J. Donleavy - Leila - Further in the Life and Destinies of Darcy Dancer, Gentleman

‘You are an uncommonly strange girl.’

‘And I think I will have a bit of port. No please do not get up. If I may I shall sip from your glass.’

‘Ah Mademoiselle, how wonderful, how marvellous, how splendid. Port. Of course. Yes. Note how this purple fine liquid rises for you in the glass.’

‘Thank you. It is the first time I have ever tasted port.’

‘Ah from a grape trampled by the naked foot, this is a vintage. Lain waiting twenty years. You are in for a treat.’

‘It’s very nice.’

‘And too there is Malmsey. That you must try. Served after dinner. Equally dark in colour, rich in bouquet, luscious to the lips. Like yours are. O please. Please. Let me ask you again. Come to my bed. Come. Please.’

‘I must now stand away from you. You must not make me leave.’

‘I would command you to come back. As you know I do not tolerate disobedience in this household. I tolerate flooding, breakages, malingering. But not insubordination.’

‘I shall start calling you sir again if you are not careful.’

‘That would be too sad. It has taken so long for me to say what I have said to you. You indeed had to break a pillow over my arse. And you do know that it was my feverish thinking of you that set me on fire. Ah when you laugh you have the most beautifully perfect teeth I have ever seen.’

‘Yes I think of all the things that could happen to me, that I would be saddest if something happened to my teeth. Before I came here things were very bad for me for the last many months. And my teeth were what I most worried about. But I will not bore you with my trivial life.’

‘Honestly I would not be bored.’

‘Ah you would. Similar tales have so often been told. And I will not add to them telling mine.’

‘Are you a country girl.’

‘Yes but I have lived in the city too.’

‘You’re fond of fine things. And I frightened you away when I came upon you viewing my great aunt’s picture.’

‘It’s a beautiful picture.’

‘You go dancing.’

‘Yes I love dancing.’

‘To the local dance.’

‘Yes.’

‘And gentlemen have been trespassing to pursue you. Ah you do not know what to say.’

‘What should I say.’

‘Is that what gave you such fine legs. Dancing.’

‘I did not know my legs were fine.’

‘Thoroughbred. As one would use the term if one were not applying it to horses.’

‘Well I have gone many miles on my legs.’

‘What miles.’

‘I have often walked seven miles to a dance and danced half the night and walked seven miles back.’

‘Please. Let me see your legs. If you would. By standing, just a little over there.’

‘You’ve made me shy. By your many questions.’

‘Ah but you must know so much about me. And I know so little about you.’

‘I will tell you about me. But only a little at a time.’

‘Tell me a little right now.’

‘No. I prefer to ask you something. You forget that when this night is done. That you might not in the morning feel as you do now.’

‘I shall.’

‘You might indeed confine me below stairs. As Mr Crooks has already done.’

‘You shall be so confined, no longer, Mademoiselle. I give you my word.’

‘Can I ask you if I might play chess with you.’

‘Ah so you play chess as well.’

‘I have watched your game, you play with yourself. And I would with your permission take white’s next move. I shall play my move dusting in the morning and you might make yours in the evening.’

‘By jove you are a kettle of strange fish. You ride of course.’

‘No.’

‘Ah a yawning gap in your accomplishments.’

‘I have been on a horse.’

‘Ah. That answer is redolent of possibilities. Your topper. Your veil. You would of course stun the field. Your legs too aptly placed upon the side of the saddle. I can see it all.’

‘Are you making fun of me.’

‘No no. Upon my word not’

‘If you are I must warn you I can become very angry.’

‘I should hate more than anything to make you angry with me. But you must not go on standing. You must go and sit in that chair there. Of course there are about five eyes and seven ears at the keyhole. You mustn’t alarm. That is of course a joke. But as you must well know, to eavesdrop is a great staff hobby in country houses. Where there is so little else to entertain. But never mind. Ah, you see, how properly ladylike you sit. Knees so perfectly together. Legs slanted, ankles crossed. I adore your deportment.’

‘Mr Crooks would have a fit.’

‘Never mind Crooks. He’s an old grouchy souse. Who’ll just sprout weeds out of his ears and fade, as all faithful butlers do, into the wainscoting. Or indeed he may choose to hang himself at an appropriate time in the appropriate place chosen by previous butlers.’

‘You appear to have a low opinion of servants.’

‘Nonsense. I shall of course give him a marvellous funeral. The wake shall be held in the middle of the hall. A few fiddlers and a piper. And a chap playing the spoons. Ah god we’ll have a grand old time I’m telling you with a barrel of good Guinness stout. We’ll have him up out of his coffin and dancing with us.’

‘He’s not dead yet.’

‘O no. Quite. But when he is he’ll be a lively corpse. And meanwhile we must plan the obsequies. The farm cart suitably draped. Hauled by two black plumed horses. A throbbing drum. Best elm coffin. By God. I think a choir. On the front steps. Why do you smile.’

‘I would never have thought such thoughts would go on in your mind.’

‘I am much interested in the style in which life is conducted. What other defence have we to the long winter gloom but to raise our raiment against the sodden skies.’

‘That is beautiful what you have said.’

‘O my god, who are you. That your mind listens so. I would not have known that what I have said was worthy of being admired. I daresay most have regarded my thoughts as being quite otherwise. It is wonderful to sit and speak as we are doing. I have not spoken so since the sad departure from my life of the worthy sensitive soul of Mr Arland my tutor.’

‘I like your intelligence. And you too, I think, have a nice soul.’

‘Hardly anyone has ever thought that about me. I am quite cheered, I must say, by you. You are a jolly encouraging lass. Deserving of more port.’

‘O no. No more thank you. It was lovely.’

‘Ah now I catch you. That word lovely. It is lovely. Indeed it is lovely to hear you say lovely. But a lady would never say lovely like that. O god. Now I have offended you. O you must bloody well forgive me. You do, don’t you, think of yourself as a lady. Has the cat got your tongue.’

‘No but the wisdom of my better manners is holding on to my hand. Which would slap your face were I closer. And I think you are both rude and cruel. If you will excuse me now.’

‘Please. Don’t please go.’

Leila getting up from her chair and turning towards the door. Tripping over a book in the dim light. Darcy Dancer rising to his feet. Without a backward glance she goes. The door firmly closing and she’s gone. The brass knob on the shiny mahogany. That I had reached up to turn as a child. And see my so called father sitting in the chair I sit in. Similar glasses held in his hand. Of whisky then. Its wheaty fragrance floating over the room. His rude and cruel voice. Shouted and growled. Go to blazes. All of you. Go to hell and be damned.

Darcy Dancer falling back down in his chair. Reaching for his glass of port draining it and pouring another. Abandoned to all the nightmare of what wrong will happen next. A whole world of beauty crushed. Luscious lovely lips closed. Over her lovely teeth. Her lovely eyes. Her lovely legs. Hair and skin. She came she sat and she conquered. As have now all my edifices of rhapsody spiralling up into the joys of my future, crumbled. Left lonely. And unlovely. Gale still blowing outside the shutters. Raindrops down the chimney sizzling on the hot grate. Left cast here. Aseat like a Byzantine emperor behind one’s thick curtains. Impotent in all one’s power. Inured against the slights of the world. Yet have one’s heart pierced by an arrow. The night yet to live. Drowned in all one’s despair. Her sound gone. Ascend to her lovely bed. Who doth it be. Who is her god. To whom she offers prayer. To whom I can pray. Not to take away. Her lovely silken step that goes upon that dark stair.