Ma Jian - Beijing Coma

I remember what a goofy little kid he was. When I went to collect him from nursery school, his bespectacled teacher would frown and say, ‘Your father is a rightist. You must teach your little brother not to smile so much. He always has a grin on his face, even when I make him stand in the corner.’

You see an expanse of dry, heart-shaped leaves glimmering in the sun.

In the afternoon, Tian Yi and I sat on the east viewing stand of Tiananmen Gate, directly opposite the Goddess of Democracy, and watched a crowd of schoolgirls sing songs from the revolution. A soloist stepped forward and gazed up at the portrait of Mao that hung above us. Her white dress was as bright as the Goddess behind her. She opened her mouth and sang: ‘ Great Helmsman, Chairman Mao, lead us onwards like a guiding star …’

‘I hope those girls don’t grow up feeling like orphans too,’ Tian Yi said morosely.

It did feel unsettling, watching these schoolgirls stand below the Goddess of Democracy singing songs in praise of Mao. Their voices blared from the loudspeakers their teachers had attached to the scaffolding at the base of the statue. The ground below was piled with electric cables, crates of apples, barrels of disinfectant, metal rods and rope. I knew we’d have to clear all that junk away, because that was where we’d planned to build the stage for the Democracy University’s opening ceremony.

We were alone on the viewing stand. I stared at the hundreds of thousands of people in the Square below, standing among the red banners and flags or sitting inside the blue nylon tents. Everything suddenly looked orderly and disciplined. For a second, I thought I was daydreaming. The strongly contrasted blues and reds made the scene look like a colourised version of an old black-and-white documentary.

‘It doesn’t look real, does it?’ Tian Yi said, putting her arm around me. ‘How did this movement get so vast?… I’m exhausted. I’m tired of living like a tramp. I wish I had a safe home to curl up in.’

‘No home is safe. I remember when I was a kid, an old neighbour of ours called Granny Li was dragged out of her room by the Red Guards and made to kneel in the yard outside. They tied her up and poured ten thermoses of boiling water over her head. She gripped the branches of the grapevine in front of her and howled in pain.’

‘How do you manage to remember all those horrible details?’ she muttered. ‘I was at home when my mother committed suicide. All I remember is being woken up by a loud thud. It was her body falling to the ground.’

‘Even if you did have a home to go to, the Party would always have a key to the door.’

I sat further back in my seat so that she could rest her head on my lap. I too longed to lie down.

‘The air up here smells of leaves,’ she said. ‘It makes me think of fields and forests.’

‘Perhaps we should introduce your father to my mother. They’re both widowed.’

‘No, I doubt they’d get on.’

A column of marchers entered the Square. They looked like government functionaries. Some of them had red headbands, a few were pushing bicycles. I inhaled a deep breath of air and thought about mountains and trees, the forests of Yunnan, and the rivers of The Book of Mountains and Seas . ‘Still, everyone needs a home,’ I said. ‘It’s where we store all our emotions.’

‘My dad doesn’t have many friends, apart from the old guys he plays chess with in the yard outside our block,’ she said.

‘My mother is quite easy-going. Her politics are a little too rigid, that’s all.’ Then I stroked her hair and said, ‘Let’s go back to the campus tonight.’

‘Our dorms are full. All the beds have been taken by the provincial students. I’ve no idea where they’ve put my stuff.’

‘We’ll snuggle up in a quiet corner. It will be just like Yunnan.’ Her body softened after I said this, and she nestled closer to me like a little bird.

‘I’d like to go home and have a shower,’ she said. Before Mabel and Kenneth left Beijing, Tian Yi had gone to visit them again in their hotel, and had used their en suite bathroom. It was the first time in her life that she’d taken a bath. When she came back, she said, ‘The bathroom had a huge mirror, and big white towels folded neatly on a shelf. It was so luxurious.’

With her head still nestled in my lap, she closed her eyes and sang softly, ‘ In years from now, will you still think of me? Will our paths ever cross again? …’

‘We can go to Beixin Bridge public bathhouse on our way back to the campus. It doesn’t shut until ten.’

‘It’s already seven now. Let’s go to the bathhouse tomorrow. It’s so nice up here. I want to stay a little longer.’

In the three weeks we’d been camping in the Square, this was almost the first time we’d been able to have a quiet moment alone together.

‘Mou Sen made a bit of a fool of himself at that fake wedding this morning,’ she said, tugging down her skirt to cover her knees. ‘He’s a student leader. He should behave with more dignity.’

‘That was true love, though,’ I said, stroking her leg.

‘You wouldn’t dump me, would you, like he dumped Yanyan?’ She gazed over at the Square again. ‘That old girlfriend of yours A-Mei will be turning up in Beijing any day now, won’t she? Are you hoping to rekindle the flame with her?’

‘Don’t be silly,’ I said, my heart starting to beat faster. ‘I can’t even remember what she looks like. When she gets here, I’ll introduce you to her.’

Tian Yi twisted her head round and stared up at me. ‘Haven’t you ever thought about what’s going to happen to us, Dai Wei?’ She seldom used the word ‘us’ in our conversations.

‘I’ll ask you to marry me, we’ll have a big wedding, then we’ll travel around America together and live happily ever after. You can be a journalist, or a writer, or a teacher — whatever you want — and I will be a biologist and write a scientific tome on The Book of Mountains and Seas .’

‘If you want to marry me you’ll have to give me a bathroom with a huge mirror.’

‘And I’ll give you a big wardrobe to hang your clothes in too, and a garden with a reclining chair…’ I said, remembering a photograph I’d seen in a foreign magazine.

‘Don’t get carried away! As long as our salaries can buy us a colour television and a fridge, I’ll be satisfied. In fact, all I really want is to own a clean bath. I’ll fill it with hot water every night and soak in it for hours.’ She closed her eyes. I remembered that A-Mei insisted on showering every day. I guessed that women must have a natural affinity for water. ‘You’re not one of those unfaithful types, are you?’ she said, her eyes still closed.

‘Don’t be silly. You’re everything I could want. Why would I look elsewhere?’ I stroked her hair and her ear. She was wearing the necklace with the silver heart pendant that Mabel had given her. I didn’t dare tell her that A-Mei used to have one exactly like it. I looked up again and gazed out at the colourful banners and crowds swaying in the slanting light of the evening sun. I fell into a daze again, and for a moment I forgot the Square and the situation we were in. Then my stomach rumbled loudly. ‘Hmm, I’d love a bowl of instant noodle soup.’

Tian Yi sat up and smoothed her hair back. ‘It’s so hot today. Why don’t we go and have some cold Korean noodles?’

‘I’ve been eating cold bread and cold dumplings for days. I’d like to have something hot for a change…’

‘You’re so contrary. You always want something different from everyone else…’

A pigeon sweeps through the air, the tiny wooden flute attached to its tail whistling sorrowfully.