Mark Dunn - Ibid - A Life

But there is a consolation. Friendship. Friendship with my ol’ pal Jonny, restored to its former shine. I’ve got that toolbox, Jonny, and we’re going to get that fence looking good as new. It’s a nice old fence, and nicer still, to find us both working on the same side.

Your friend,

Harlan

***

Dear Harlan,

It’s a deal. I’ll call you this weekend.

Jonathan

27. The cause of death was congestive heart failure.In accordance with her wishes, Great Jane was buried in a simple pine box in the Calvary Baptist Church Cemetery in her home town of Chucking, Arkansas. It was not a well-attended burial service. Yet, in New York City, three weeks later, over 250 people came to her memorial, which was held at Washington Square Methodist Church in Greenwich Village, this number including many employees of Dandy-de-odor-o and at least twenty former Time Square prostitutes whom Jane had reformed and persuaded to enroll in secretarial school. Great Jane had made a lot of friends in the Big Apple. Glover, Three Legs, One Heart , 222-25.

28. “Goodbye, my Lady Jane. I love you so.”Interview with Cassia Diles who overheard the words spoken by Jonathan at the burial site.

29. Damage to Jonathan’s art collection was estimated at nearly $3,500,000.

Cary Bormet did not limit his destruction and vandalism to art work held in private hands; in his rampage he destroyed and variously defaced pieces on display in public collections as well. He is most notoriously remembered as the man who relieved himself in Marcel Duchamp’s urinal, “Fountain.” Adding insult to insult, the art-phobic Mr. Bormet made a point of eating three dozen stalks of fresh asparagus two hours before perpetrating the deed.

30. “And the days dwindle down to a precious few.”Many remember that Walter Huston’s version of “September Song” was among the handful of those songs that Jonathan held most dear in the last years of his life. Few knew that this shortlist also included several of what he called his “silly songs.” JBP.

“Bongo, Bongo, Bongo, I Don’t Wanna Leave the Jungle”

“The Too Fat Polka”

“Good-bye, Mama, I’m Off to Yokohama”

“Does Your Chewing Gum Lose Its Flavor on the Bedpost Overnight?”

“Chica Chica Boom Chic”

“We’re Going to Balance the Budget”

31. Jonathan ordered the Happy Family in Ginger House.Others in the dinner party were more adventurous. Davison got the Surprised Squid in Scallion Panties; Caldwell ordered the Plum Duck and Crispy Chicken in Fragrant Pas de Deux; Diles had the Accommodating Prawns in Discourteously Demanding Lobster Sauce; Haverty had the Sauteed Baby Abalone Mushrooms Kissed and Tongue-stroked by Puckered Snow Peas and Honey-coated Testiculoid Walnut Chunks. Bayer, the bravest of all, tried, and nearly finished, the Kong Style Simpering Slippy Shrimp in Velvet Scallop Squirt Curd, Dragged through a Math of Brazed Beef Tailings. Jonathan’s Diary, July 12, 1956.

32. This period saw a number of major celebrity endorsements.Reinhold, The Story of Dandy-de-odor-o , 188-90. Among the many media personalities approached by Davison was Greta Garbo, who he contends gave serious consideration to ending her long retirement by appearing in a television ad for Dandy-de-odor-o. According to Davison’s journal (10 September 1956), Garbo was also considering two other offers at the time, one for the American Beet Growers Council and the other for Whip-it Whipped Oleomargarine. All three scripts exploited Grusinskaya, the angst-ridden prima ballerina character Garbo made famous in the film Grand Hotel .

Dandy-de-odor-o :

GARBO (to an overly perspiring young male companion who has just ended a strenuous game of tennis): I vant to be alone…that is, until you shower and make liberal application of that wonderful male deodorant product Dandy-de-odor-o.

COMPANION : Roger Wilco! See ya in a jiff, Grets.

The American Beet Growers Council :

GARBO (to a waiter in a restaurant): I vant to be alone…with this big plate of sliced beets.

WAITER : Yes, ma’am. Anything else?

GARBO : Bring me some tripe.

Whip-it Whipped Oleomargarine :

GARBO (to her maid after nibbling a cracker): I love the taste of butter.

MAID : Au contraire, Madam. It is Whip-it Whipped Oleomargarine.

GARBO : What insolence. Go away, Cosette. I vant to be alone. (After the maid has departed. To herself.) Mmm. Whip-it. That’s a name I’m sure to remember. (Turning to the camera.) And you will too. Just ask your grocer for Whip-it!

History will record that Garbo never came out of retirement. Some of Davison’s journal entries I find highly dubious; others are easily corroborated by other sources. This one falls somewhere in between. Indeed, Jonathan’s entry for the same day notes:

“Davison is trying to get Greta Garbo to appear in one of our commercials. That would be a coup. Or does he mean the comedienne Greta Gabor with the pop-eyes?”

33. This also included sponsorship of the Miss United States Pageant.Griswold Lanham, “Harlan Davison,” Entrepreneurial History , 13 (1990), 25–42. Davison was also instrumental in winning sole commercial sponsorship for the inaugural (and ultimately only) television broadcast of the Miss United States Pageant, a brief rival to the popular Miss America Pageant. The contest was expressly organized by its eccentric producer Barclay Harwood to determine the most beautiful and talented young woman in all of the forty-eight states except Ohio. Davison felt that the broadcast would be an ideal opportunity to advertise Dandy-de-odor-o’s new deodorant line for women, Dandeene.

As with almost all of the advertising ventures shepherded by Davison, this one backfired. The stumble created one of the largest customer backlashes in the history of mid-century American trade and commerce. Residents of Ohio, angered over their state’s exclusion from the pageant, staged a boycott of all of Dandy-de-odor-o’s products, including “Dandy fresh swabs,” a product being test-marketed in Columbus and Cincinnati at the time.

Harwood’s hatred of Ohio was legendary, but still to this day inexplicable. It resulted in a highly publicized altercation with the chairman of the Indiana state pageant and its winning entrant to the national pageant, Barbara Jane Midkiff. The contretemps served as inspiration for a memorable comedy sketch on the television variety program Laffin’ Loud with Leila and Lee. I obtained a copy of the script from the Museum of the Media in Toledo, Ohio. An excerpt follows:

HARWOOD : Miss Indiana, it has come to my attention that you are a resident of College Corner.

MISS INDIANA (shaking her head): West College Corner, Mr. Harwood.

INDIANA CHAIRMAN : Which last time I checked was in Indiana.

HARWOOD : Interesting. Because I have it on good authority that the young lady isn’t from West College Corner, which, yes, is in Indiana, but from College Corner, which happens to be in…in…(His eyes suddenly roll back in his head and he loses control of his saliva.)

INDIANA CHAIRMAN : Mr. Harwood, are you unwell?

HARWOOD (now perspiring and shuddering uncontrollably): In…in…

INDIANA CHAIRMAN : I can assure you, Mr. Harwood, the girl who stands before you is a Hoosier. She’s always been a Hoosier, haven’t you, Miss Indiana?

MISS INDIANA : Always? Well… no. .