Ivy Compton-Burnett - The Mighty and Their Fall

“At the time of the letter do you mean?”

“Well, at all times.”

“I think you loved the sinner and hated the sin.”

“I could hate nothing of yours. In any place of yours I see myself. But we who have had nothing, want the most. We know what it is to be without. And it has all to be put into so short a time. You may be right in what you say. Your father sees a part of the truth.”

“Egbert, I shall never say it,” said Hugo. “You would not believe me, if I did. It may be no good to try.”

“If you mean me to believe it, you can do your best.”

“Tell me the most unlikely thing you can think of.”

“That Father will make over everything to me. That you will marry Miss Starkie. That he will countenance your marrying Lavinia. That you will give up the idea.”

“Say no more, Egbert.”

“What do you mean? What is it?”

“What you have said. You see I could not say it.”

“You are not going to marry Lavinia! Has she changed her mind?”

“Well, she does not know about it. People do not know their own minds. You will bring her to the knowledge.”

“You have changed yours? What are you trying to say?”

“I have tried in vain. The words will not pass my lips. I can’t forget that you will hear them.”

“Say what you have to. I am waiting to hear.”

“Egbert, a note of reproach is creeping into my tone. Is it like you to make things harder for me? And you did not wish me to be nearer to you. I could not feel I had a true welcome.”

“That may be so. But it is another matter. Tell the simple truth.”

“Well, I cannot bear to be a son to your father. Or bear Lavinia to be a daughter to him. It would keep me in his power. And I have the chance to escape. Your grandmother was a great woman. I should like to be Dickens, so that I could be unrestrained about her.”

“What would he say about Lavinia?”

“That she had come to know her own heart, and feel her father came first to her.”

“Have you no deeper reason?”

“Yes, but it is difficult to make it sound deep. I want to feel my independence and indulge my selfish, bachelor tastes. I don’t think it does sound so. You would never believe how deep it is. Perhaps you have not sounded my depths.”

“Have you spoken to Lavinia?”

“No, of course I have not. It would be behaving like a man. She will speak to me through you.”

“You will speak for yourself. It is time you did behave like one.”

“Egbert, it is a thing I have never done. And no one could do it without practice. You are experienced in what you have to do. You know you have done it many times. You did not want me as a brother.”

“I find I want you less in your present character.”

“Well, you will be rid of me. You will speak to your sister about being wise while there is time. What has been done can be done again.”

“She would not listen to me. The result is always the same.”

“Egbert, have you been disloyal to me? I think you owe me some amends.”

“You owe this to yourself.”

“Why do we owe such things to ourselves? Restitution and confession and others of the kind? They are what we owe to other people. I owe myself some ease and freedom before it is too late. You must see it is late enough. No doubt you despise me for it.”

“Are you wasting your pathos on me?”

“You know that nothing should be wasted. You must let it do its work.”

“Have you lost your feeling for Lavinia?”

“No, but I have so much for myself. Even more than I knew. And I have such a small nature. I should be jealous of her father and of Teresa and of you. And how could I be a husband? He has to be the mainstay of a household.”

“You must have seen yourself as one.”

“No, I saw myself escaping with Lavinia. And the thought filled my mind to the exclusion of any other. So that is a thing that can happen.”

“And the thought failed to hold its place?”

“I can say nothing. I know it is just. And I don’t expect justice tempered with mercy. I have only seen that mercy is tempered with justice. I think people get confused.”

“I don’t understand the sudden change.”

“It is too bad to be understood. It has come from my having more money. Let your thoughts shy away from it. It is what I do.”

“So you have done what Grandma wanted.”

“Yes, it was the least I could do for her. Her last wish is fulfilled. If only she could know!”

“It seems that she did. Well, the change may be for the best. But Lavinia is not prepared.”

“It is in your hands. And how fortunate that is! Suppose it was in your father’s!”

“I wonder you can ask me to do such a thing.”

“It is all I can do. I cannot force you to it. But I know you will not fail me. And I shall not get off unscathed. Your father will not hide his happiness. He will not even try to. That will be my punishment, and a very real one I shall find it. I feel as if I were reading aloud.”

“I wish you were. This business is not imaginary.”

“Egbert, through it all I am glad for you. But I hope it will not draw you closer to your father. I shall have been punished enough.”

“He and I will be of one mind. I do not deny it.”

“I hope the old days will not return for him. My punishment would be almost greater than I could bear.”

“I have no pity for you. You are thinking of yourself.”

“I wonder why that sounds so bad. It is the usual thing. I think it is the only thing. I have never met any other. It is what I am asking of you now. If you will not do it, things must remain as they are.”

“You mean you will marry Lavinia?”

“What can I do, if you will not think of yourself? That is too rare a thing for me to deal with. I have no understanding of it.”

“Well, it seems I must do what I can.”

“You will succeed. People do, when they are thinking of themselves. That is why everyone is so successful. I have heard of failures, but I cannot think of any. I see that thinking of other people might lead to them.”

“How have you seen yourself?”

“I do not look at myself. I have not dared. They say there are things worse than an honest failure. And I suppose I must be one of them.”

Egbert turned away in silence and went to seek his sister. There was more risk than use in delay. He found her in the library, and spoke as he knew he must.

“Lavinia, there is a word I must say again. I have said it many times. This will have to be the last.”

“It will. The time is short. Is there any need to say it?”

“Yes, I feel there is. What are you to have for what you give? For what you give up? Is Hugo even giving you all he has? And he has so much less than you.”

“What has he, that he is not giving?”

“There is one thing that is our own. Our aloofness and life within ourselves. His will hold him apart. And now his independence will support it. I feel you have not seen the truth.”

“I feel you have not. Truth is deeper than you know.”

Egbert was silent, and his sister suddenly sent her eyes over his face.

“So that is what it is! I felt something in him. That is what it was. There was something different. So nothing is what we think it is. This has not been what I thought.”

“You know it in time. No harm is done. It might have been too late.”

There was a pause.

“Yes, harm is done. I am wiser, and that comes from harm. We don’t hear it comes from happiness. ‘Sadder and wiser’ is what we say. In a real sense it is too late. Well, everything is at an end. The future is changed in a moment. You did not think it would be so easy. I should not have thought it would. But what did he say? Not the things you have said?”