Bensalem Himmich - A Muslim Suicide

"Tomorrow, dear Sir," she said, addressing my companion, "you will receive a gift from me."

He thanked her profusely and, looking straight at me, prayed that she would soon find an honorable husband. She smiled, and the servant chimed in with "Amen."

My companion now grabbed me by the sleeve in order to hurry me away. Once we were a distance from the house, I asked him why he had stayed so silent in the presence of the lady.

"This is a remarkable day," he said, pausing to catch his breath, "one that I'll never forget as long as I live. I'm normally a chatterbox, but that lady's beauty was enough to strike me dumb. God's truth, she put a clamp on my tongue. But, as far as you're concerned, the entire thing is crystal clear, as clear as the day is long. We Meknes folk know a good thing when we see it-as we say, when someone from Meknes treads on a raisin, he can smell how good it is. Even if I were blind, I would still be able to smell it and feel it."

"Smell and feel what precisely, 0 holy man of God?" I asked with a laugh.

"Even though not much was said," he went on, "I could get the gist of everything and more, even though that rogue of a servant kept trying to put me off. The devil treated me badly, and I'd like to give him a cuff or two at some point."

I smiled in delight.

"God knows, if only I were the same age as you are, I'd be in there with you, fighting for her with every means possible, come hell or high water. But since I'm old and decrepit, I simply say to you, `May God bring it all to pass!"'

"But you were the one she promised a gift to, not me.. 11

"So now you're using your age superiority to mock me! She's going to give me a gift, but she's a gift for you, all of her! You lucky so-and-so! You must have been born in white togs, bringing your parents a great boon."

When we reached the city plain close to the shore, the sun was turning red on the sea surface as it prepared to set. The old man leaned over to me.

"The only way to purify yourself now," he whispered in my ear, "is to take a swim, then return to your beloved duly cleansed. You need to ask her for your basket, which you left at her place, or whatever you decide to do. From now on and with God's good graces, I'm going to return to my residence. Once there I can contemplate the delights of that remarkable session we had."

The old man was entirely correct: I certainly was dirty and needed a wash; and I had forgotten-or maybe pretended to forget-my basket. But when it came to his advice that I go straight back to the house of the lady who had so entranced me, it seemed like a good idea to postpone it until a day when my mind felt more stable and my emotions were better under control. In anticipation of such a day I had such feelings of delight and pleasure that they almost resembled what I would feel if I ran across my missing manuscript. The happiness I was feeling had taken wing and was flying free; no mystic divine or philosopher before me had ever experienced anything like it. Words fail me; metaphor, simile, and other devices all pale in its context. No poet, whether Spanish, Syrian, or Iraqi, came to my aid. If the Spaniards were to provide me with such feelings now, I would be able to use the sheer intensity of my feelings to reconstruct entire lost cities and fortresses; it would be greater than the deeds of Hercules himself and his defeat of the lion.

In my paeans of joy today my only rival is Archimedes on the day he discovered the law of floating bodies and yelled "Eureka! Eureka!" Mounted now on the steed of overwhelming love in heavenly flight, I too can tell myself, "I have found her, I have found her!"

Beside the sacred enclosure in Mecca itself she is my ultimate focus!

After God Almighty she is my sweetest and most attractive pole!

She is someone who makes you more beautiful and intelligent merely by consorting with her.

She is the very symbol of my felicity and my ongoing struggle, as I set my sights toward the One toward whom noble souls longingly strive, gather together, and return.

The sheer wonder of her name is such that I have neglected to ask it, but it surely shares in the qualities of God's beautiful names.

So come, let me swim in a sea where the liberated lover such as me faces no danger!

Come to the sea whose surface has now been warmed by the setting sun, extending through its dying rays both warmth and farewells.

I made my way to a deserted section of beach, took off my clothes, and used my turban as a loincloth. I waded in with cries of praise and thanksgiving and headed fearlessly into deeper water. Once there I sometimes swam on the top and at other times allowed the waters to embrace and cover me. I had the impression that the very fishes and underwater plants were all extending their particular greetings to me, and I responded fulsomely. I found myself dancing and clapping in the waves, and told myself and the waters all around me that the serenity of the sea here is so vast and wonderful, and the sheer intoxication of swimming in these waters has its own sense and piety attached to it.

My father-God have mercy on him! — had taught me how to swim, and he had done it very well. He told me that it was a very useful skill. "An islander who can't swim," he had told me, "is like an inhabitant of heaven who's never happy!" The very fact that I was swimming in the sea in a state of joyous harmony and sweet delirium was entirely due to the woman whom I termed my very blood when I opened up my heart to the wonders of existence. For the Divine Transcendent I became both attribute and sign.

So there I was using all my limbs and swimming in the name of the One who made every living thing from water. Once I was tired out, I lay on my back motionless and let the waves do with me what they willed, rocking me like a loving mother, swaying and tilting to and fro, spreading all round me a dreamlike atmosphere that was replete with a calm intensity. From time to time I closed my eyes. Every time I opened them, it was to find evening gradually lowering its curtain on the world and spreading everywhere. Then, all of a sudden and with no warning, a flood of water lifted me up high and then plunged me into the midst of a maelstrom, swamping me from all sides.

"Back to dry land," I told myself, "and quickly!"

My beloved loves me alive and well, I told myself, and then yelled, "No, no, I am not going to drown!" Just then I recalled my father's advice: "Don't tie your hands to your neck and don't stretch them far out. If you happen to find yourself in a riptide, just mention the name of God to yourself till you have recovered your breath and can thus recoup your strength and save yourself." After a good deal of effort and endurance, that is precisely what I did. Once I had landed on the beach once again, utterly exhausted, I came to realize that I had called the sea's bluff-heaven knows why-and gone out much too far. I got up to search for my clothes, but could not find a trace of them, as though the waves or the night had made off with them. I could feel the chill of cold penetrating my body and started shivering and sneezing. Under cover of darkness I decided to warm myself up by running around and doing some exercises, and did so. Once back at the zawiya, I slunk into my abode safe and sound. God had eased my return path, although some stray dogs had decided to accompany my passing with growls and barking.

SO HERE I WAS back in my room and breathing normally. I washed myself and performed the ritual ablutions, put on some wool clothing, took a potion and some hot liquids, then prayed before going to bed.

Next morning I woke up feeling unwell, but knowing the symptoms full well: a very bad cold. I called it "a love cold" as a way of accepting the inevitability of it and relieving the symptoms. Relishing my condition, I decided not to medicate myself. Lo and behold, I found myself totally congested, with a roaring headache and intermittent fevers and chills-all of which I dutifully ignored; or, better put, I allowed the lady who had so entranced me to distract my attention from my bodily aches and pains. This went on till I had turned into some kind of ethereal abstracted entity with neither substance nor shape, floating around in a firmament where the only existing thing was a single woman with no partner or equal. It was as though all the beautiful women in the world had decided to crown her victorious over them all or else that she had managed to gather to herself the sum total of their exquisite nectar.