encyclopaedia. It is just that I have with this place at this time quite a number of worries. And I know next time, completely by accident of course, Crooks in fact is going to succeed in hanging himself. I shall then be short of a butler. However, it’s been a miserably long time since he has properly officiated as one.’

‘But why, should one butler more or less be a worry.’

‘Well for a start, undressing him last night after the hanging, he was wearing ladies’ bright pink underwear. I think that in itself bespeaks present curiosities to be contended with and most certainly bodes uncertainty as to his behaviour for the future.’

‘Oooo la la, we have afoot how does one say zee wolf in sheep’s pink pantaloon.’

‘One does not say anything Madam. And not that I want to flatter you unduly. But you were you know, rather wonderfully marvellous as a housekeeper. Everything shining, polished, folded. I did so enjoy my breakfast then. The neat way the cupboards were kept. Provisions stored. My socks darned, the laundry done. Floors so clean. Furniture so gleaming. Ouch Madam. What did you slap me for.’

‘You did want me to slap your face don’t you for such impertinent ungallantry. I should like to hear such things said when I am not naked in the bed. Out of which you I should push. I will.’

‘Please Madam bloody well don’t Stop. Please.’

‘Because you like how I housekeep huh. And become your servant again huh. On your arse you go you little silly boy.’

‘Please. Stop bloody pushing. Bloody ruddy hell. Good heavens. Damn women anyway.’

Darcy Dancer crashing out of the bed arse first on the floor. A beast mooing beyond somewhere under the winter sky. The cold damp wool pile of the carpet barely a cushion against the hard boards. One’s erection so conspicuous. And now the door knob of one’s mother’s ablution room, turning, and the door opening. An aroma of reasty unwashed long worn socks filling the air. Good god. The face of the Dublin Poet peering around the door. A bottle of whisky in one hand. A sheepish utterly stupid look upon his countenance.

‘Ah I thought I heard a noise.’

‘Would you mind, please. You’re trespassing. Please get out of here and out of the room you’ve just come from.’

‘O I’m sorry for my inconvenience. Rashers Ronald said you were in need of some spoken verse.’

‘And you’ll be in need of a new set of teeth, eyes and ears if you don’t get out of here and this house this instant.’

‘Right you are your eminence. But I can see there you’re busy enough already. Very sorry to have troubled you in the least.’

Door quietly closing. Feet tiptoeing away. And now heavier ones approaching pounding down the hall. And the tinkle of dishes. And knock on the door.

‘Sir it would be your breakfast sir. The door is locked.’

‘Leave it outside the door, please, Mollie.’

‘I am wanting a word with you sir of a serious nature.’

‘Well please come back later, Mollie.’

‘It is this very moment urgent sir.’

‘What. Please. Is so urgent.’

‘Sir, the silverware, half of it is gone.’

‘Thank you for the information, Mollie. Just leave the tray.’

Along with the silverware, listen to the footfalls disappear.

Uninvited guests breakfasting on one’s whisky, walking into one’s bedroom. One would find more peace in the lobby of the Hibernian.

‘Damn hell, Madam. That’s what I mean about this household. And you Madam. Listen. Please. I was also going to say before you and that apparition rudely interrupted. That I adore your legs. And the firm yet lean muscles of your thighs. And now please, let me back into bed.’

‘And all I am now is legs. Thighs. Muscles.’

‘No you are much more than that, honestly. You sometimes have an attractive mind as well.’

‘Sometimes huh.’

‘No oft times in fact. Now just let me peacefully slide in. I’m desperately in need of warmth and rest. Really I am. Kept up as I’ve been nearly the whole night. Ah the feel of them. Your marvellous marvellous quarters. Like a large variety of grape indeed.’

‘Ja wohl, indeed.’

‘Ja wohl. That one might want to sink one’s teeth into Madam. Or merely squeeze by hand. And your lean slender waist. And your so wonderful richly creamy pink budded breasts like spring primroses.’

‘Of course we are without zee primroses in the middle of winter, but that what you say is perhaps an improvement for my ear. I am not like a good quality brood mare, perhaps. To breed up your winners.’

‘Madam. Ah Madam, why not. Of course you are. Together we can as well as good colts and fillies breed up a great dynasty. Not only of horses but of little Darcy Dancers.’

‘What. When I am far older than you.’

‘But O Madam. I have missed you, you know. I have. Other ladies simply do not possess your elegance. Even though it’s true I suppose, you really are nearly old enough to be my mother.’

‘You want I slap you again.’

‘But Madam our ages need not matter. It is how we can be helpful to one another. Isn’t it that’s how there is love, that it comes into being because of these mutually useful performances of chores. And it makes not a scrap of difference your getting the least little bit long in the tooth. Be a good little lady now and fetch in my breakfast tray. Why don’t you say something madam, why are you being so quiet.’

Tooth, breakfast, Mein Gott. And whose tooth is long.’

‘Well perhaps I must wait till there is a little more light to have a look. Perhaps I am mistaken. But no need to get flustered and angry Madam.’

‘No fluster. I am not.’

‘Well your English is getting suddenly ungrammatical. And please, you must let me finish.’