Benjamin Wood - The Ecliptic

I walked up to the bare front window of Fullerton’s lodging. The shutters were folded back and the inner blind was not yet closed. Nobody was inside. His canvas bag lay open on the floor with most of his clothes spilling out. There was a classical guitar leaned against the bedframe. He did not quite have the look of a composer to me, or the swagger of a rock’n’roll singer, but I thought perhaps he could have written music for the theatre or the folk scene.

It was then that he emerged from around the side of the hut, dragging an oil drum behind him. I had no time to move away. When he saw me, he stood still, but he did not flinch or seem surprised. He carried on hauling the empty drum through the snow, towards a patch of level ground, where he shoved down hard on its edges to stabilise it. ‘Knell with a K,’ he said, sounding less angry than I expected. ‘Are you lost?’

‘I just wanted to see how you were feeling.’ This came out rather meekly. ‘You missed dinner.’

‘Wasn’t hungry,’ he said. ‘Mystery solved.’

‘Yes, I suppose so.’

He gazed at the ground. A fat bird cawed and streaked the dark above us. Fullerton jerked his head up. ‘The crows are all grey here. I can’t get used to it.’

‘You should see the herons when they come in the spring. They make nests all round the island. It’s wonderful.’

The boy gave an uninterested murmur. Then he turned for his lodging and walked straight inside, leaving the door wide open. I was not sure if he was coming back. I waited, hearing the scuff of his footsteps on the floorboards. After a moment, he came out with a stack of what seemed to be pamphlets or magazines, bearing them in his arms like offerings. He did not look at me, just tipped the entire set into the rusty drum, rumbling it. The glossy covers glinted as they dropped into the can. He dusted off his fingers and headed for the door again, stopping only to squint into the trees. ‘Your friends are waiting,’ he said.

‘Will we see you at breakfast?’

‘I doubt it.’

I could not understand his hostility, so I did what felt most natural to me: I turned the problem inward, assumed that I had spoken out of turn. ‘I’m not usually one for small talk,’ I said.

He sighed. ‘That makes two of us.’

‘Well, I’m trying to make a special effort.’

‘That’s nice of you,’ he said, ‘but I don’t need it. The whole point of coming here was to be alone. I really don’t get on with people much.’ And he threw up his hands and carried on into his studio.

‘You’re much too young to talk that way,’ I said, when he came back. Now he was holding a set of ratty papers, banded with a thick elastic. A burgundy passport was on top of the pile, under his thumb.

‘I’m old enough to know my limitations.’ He dumped everything into the drum. ‘Why did you come here? For company?’

There was a lot I could have told him then, but I sensed he would not be glad to hear it. ‘There’s a difference between privacy and solitude, you know.’

‘Uh-huh. I’ll take your word for it.’ He padded the pockets of his cagoule. Underneath, he had on a coarse wool sweater that could not have been his own, as the round-neck collar was so loose it revealed his bare clavicle. It must have been one of Ender’s, or taken from lost property. He was wearing sturdy boots now, too, which gave him extra height. ‘Shit,’ he said, frisking his torso. ‘D’you have any matches?’

‘There should be some by your stove.’

He cleared his nose and spat. ‘There aren’t.’

‘Well, I’ve a full box in my studio. I can fetch it if you like.’

‘Nah, don’t bother. I’ll have to do it the hard way.’ With this, the boy dropped to his haunches and began to burrow into the snow and mulch and pine cones. Soon enough, he was bringing up clods of rust-red soil. He tossed an armload into the drum and it rained fatly on the metal.

‘What are you doing?’

He did not answer, just kept on digging with his hands and plunking the loose earth inside the can.

‘What are you burying?’

It did not seem to bother him that I was watching — there was something tunnel-eyed and frantic about him as he quarried the ground, like a fox hunting rabbits. After a while, the drum was about a quarter full, and he stopped, sitting on the snow with his back against the metal. Strands of his fringe were stuck upon his forehead. He looked so young and afraid.

‘Fullerton,’ I said — it was a difficult name to speak tenderly. ‘Is everything all right?’

He sat there, panting, gazing at nothing.

‘Do you want me to go?’

‘I couldn’t care less what you do,’ he said.

The others were still waiting. I saw their huddled shadows and felt glad of them. But Fullerton called after me as I walked away: ‘Wait a sec. Hold on.’ There was a note of contrition in his voice.

I turned.

‘It’s nothing personal,’ he said. ‘It’s just — look, I haven’t sussed this place out yet. There are loads more rules than I thought there’d be.’

It bothered me that he had been admitted without understanding everything. My own sponsor had spent two full days readying me for the prospect of Portmantle, explaining everything that lay ahead. So I went back to the boy and said, ‘If you have any questions, just ask.’

He spat again. ‘I was told no drinking, no drugs, no phone calls and whatever. But your mate Quickson said there was other stuff, too. I don’t know if he meant the ferry tokens, but I bought two of them like they told me — there’s one in my bag somewhere. You think that’s what he was talking about?’

‘It’s Quick man .’ I smiled. ‘And, yes, that’s part of it.’

‘Do you still have yours?’

‘I do, but not on me. Somewhere safe. That’s more a superstition than a rule.’

‘Oh.’ He gave another sigh. ‘Well, that old bloke went through my bag before. I thought that’s what he was after.’

‘Ender, you mean?’

‘Yeah, he patted me down. It was weird.’

‘Ender’s OK — just doing his job. If there weren’t any rules, this place would fall apart.’

‘So everyone gets frisked?’

‘Only once. You’re no different from the rest of us.’

‘It just took me by surprise, that’s all.’

‘Your sponsor should’ve warned you.’

Fullerton got up from the snow. He studied my face, as though gauging every pore of it for weaknesses. ‘Well, I don’t plan on staying here that long anyway. I just need to clear my head and then I’m going back to finish what I started.’

‘If I were you, I wouldn’t set myself too many restrictions. It’ll take as long as it takes.’ I wanted to tell him that I had believed the same thing when I came to Portmantle. That I would find my clarity in a matter of days. That I would not need the provost’s intervention: the visa documents specially acquired and signed on my behalf. But there was no point in daunting the boy any further. ‘You know,’ I said instead, ‘when I came here, I was lucky. I had someone to help me through the early part, the hard part. You remember MacKinney?’

He nodded.

‘She and I were admitted on the same afternoon. We took the same ferry from Kabataş and didn’t even know it. If it hadn’t been for her, I wouldn’t have made it this far.’

‘Look, I’m glad it all worked out for you,’ said Fullerton. ‘But that doesn’t mean we’re the same. I’m not like that. I can’t count on anyone but myself.’

‘Well, maybe you should try.’ I held my smile this time, until I was sure he had received it. ‘We’re all loners here. With the right people, you can be alone and together — that’s something you learn how to do when you get older.’