Louise Erdrich - The Last Report on the Miracles at Little No Horse

So many know God who never would have! Jude argued with himself, hearing the counterargument. So many turned away from God, because the messenger was frightful. He could not write other than the truth, of course, what had he been thinking? Why this deep thirst to make a saint of this appalling woman? Perhaps the miracles were false concoctions, as many are, or they were simply phenomena unexplainable by what we know of physical science. Then again, perhaps they were true miracles. A tremor of frustration shook him. He closed his eyes and into his mind there fell again the image of the intricately beaded oak tree. He must remember to tell Damien, he thought, and allowed his thoughts to relax in a welcome diversion.

Father Damien. The old priest had fixed himself in Jude’s bland emotional landscape as the first interesting, though irritating, feature in a long while, and then of course Lulu had followed. But he wouldn’t think of her. He set his thoughts on the series of conversations he’d taped over the past few weeks. Placing Father Damien in the context of the writing he was embarked on, he realized that Damien’s story was not only fascinating in itself, but also probably revealed now for the first time to him, Father Jude.

There was Father Damien’s incredible beginning, the years of starvation and disease, the tireless love he had shown in pushing through slough and bush to give solace where he could. Damien had not shirked from physical labor, either, or the tedium of raising money for the Church or for the poor. He had learned the language of the Ojibwe and continued to translate hymns and prayers, even before Vatican II. There was a special sweetness in Father Damien’s relationships with his people. When he spoke, especially of Nanapush and Lulu, the warm humor of his love radiated out. His stories were intriguing — the salvation via Eucharistic corporealization — what to make of that? Then there were the visitation by the snakes, the voices, the continual devilish botherment and baiting of Father Damien.

For the first time, now, stirring himself to frown out the window, Jude considered that Father Damien might actually be telling the truth about the devil. Was Father Damien often in some mystical state of ecstasy? And was he telling the truth about the black dog’s temptation? If so, what more deeply generous act of the spirit than to give up his eternal reward for the life of a child? It was an act of Christ-like goodness — no, more. Jesus had suffered for three hours and then gone to his eternal reward, whereas Damien would suffer for eternity — no comparison!

Of course, and here Jude nodded as though to another person’s obvious question, Lulu was his daughter. What father would not do as much? And the fact that she was his daughter, well, that was a sin and a breaking of his vows, a scandal. But then again, Saint Augustine himself had a mistress and a son, and certainly — here Jude caught himself making an odd comparison — an act of generation should be considered with far more indulgence than an act of murder.

It occurred to him that he was, in his mind, setting the life of Damien out in a scheme next to the life of Sister Leopolda, and he wondered why until he thought, The life of sacrifice, the life of ordinary acts of daily kindness, the life of devotion, humility, and purpose. The life of Father Damien also included miracles and direct shows of God’s love, gifts of the spirit, humorous incidents as well as tragic encounters and examples of heroic virtue. Saintly, thought Jude almost idly, then caught himself in wonder.

Saintly? Father Damien? Am I writing the wrong Saint’s Passion?

He rose, the papers sliding from his desk in a sighing mass, the note cards fanning from the rubber band binders, books and notebooks toppling.

1996

Time at last to end the long siege of deception that has become so intensely ordinary and is, now, almost as incredible to me as it will be to those who find me, providing I let that happen. Agnes scratched a red-tipped kitchen match on the rough side of its box. Carefully, shredding the paper, she then burned what she had written over a shallow abalone shell. The fine flakes of ash collected. She was getting rid of evidence. Even as she wrote, she burned what she wrote. That was how she knew her time was coming.

We are ever betrayed by our bodies and animal nature, she went on. There is no way around the fact that beneath these clothes I am a shocking creature, to be prodded, poked, and marveled at when dead. Defenseless, that’s how I picture it, and the prospect is so truly dreadful that I prefer to disappear. That is the word I use. To disappear means that I will be elsewhere, not just dead, although of course that is the outcome I have accepted.

The decision calmed her fears and allowed her to prepare.

In the cool days of early June, Agnes decided to put her plan into action. Now was the time. She felt abnormally fit, too strong for her age, impossibly vigorous. Now, in this false summer of existence, she would have the strength. She would go to Spirit Island on Matchimanito. The plan was simple. She would invent a travel itinerary, even purchase tickets, pretend to go someplace warm from whence she would not return. Prepare documents to support the fiction of some tragic disappearance. In the meantime, she would steal a rowboat, take aboard a decent vintage of wine, and row herself out to Spirit Island under cover of night. There, she would burn the boat in a merry bonfire, at which she would drink the wine. At some point, when she was very drunk and deliriously pleased with the whole of her existence, she’d decide, No more! She’d drown herself. Cleverly, by the use of heavy stones, she would make sure that her body was anchored to the lake bottom.

Every time she grew faint of heart, she had only to remind herself of the singular horror of posthumous discovery. The thought of being gaped at, examined, the thought of this body that had sheltered and harbored her spirit all this life, poor thing, in the hands of the curious. Agnes could not bear to imagine the silly furor.

Much better to seek the island.

Besides, maybe once she was there Fleur would talk to her. She’d gone there to be with the last of the Pillagers, her cousin Moses. Nanapush might join them with new and outrageous stories of his life after death. She imagined their bones all mixed up together, spirits arguing and laughing as in the old days. As Agnes proceeded to make preparations and to gather supplies for her successful vanishing, she was oddly cheered at the prospect, however slight, of once again meeting up with her friend. She laid the groundwork. Faked letters from a host, shipped boxes, withdrew all of her money — a surprising amount of money — from the bank. She intended to pin it against her body, under her shirt, in a Ziploc bag. A note would accompany the bills instructing any accidental finder of Damien to resink the body or bury it on the spot and consider the bag of money fair payment for the service. She thought of everything and then mailed one last, irate, good-bye-good-riddance letter.

Pope!

Perhaps we are no more than spores on the breath of God, perhaps our life is just one exhalation. One breath. If God pauses just a moment to ruminate before taking in a new breath, we see. In that calm cessation, we see. All I’ve ever wanted to do is see.

Don’t bother with a reply.

Modeste

After she wrote and sent off the letter, she found herself procrastinating, clinging to life. Small things brought tears to her eyes — the jar of wild clover honey Mary Kashpaw bought to sweeten the ever charred toast, the blue jay stamp put out by the U.S. Postal Service, the tremulous sifting of dark into the room where her piano gleamed. Her piano! Notes of the bacarolle she had played to greet the snakes. Leave these things, leave them lovingly and easily, she told herself, touching the angry bedpost where so often she had prayed. But it was not easy to leave.