Hanif Kureishi: Midnight All Day

‘What of my scrotum? It would … ahem … hang over my mouth.’

‘I’d do the talking. I’ll give you an hour to decide,’ said the penis, haughtily. ‘I’m expecting other offers from agents and producers.’

Doug could see that Long Dong was beginning to shrink back into himself. It had been a fatiguing day. When at last his eyes closed, Doug picked the penis up, popped it into his pocket and buttoned it down.

Doug rushed across town to see a cosmetic surgeon he knew, a greedy man with a face as smooth as a plastic ball. He had remade many of Doug’s colleagues, inserting extensions into the men’s penises, and enlarging the breasts, lips and buttocks of his female colleagues. Few of these actors would even be recognised by their parents.

The surgeon was at dinner with several former clients. Doug interrupted him and they walked in the surgeon’s beautiful garden. Doug laid the sleeping penis in the surgeon’s hand.

He explained what had happened and said, ‘It’s got to be sewn on tonight.’

The surgeon passed it back.

He said, ‘I’ve extended dicks and clits. I’ve implanted diamonds in guys’ balls and put lights in people’s heads. I’ve never sewn a penis back on. You could die on the table. You might sue me. I’d have to be recompensed.’

As the objections continued, Doug begged the man to restore him. At last, the surgeon named a sum. That was almost the worst blow of the day. Doug had been well paid over the years, but sex money, like drug money, tended to melt like snow.

‘Bring me the money tonight,’ ordered the surgeon, ‘otherwise it will be too late — your penis will become used to its freedom and will never serve you again.’

The only person Doug knew with such a large sum of cash was the producer of Huge Big Women who was, that night, entertaining a few hookers in his suite. The women knew Doug and soon made him aware that news of his misfortune had got round. He blushed and smarted now when the women called him ‘big boy’.

To Doug’s relief, the producer agreed to give him the cash. Handing it over, he mentioned the interest. It was a massive sum, which would rise daily, as Doug’s penis would have to. The man made Doug sign a contract, pledging to make films for what seemed like the rest of his life.

Travelling back to the surgeon, Doug considered what life might be like without his penis. Perhaps he had been mercifully untied from an idiot and they could go their separate ways. But without his penis how could he earn his living? He was too old to start a new career.

The surgeon worked all night.

Next morning, when Doug woke up, the first thing he did was look down. Like a nervous snake charmer, he whistled an aria from Don Giovanni. At last, his penis started to stir, enlarge and grow. Soon it was pointing towards the sun. It was up, but not running. He and his love were rejoined.

A few hours later Doug was on the set. His penis swung between his legs, slapping against each thigh with a satisfying smack.

Doug was glad to be reunited with the most important part of himself; but, when he thought of the numerous exertions ahead, he felt weary.

Hanif Kureishi was born and brought up in Kent. He read philosophy at King’s College, London. In 1981 he won the George Devine Award for his plays Outskirts and Borderline , and in 1982 he was appointed Writer-in-Residence at the Royal Court Theatre. In 1984 he wrote My Beautiful Laundrette , which received an Oscar nomination for Best Screenplay. His second screenplay Sammy and Rosie Get Laid (1987) was followed by London Kills Me (1991) which he also directed. The Buddha of Suburbia won the Whitbread Prize for Best First Novel in 1990 and was made into a four-part drama series by the BBC in 1993. His version of Brecht’s Mother Courage has been produced by the Royal Shakespeare Company and the Royal National Theatre. His second novel, The Black Album , was published in 1995. With Jon Savage he edited The Faber Book of Pop (1995).

His first collection of short stories, Love in a Blue Time , was published in 1997. His story My Son the Fanatic , from that collection, was adapted for film and released in 1998. Intimacy , his third novel, was published in 1998, and a film of the same title, based on the novel and other stories by the author, was released in 2001 and won the Golden Bear award at the Berlin Film Festival. His play Sleep With Me premièred at the Royal National Theatre in 1999. His second collection of stories, Midnight All Day , was published in 2000. Gabriel’s Gift , his fourth novel, was published in 2001. The Body and Seven Stories and Dreaming and Schemi ng, a collection of essays, were published in 2002.

His screenplay The Mother was directed by Roger Michell and released in 2003. In 2004 he published his play When The Night Begins and a memoir, My Ear At His Heart . A second collection of essays, The Word and the Bomb , followed in 2005. His screenplay Venus was directed by Roger Michell in 2006. His novel Something to Tell You was published in 2008.

In July 2009 his adaptation of his novel, The Black Album , opened at the National Theatre, prior to a nation-wide tour. In 2010 his Collected Stories were published.

He has been awarded the Chevalier de l’Ordre des Arts et des Lettres.