Ivy Compton-Burnett - The Present and the Past

‘Would Cassius be glad to be missed so much?’

Mr Clare was silent, a faint smile on his lips.

‘I have no wish to see Catherine,’ said Flavia. ‘I feel it was a mistake that I ever saw her.’

‘It was never your wish. It was thrust on you. You did your best with it, and it grew beyond you. It had to do that or fail, though at the time we did not see it. Cassius asked too much, and he got nothing. You had to give too much, and the reaction came. It was a living and growing thing.’

‘I shall blame myself all my life. I feel it is the one thing I shall do.’

‘Less with every month, and soon with every day and hour.’

‘I do not mean only for Catherine. I know that demand was made on me there. It was all I could do to meet it. I mean for my life with Cassius, for most of those nine years. I knew he wanted flattery. I could have given it to him. Why cannot we serve each other? Why could I not meet his need? I knew he wanted too much sympathy, and I gave too little. I had my own standard and observed it as if it were absolute. And it was only mine. Cassius was alone.’

‘No, I was with him. I feel I can say it. It is my drop of comfort, and I need not do without it. He was less alone than you were. You can feel that you bore the most. And if he came back to life, he would be the same. You would find the same trouble, meet the same failure. That means that you did not fail. And you did not leave him, as the other woman did. And he did not deal with you as he did with her. That is your success.’

‘I wish I had had a real one. But I can only have what is mine. And I hardly understand myself. My sympathy with Catherine is gone. I see her as another woman.’

‘I never saw her as she saw herself. It was perhaps your mistake that you did so. We should see people through our own eyes, if we keep them clear. I saw my son through mine, and loved him for himself and showed it. I have that to carry with me.’

‘You are the fortunate one of us, or rather you are the best.’

‘I have been the best to Cassius. I will take what is mine. But I knew him as a child, and saw the child in him. That was my help.’

They fell into silence, and Ainger, who had stood with bent head while they spoke, noiselessly left the room.

He went to the kitchen without much thought of himself and sat down in his place. The others looked at him in some awe before his experience.

‘Well, it is over, Mrs Frost, and I feel my life is over with it. When the old gentleman is gone, I shall have nothing. It may be a mistake to be knit so close, but it comes about in spite of us. An obscure life holds its troubles.’

‘Is the mistress prostrate?’ said Kate, as though this might be assumed.

‘Her head is upright, Kate, and the old gentleman is the same. Other things about them are not to be passed on.’

‘Shan’t we ever see the master again?’ said Simon.

‘No, my boy,’ said Ainger, with a note of full acceptance of what he said. ‘If you failed towards him, it is too late to rectify it now.’

‘And I am not an advocate for feminine rule,’ said Kate.

‘It is the man’s part,’ said Ainger. ‘He is the natural head. And I make no implication.’

‘No, you managed without one,’ said Mrs Frost.

‘I meant nothing adverse,’ said Ainger.

‘I do not exalt the female sex,’ said Kate.

‘We may do so, Kate, within its sphere.’

‘That first business was” on a woman’s level,’ said Halliday.

‘Halliday, the master is dead,’ said Ainger, perhaps taking Kate’s view.

‘And the others’ foolishness of not sending for the doctor!’ said Halliday to Kate. ‘Taking matters into their own hands!’

‘You can say it to my face, Halliday,’ said Ainger. ‘Not turn aside and say it to a woman. It is a thing I shall carry with me.’

‘It will accompany you to the grave,’ said Kate, in sad agreement.

‘I shall suffer for it, though I am innocent. It is the hardest kind of trouble.’

‘Has the mistress uttered any word of reproach?’

‘If she had, I would have heard it in silence. But she moves in her sphere. Such things would not emerge.’

‘You can say it to my face,’ said Halliday.

Madge moved her hand across her eyes.

‘Ah, Madge, that is how I feel,’ said Ainger. ‘But I have to regard my sex.’

‘Let yourself go, Mr Ainger,’ said Kate, in sympathy.

Ainger shook his head with a smile.

‘There may be courage under an aspect,’ said Kate.

‘It can be said of Mr Clare,’ said Ainger. ‘There is an instance of a broken heart, if you want one.’

‘I am not sure that I do,’ said Mrs Frost.

‘And he will not be with us much longer,’ said Kate.

‘He and I have followed the fortunes of the house,’ said Ainger. ‘We have stood, as it were, outside. The master and I stand together within it.’

‘You should use the past tense,’ said Kate.

‘So I should; so I must by degrees. It comes hard to my tongue to use the word, “was”, of the master.’

‘We know he would not return, if he could.’

‘We may know it, Kate, with our heads. In my heart I shall always feel that he would revisit the old haunts, if he could.’

‘Was he good enough to go where it is better than here?’ said Simon.

‘It is not for you to inquire after those above you,’ said Ainger.

‘And now so much above,’ said Mrs Frost.

‘Mrs Frost, I should not have instanced it as a case for pleasantry. I wonder at its striking you in that light.’

‘We cannot have only heaviness,’ said Kate.

‘There is nothing else for me,’ said Ainger. ‘For me it is one of the passages. I go alone through it, and would not include others. I have had the gain and accept the loss. We pay the price.’

‘Of every happiness,’ said Kate. ‘Perhaps still waters are best.’

‘The master was not very old,’ said Madge.

‘Fifty-two summers,’ said Ainger. ‘It was his weakness to pass for less, or we will say his whim. But for me the veil was lifted.’

‘To me he looked his age,’ said Kate.

‘His face carried the ravages of his experience. And I do not share his reluctance. Forty is my age, and as forty I stand before you. It is the right age for a man. But this will take me forward. Middle age is in sight.’

‘I am sixty-three and not troubled by it,’ said Halliday.

‘Seven years from the span,’ said Kate.

‘And not troubled by that!’ said Halliday.

‘That is what I mean,’ said Mrs Frost. ‘And it is what the master meant.’

‘Mrs Frost, had you no feeling for the master?’ said Ainger.

‘I had as much as he had for me.’

‘He estimated your skill in your line, and indeed gave voice to it. He was not conversant with your life in its other aspects.’

‘He did not know it had any.’

‘Now, Mrs Frost, how could he?’

‘He could not, as it had none.’

‘Now, Mrs Frost, you cannot expect us to believe that.’

‘I daresay the master would have believed it, if he had thought about me.’

‘Now how often did you think about him, apart from matters in your sphere? And of those he spoke in commendation. And I lost no time in conveying it to you.’

‘We have to be thankful for small mercies,’ said Madge.

‘I am not,’ said Mrs Frost. ‘They are too small.’

‘Mrs Frost preserves her note,’ said Kate.

‘I did not suspect her of principles of equality,’ said Ainger.

‘There is the order of, things,’ said Kate.

‘I used to wish to advance,’ said Ainger. ‘And it may raise its head. For the moment I find it enough to have served.’

‘I am glad your sorrow is to be short-lived,’ said Mrs Frost.