Bensalem Himmich - A Muslim Suicide

"Next imagine that, before you leave, you have decided to take a walk up the mountain that has served as your protector, not to say farewell but rather to look around. You have headed for the summit, passing by the asylum and hearing vague noises and shouts emerging from it. You have then headed back down again via the hermits' forest where you have caught just a few isolated glimpses of them. You have made your way through the shady, fertile valley with its abundant crops and reached the lake where men and boys used to swim, splashing each other with water. After that you have whispered instructions in your horse's ear to convey you slowly to his and your mistress's house. He has neighed in agreement and followed various winding back-gullies till he has eventually reached the main path. Once there the earth has revealed itself to you in all its wonderful color and forms: trees decked in their finest garb and subtlest hues, birds singing and chirping sweetly, and a gentle breeze wafting through the elements of nature so as to bring them into a state of harmony and concord.

"Next imagine that these scenes of beauty all form a pathway that has been laid out for you toward the city where you have passed through squares and alleyways. People have stared at you reverently, assuming that you must be a personage of high rank. Now imagine that you have arrived at the door of your beloved's house surrounded by a retinue of servants, then entered the house with all due honor and respect. There you have been met by young maidens who have greeted you with as many songs and ululations as possible. Once they have settled you in the guest quarters, surrounded by tables of delicious food, your beloved has shown you her lovely visage by peeping out from behind a curtain. `Very soon,' she has told you in her sweet, melodious voice, `the men and witnesses will be arriving. Then, my dear beloved, our engagement will be concluded in a way that accords with your wishes and is pleasing to Almighty God: That said, she has disappeared. Just a few moments later, a group of august, pious-looking men have arrived. I have stood up to greet each of them in turn. The eldest has informed me that he is serving as the bride's representative; two others seem to be his companions, while a further two are people whom you may have met at some point but don't recall.

"Next imagine that you are exchanging expressions of affection and compliments with this group of men. An official witness now brings out the text of the marriage document with all its habitual terminology and ritual. Someone else has asked you for your name and profession, and whether you agree to marry the duly cloistered lady, Fayha', the daughter of the late lamented Hajj Al-Arabi from Sabta and his late wife, A'isha al-Sinhaji. When a request is made to specify the dowry price, you declare that it is too little and quadruple the amount. Now just imagine your overwhelming delight when the document is signed and the official legal certification is completed, followed by a communal recitation of the Fatiha of the Qur'an and their prayers that you and your wife may reside together in all blessing and well-being. You have then joined them in some food and drink, accompanied by conversation appropriate to the seriousness of the occasion. Once in a while you can all hear the sounds of the women in the house, praising God and chanting peals of joy. With the official ceremony over, the two witnesses have offered me their congratulations, stood up to leave, and hurried away with the excuse that they have a large number of Qur'anic duties to attend to. The bride's representative has leaned over and asked you if it suits you to have the actual wedding night in the middle of the current month, Rabi' al-Awwal, and you have agreed, noting that, as the saying goes, the best charity is that which comes soonest. You have been about to ask him for his permission to return to your hostelry, but you have listened as he summons the entire assembly to pray the afternoon prayer with him as imam; and you have done so. Once the prayer is concluded, he has talked to you and his companions about a variety of issues, both religious and secular. In response you have given all kinds of responses and have thereby earned their approval and assent. Like you they have expressed the urgent need for a concerted effort to be made with regard to Spain so that the dangers implicit in the new Christian alliance will not become so severe as to threaten Sabta itself, the other Maghribi cities, and the ports on either side of the straits. The conversation has continued in this serious vein until dinner is concluded, at which point the group has headed for the central mosque where you have prayed in their company. With that you have said farewell and mounted your horse to return to your residence.

"Next imagine your wedding night, along with all the festivities connected with it that remind you of similar occasions in Murcia during your childhoodfood, dancing, and singing. How wonderful, oh how wonderful; the women have all been at organizing the rituals involved and keeping the fires burning in their own quarters, sounds of which have wafted all the way to the men's section. All the men have put on their finest clothes, and they have been eating, drinking, and sharing anecdotes and jokes, wishing you well and a life of happiness. The very thought of that future has wreathed your face in smiles of joy and gratitude. Once the hour has come for you to be alone with your bride, a group of sturdy young men has heaved you up on to a raised platform and carried you on their shoulders. Singing and praising God, they have paraded you in triumph around the men's quarters to the accompaniment of drumbeats. After that a group of old women has accompanied you with peals of joy to the private quarters of your beloved. The door has been locked behind you and the blinds have been lowered. However, when it has come to describing your wife's beauty and the delights of that particular night, you have commanded your soul to remain silent and discreet in order to keep such things secret and in accordance with proper decorum. The phase of life that you have now entered is no longer one of reckless behavior and idle talk. Now it is a matter of a concentration on monotheistic faith and marriage to a single woman."

When I woke up next morning, my mind was still preoccupied with the sweet memories of these musings of mine. They may have already been speaking to me before I actually fell asleep and when I was dreaming, so the strands became tangled. Daydreams and nighttime visions commingled till the dividing lines became blurred and then disappeared. So how could I not assume that life's succession of days was not itself merely an aggregation of dreams?

I got out of bed to purge myself of ritual impurities and conduct the necessary ablutions before performing the obligatory prayers. That done, I ate a modicum of food. Going outside to check on my horse, I found the warden hurrying toward me as though he either had something urgent to tell me or wanted me to do something for him. After greeting him, I asked him what was the matter. He was panting so hard that he could not initially reply, so I took him for a stroll till he could recover his breath.

"Yesterday," I told him, "I didn't leave my house. It felt so good to remain in seclusion!"

"That's why I didn't want to disturb you," he replied once he could talk again.

"Is anything wrong?" I asked.

"No, no," he replied, "I just wanted to give you back the deposit you left with me. You may need to spend some money on your forthcoming marriage."

"You're right, my dear `Abd al-Barr," I said. "Let me have half of it, but keep the rest in trust. Is there something else?"

He paused for a moment, then shook his head in a way that was almost invisible. It seemed that he preferred not to comment, so I did not push him. I thought about inviting him to the wedding, but decided to leave that to a more appropriate moment. I asked him how things were going at the zawiya and its facilities, and he told me everything was fine, albeit in very curt terms.